As a childfree woman, and as a person who has moved several times in addition to my five years of full-time travel in an RV, I’ve often been faced with the task of making new friends. Experience has shown me that as awesome as my friends with children are, especially at certain periods in life, parents don’t have as much free time to hang out with me as I’d like – especially if I want some social time without kids. So read on for my top tips, gleaned from my experience establishing myself in new communities over the years.
Before I begin, let me make a few things clear:
One – I love children. I have zero issues with the fact that children exist. (I know that may sound snide, but it’s me being honest and forthright.) I also enjoy spending time with them, as long as a) it doesn’t involve holding or caring for babies, and b) they respect my boundaries, as well as c) they are not mine, and they go home with their families after spending time with me.
Two – I love parents! And there are tons of awesome coaches in the world who write their content for parents. So I’m not going to cater my content to them, but I would encourage you to seek them out if you haven’t found them yet.
Three – This article is tailored at childfree humans, but it is entirely possible that even if you aren’t childfree, you enjoy making new friends outside of the context of parenting, or you’re of an age where children have grown and moved away. Feel free to read on, keeping the intended audience in mind of course (and keeping any comments mindful of that fact too).
So, with all those caveats out of the way, here are my top tips for making childfree friends!
- Go Where The Children Aren’t
Just as I’d send new parents to the playground or the library to connect with other families, your best bet when you’re on the hunt for new childfree friends is to gravitate towards places without children. So join a book club, or head to your local bar for trivia. Take a dance class or attend one of those painting classes where you’re encouraged to drink wine. Audition for a play (one with only adults!) or join your local softball or roller derby team. Learn to crochet or sign up for a DnD group (again, one with only adults!). Take a class at your local community college.
If you’re sober, meet people that way. If you love to sing, hit up the karaoke bar. Will there be plenty of people at these events who have children? That’s likely. But you’ll be on the right track by making connections with people who are socializing WITHOUT KIDS. (That means they’re able to prioritize themselves, and they’re choosing to do it at places you enjoy too!) You may find an awesome new parent friend who you hit it off with. Or you can tell them about yourself and that you’re looking to meet friends, and they may introduce you to their single friend or favorite DINK (double income, no kids) couple.
The key? Attend with an open mind, and keep trying new things.
- Share Vulnerably (But Judiciously) Wherever Possible
The way to make deep and meaningful connections with people is to share vulnerably. And yes, that means you need to be willing to share first! A small percentage of people in the world are happy to share their deepest feelings with strangers, without an invitation. But most of us wait to be asked or wait until the other person shares FIRST.
So go into each day with curiosity, and bring a few questions in your pocket if you need ideas.
What’s your favorite trip you’ve ever taken?
Did you have a special person in your life who made a difference in who you are?
If you had to eat the same food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Okay, so maybe that last question isn’t super deep. But each relationship needs to start somewhere. You want to ask one question and wait for a response. Truly listen and respond to what you hear. It may lead you to ask a different question you wouldn’t have thought of. And if they’re reluctant to share, that’s okay – you go first! And then ask them what their answer is.
You’ll tend to have the most success when you do more listening than talking, but do share enough to show them it’s a safe space to share too.
- Met A Potential Friend? Speak Up!
I’ve had several times in my life when I had an amazing conversation with someone. Only later, when I was reliving it in my mind or relaying the exchange to someone else, did I realize I should have asked them to meet up for coffee sometime or ask to connect on social media or something.
So it’s now my habit to be ready to connect at any time. I have business cards on me, and I reach out to fun people I interact with on social media. I’ll tell them I’m always looking to meet new friends and I’d love to have a drink sometime and learn more about them.
Seize the day, friends! Don’t miss out on connecting with your new best friend after the most hilarious bathroom conversation ever!
- Get Outside Your Comfort Zone To Increase Your Odds
See what it feels like to add a new activity to your schedule each week. Too busy or introverted for that? Make it bi-weekly or every month.
Do a quick audit of your schedule currently and how it aligns with your priorities and your energy. (This is one of my favorite things to do with my clients!) Go through the different areas of your life and consider how much time and energy they’re currently taking up and how happy you are in that area.
If you value great conversation and don’t have any close friends right now, set aside some time each week to move you toward that goal. While you do sometimes have to do a bit of the chit-chat thing when you don’t know someone well, these tips are a great way of getting to the good stuff and knowing whether someone is worth the effort.
And remember, you don’t have to do this forever. Just until you’ve got a comfortable number of new friends.
- Not Everyone Needs To Be Your Everything Best Friend
Perhaps you once had a best friend, but you had a falling out. Or maybe you’ve never had a best friend, and you’ve always wanted one.
Be careful to remember that there is a place for a variety of friends in the world. If we try to slot someone into the “best friend” category and all they’re ready for is to be the “drinks after work and catch some live music” friend, we could send them running for the hills.
Some of your friends may include:
- Hobby friends (they love seeing you at drag night/crochet/softball/theater/book club, but they don’t seek out or maintain a relationship elsewhere)
- Neighbors (greet each other with pleasantries, maybe even invite you to a BBQ sometime?)
- Work friends
- Spiritual friends (connected from church or synagogue or mosque or your local Pagan meetup or what-have-you)
- Parent friends (folks you love to hang out with, but that you know won’t always be available for a drink or meetup as their kids come first)
- Childfree friends (though some childfree folks are caregivers, many enjoy a true freedom with their schedule that can be really helpful for meeting up…and we childfree folks have a lot in common!)
- Family friends (your family or the people who you think of as family)
- Friends who you attend events with (key tip – don’t rule out folks in different age brackets! For instance, for me, I set my own schedule and I love to have daytime friends – sometimes retired folks have more flexibility than folks my own age)
- Friends who will help you in a pinch
- Your ride-or-die, do anything for you, friends
In an ideal world, you want friends in lots of categories, and some of the friends in the top categories may and can move into the lower, more connected categories. It’s normal for people to start out closer to acquaintances. Don’t be upset if most people don’t want to immediately be your best friend.
On the other hand, I have several delightful friends who skipped several categories nearly immediately. (I have a hunch that being neurodivergent/highly sensitive/empathetic can play a role in this tendency.) So be open to that too, but make sure to avoid smothering them with your expectations. (And that’s where boundaries come in, friends!)
If your “childfree” friend turns into your “parent” friend at some point, that’s okay too! We all go through phases in life, and we can love and value what was even if it changes. And if you struggle to maintain even a modified friendship with your friend, take heart knowing that a) you’re not alone and b) as they figure out the whole parenting thing, they may have more free time to spend with you again. Try to offer empathy and compassion to them (in addition to offering yourself self-compassion as you mourn what was).
- Online Friends Are JUST As Valuable As In-Person Friends
When I moved to New Hampshire after some time away in college and working in professional musical theater, I didn’t have any friends at all and had to start from the ground up. I staged a musical revue to meet my friends, and yes, it worked!
But as much as I loved my friends, I found that a) none of the lovely people I met that way turned into my best friend and b) most of those friendships struggled when I moved away.
When I began getting serious about my own personal development, I sought accountability, training, and coaching online, and as a result, I met dozens of people who I had a LOT in common with around the world.
As I traveled in my RV, I had the unique privilege of meeting many of my friends in person, and that was even more wonderful! These are people who my husband and I have a lot in common with. Even as our life situations have changed, I’ve maintained these relationships, as well as many valuable friendships with people back in NH or from my college or high school days, online.
Especially if you’re in a small town or otherwise aren’t finding “your people” where you are, please know that your people ARE out there. You can dive into your personality studying mental fitness training or the Enneagram, or you can join some Facebook groups for like-minded people and be open to making friends there. And don’t be afraid to make the “first move” and ask for a virtual coffee chat.
P.S. I’d love to hear your top takeaway on this topic! Did I miss something? Let me know! And please share it so the childfree people in your life and those seeking friends will know that it can get better.
Crafting The Life You Want: A Practice in Living 