Overcoming The Voices In Your Mind

| jamiefeinberg

I’d worked hard all day, and then I led a rehearsal that I was feeling extremely proud of. Under some challenging circumstances, we’d accomplished my goals, I’d adapted to the circumstances of the moment, and the feedback I received after the fact was all positive. I had so much to be proud of. 

And yet, at day’s end, as I started to wind down and got into bed, I noticed a persistent thought – you could have done more to cater your rehearsal to people over Zoom. Surely you SHOULD (a word I normally try so hard to avoid!) have been able to do more dedicated engagement with the people who weren’t there in person. What if those people feel neglected? 

I recognize that you may not have run a rehearsal or a Zoom session before, but regardless, hopefully you get the idea! Here I was, exhausted from a day of hard work, feeling accomplished after a very successful rehearsal, and the voices in my head couldn’t resist trying to put a damper on my excitement and chiming in. 

Why does this happen? And is there a way to keep it from happening, or at least from derailing my day or keeping me awake at night? 

Photo of trees and green grass, a sculpture at the end of a path, and a bench along it by Pixabay

I’m not a neuroscience expert or a psychologist, but I have become a very experienced mental fitness trainer, thanks to the brilliant tools and coaching I’ve received in the Positive Intelligence program. And while there are many ways of labeling or describing what goes on in our minds, however we talk about it, the good news is that it IS possible to tackle these voices. 

I know from both my mental fitness training and my Enneagram studies that my personality, acquired for self-protection over many decades of life, but mainly my childhood, means that I see what’s imperfect and default to judgment very easily. While being able to see what needs to be fixed or what can be improved on serves me really well most of the time in detail-oriented work and in the rehearsal room, I have a judge saboteur in my head that often turns on me and my own activities. Here I was, having worked so hard and successfully, and as I tried to drift off to sleep, I had sabotaging thoughts telling me all the things I could have done better. 

You may say oh, there’s probably some wisdom in that! Those sabotaging thoughts are useful! 

But here’s the thing. While there may be some truth buried in what they’re saying, is it helpful to be beating myself up while I’m trying to drift off to sleep? 

No. Absolutely not. 

So how do we overcome those thoughts? Is there a more positive way that we could be talking to ourselves? 

Yes, thankfully, there is. In the language of Positive Intelligence, we have sabotaging thoughts that come from our saboteurs. We can recognize the work of our saboteurs when we have persistently negative thoughts and emotions. Negative emotions are really useful to us. They identify something that we might want to pay attention to. For instance, when I first have a thought about what I might have done better at rehearsal, even if it makes me sad or frustrated with myself, the initial thought is useful. I can make a note about that for next time and do better. In 5 seconds, maybe 10 to have time to record a note to myself, the initial thought might have been useful.

But if, instead, my brain stays focused on judgment and tearing me apart, keeping me in negative emotions for a prolonged period of time, that isn’t helpful. That means my saboteurs are having a party and beating up on me. Instead, I have the opportunity to tap into my sage, wise mind. 

While the habits of our personality, including those habits of beating ourselves up or judging others or the circumstances we are in, may be wired deeply after decades of use and building neural pathways, when we learn to focus our attention in specific ways, we can train ourselves to tap into the wiser part of ourselves. The wise part of my brain recognized that those negative thoughts weren’t helping me. 

So what did I do? 

  • I spoke what was happening out loud, to my partner, knowing they’re a supportive voice and would validate my own feelings and say something to the effect of “silly saboteurs, of course Jamie did the best she could. Nothing needs to be fixed right now. Let’s go to sleep.” This gave me extra encouragement to lean into my sage during a very vulnerable time for me (sleep time, when I am tired and extra sensitive to criticism and distraction after a long day)
  • When the sabotaging thoughts popped up, I changed my attention and redirected. I imagined the thought as a cloud that would soon pass. 
  • I reminded myself of all the good things I’d accomplished. 
  • I did some meditative and focusing exercises to help me to access the wisdom of my sage mind

Did it fix everything? No, not entirely. I had to repeat the positive thoughts and responses a few times, those saboteurs can be persistent. But to be totally honest, my sabotaging thoughts are much QUIETER than they used to be. I hear their voices, but they’re not as strong. They’re easier to block out. And that’s because I’ve been practicing mental fitness practices for many years. So I can personally attest to the fact that while this may feel really challenging for you right now, it can get better. 

Did I get to sleep easily? Absolutely! And do I have additional tools I could have used if sleep was still a struggle? Yes, thankfully, I do, and I’ve loved sharing those with my clients as well. And when I am particularly tired and “out of spoons”, as many of us would say, those tools can be really important in conquering our sabotaging thoughts.

This has been a week, folks, for the world and maybe in your own life too. I hope that this concrete example of how we can overcome negative voices and habits in our mind is useful to you. And I’d love to support you in building your own toolbox to do this work. If you’d like to join me for an opportunity to learn some mental fitness skills and see how saboteurs are keeping you from being happy and living a life you love, head here.  

Also, I still have a couple more spots for people interested in learning about themselves through the Enneagram. Understanding myself and my personality through this lens helped me to develop immense compassion for myself and for other people, and it truly changed so much about my marriage and family relationships too. I hope you’ll consider reaching out and joining us in the solitary work that is truly done best in community with other people. 

Hang in there. Keep resisting. 

Five resources for a challenging day

| jamiefeinberg

Today I am pausing, in the midst of a rewarding and busy week, to share a few reminders and resources with you. I’ll keep things short and sweet today, as that’s what I’ve got the spoons for. I hope you’re well and navigating the challenges of life okay today. You’re here, and you’re trying. Well done!

Photo of person at a table behind a pile of books as tall as their head by Pixabay

Reminders: 

  • You matter, you deserve to exist, and you deserve love and compassion and opportunities
  • The color of your skin, your gender identity, your sexuality, where you were born, your IQ, your strengths and weaknesses – none of these change the fact that you have inherent worth 
  • Patriarchy is harmful
  • Cultivating media literacy and practicing it may be getting harder and harder, but it IS possible
  • The small choices you make add up – a phone call to a representative, a smile to someone who is struggling, a donation or a food delivery to someone who needs it, teaching someone a skill

Resources from my more recent writing that you may find helpful: 

Thanks for stopping by, and feel free to comment and let me know what you’d like to hear or see more of here. Wishing you health and renewal for the fight – and an eye for the joy too. 

P.S. I have a few more spots  for people interested in learning about themselves through the Enneagram in our next cohort. And if you’d like to join me for an opportunity to learn some mental fitness skills and see how saboteurs are keeping you from being happy and living a life you love, head here. 

Pausing for rest and renewal

| jamiefeinberg

Hi friends. The news continues to be full of endless opportunities for worry, anxiety, fear and anger. I’ve called my representatives several times in the past week, with a focus on saying no to the SAVE Act and telling my state reps to say no to gerrymandering. And I’ve cried and laughed at some of the ridiculousness I’ve seen. 

As always, there are reasons for hope too. I hope that you’re checking in with the headlines periodically, prioritizing what you can do today, and this week, and I hope you’re remembering that your neighbors need you now, and in the future. 

Cat eyes closed rests as if meditating in black and white photo

Photo: Cat with eyes closed rests as if meditating in black and white photo

But it’s exhausting. Am I right? So that’s why today, I am encouraging you, if you have the free time and the ability right now, to just stop. If physically stopping is really hard for you, I find it helpful to do some intense exercise or take a walk or do some focused breathing before engaging in a mental fitness session like the one that follows. 

Join me, if you like, in pausing for rest and renewal. 

Listen here

Was this helpful for you? What are you doing right now a) to stop fascism and b) to stay rested and stay human? 
Sending much love to you. Thanks so much for reading and listening and for paying attention. I have a few more spots  for people interested in learning about themselves through the Enneagram in our next cohort. And if you’d like to join me for an opportunity to learn some mental fitness skills and see how saboteurs are keeping you from being happy and living a life you love, head here.

Discovering Who We Really Are – In Community? 

| jamiefeinberg

It’s that time of the week when I am taking stock of how I’m doing amidst the headlines and news of the past seven days or so. In asking myself what I have to offer during these challenging times, I remember time and again that the coaching and mental fitness work that I offer is, as one of my students phrased it, one of my “gems”. One of the gifts I have to offer the world is helping to create community and helping people to discover, and rediscover, who they are, why they are here, and how they can move from thought or feeling into action and bring about a life they truly love. 

Photo of tree branches covered in snow, against a bright blue sky, by Şakir Açıkgöz

I have two main ways that I do this work. One is mental fitness. I am trained as a coach in Positive Intelligence, a system that teaches us to recognize and distinguish our negative thoughts and habits from our wise inner voice and the related skills and tools we can access. When we do mental fitness work, we learn to let go of the habits and thoughts that aren’t serving us anymore and learn how to step into that magical “flow” state where we can be efficient, effective, compassionate, clear-headed and more. I offer a Saboteur Assessment, for no cost, so that people can learn more about mental fitness and whether it might be beneficial for them. (Spoiler alert: so far, everyone has thought it might be beneficial for them! But there is no obligation to work with me beyond your call.) Most of the people I coach also study mental fitness with me, because it’s an extremely actionable system for getting past feeling “stuck” and past the roadblock we create in our own minds. It also gives us a common language to communicate with during our coaching sessions, making each session much more productive and helping you to get to your goals much more quickly and effectively. 

The second main way I help people to create a life they love this is through my work as an Enneagram mentor. Though I am also happy to do Enneagram work 1:1, most of the work I do currently is in group programs. We use Suzanne Stabile’s three month program so that people can learn or confirm their Enneagram number, and then we learn how that information can be used in our own lives and in relationship with other people. I have a few more spots left in my next Enneagram program, and we’re hoping to get started soon, so I hope you’ll learn more about the program, whether you’re familiar with the Enneagram already or not. It is my favorite tool for understanding personality and learning to let go of the habits of our personality that aren’t serving us anymore. For those who’ve been on their Enneagram journey for a while, I also offer an Enneagram book club. New members are always welcome. 

If you ever feel called to work with me, either 1:1 or in one of our incredible small group programs, I’d love to hear from you. I offer partial scholarships in all of my programs, and I offer a sliding scale for our Enneagram work. Some of my favorite people in the world I met doing small group, personal development work, and it can really be transformative to cultivate relationships and conversations like these in your life. Please don’t hesitate to reach out. We need this work now more than ever. I truly believe that. 

Do you have a place in your life currently for doing inner work that can’t really be done alone? Would you ever be interested in this work? 

P.S. I shared about this on Facebook this week and two lovely humans left comments about their experiences working with me. One shared, “Jamie is a wonderful coach! I’ve gone through both of these programs with her and benefited immensely. I learned to “flip the script” on my old negative self-talk to a realization that I actually had a voice that mattered.” Another shared that the mental fitness program helped them to reinforce many of the mindfulness practices they already had and provided them with lots of new ones. Thank you both for sharing your feedback! 

finding magic in the minutiae

| jamiefeinberg

Wow, friend. It’s been quite a week, hasn’t it? Perhaps quite a year as well. And the universe always has surprises up its sleeve. For me, this week, on a positive note, one of them was learning that a couple of my Florida reps actually voted down bills that would have provided ICE funding. I can’t tell you how many times the voices in my head have told me that calling my Florida reps is an exercise in futility, because I am generally appalled by where their priorities are and their deference to the current big cheese. 

And yet this week, they stood with Democrats, and I am shook. What an incredible reminder that we never know when our efforts might pay off!

How are you handling the onslaught of news? My network mainly straddles two countries, so I feel well-versed in both where my friends in the United States are at and where my Canadian friends are at, in many ways. And frankly, we are all concerned about our governments, rising restrictions and even the possibility that our northern friend could emulate our friend to the south in the not-too-distant future. 

Today I am pondering the ways that life is made easier and better when we focus on the small details of life. When I stop and recognize what’s right in front of me, I’m not thinking about what I need to fear in our future. I’m not thinking about the horrendous horrors that have already happened around the world. Instead, I’m finding magic in the minutiae. 

I notice a bird overhead. I listen to its song. I notice the way the blue sky behind it offers color contrast. 

I hear the crunch of ice or feel the squishy slush texture of the melting snow beneath my feet. 

I study the details of the beautiful ceramic fake flower on my shelf, a long-ago gift from my grandmother’s home. 

I listen to the sound of our new, efficient heat pump, grateful to be warm and cozy inside a home that we love. 

Photo of the northern lights in pinks and peaches by Ryan Klaus

My eye is drawn to a beautiful print, a gift from a friend honoring me as a director of an a cappella, barbershop chorus. 

I feel the warmth of my sweet cat, nestled against me in her tent of blankets. 

There are magical moments everywhere, if we stop to look for them. If there’s a moment to breathe, a break from pain, a morsel of food to enjoy, a hand to hold, a moment to lay down, an animal saying hello, our lives are rich. 

Even amidst despair, there is light to be found. That’s why we keep going on, even when the end isn’t guaranteed or clear. I know we are hearing and seeing glimpses (and for some of us, maybe much, much more) of some of the worst of humanity and life. And yet, finding magic in the minutiae is a way to treasure some of the best things life has to offer. Simple moments, simple beauty, simple joy. Worth a pause and an acknowledgement. 

Feel like a pipe dream? I 100% get it. There is NOTHING wrong with you if you’re struggling to find the light and the joy right now. 

If you’d like to join me for an opportunity to learn some mental fitness skills and find how to be happy with the life you’re living, even in challenging times, head here. 
You can also visit my website to learn more about me. I’m a speaker, performing artist, coach and mental fitness trainer. Thanks for stopping by.

Celebrate Your (And Our) Progress

| jamiefeinberg

Are you also catching yourself in thought patterns that aren’t supporting you? Are you going down a rabbit hole of anxiety or fear thanks to the horrendous headlines and even realities on your doorstep? 

Those feelings and those realities are real. We can’t deny it, at least not for any length of time. But we can train our brains, with practice, to focus on more useful thoughts rather than keeping us feeling trapped and unable to move forward. 

So today, as many join a general strike and day of action in Minnesota and elsewhere, as many demonstrate today and tomorrow to stand up for humanity and our rights to exist and navigate our lives without fear, without persecution, let’s remember to celebrate. 

Photo of assorted color star confetti by Jess Bailey Designs

  • Catch yourself caught in unhelpful thoughts? Celebrate! Well done, we can’t change what we don’t recognize! 
  • Apparently ICE is heading out of Maine? Worth celebrating, even if they’re continuing to treat Minneapolis as a battleground. 
  • More democrats and Republicans working to defund ICE? Progress! Yes! 
  • You did a bit of exercise/self-care/made a tough phone call/went to work when you didn’t want to etc.? YAY! Well done! 
  • You took a pause from social media scrolling to take a few breaths and notice some beauty around you? Celebrate! That’s a big win! 
  • You donated to a cause you care about? You called your representatives? You sent them an email? You went to a protest? Look at you go! Well done! 

Okay, hopefully you get the idea here. What’s one more thing you can celebrate right now? Once you identify it, do a little happy dance, give yourself a pat on the back, or savor a favorite drink or treat and remind yourself that you are worthy of love and celebration, every day, regardless of what you do and don’t do. So are all of us. 

Let’s live from love and take care of each other, friends. 

If you’d like to join me for an opportunity to learn some mental fitness skills and see how saboteurs are keeping you from being happy and living a life you love, head here. 

You can also visit my website to learn more about me. I’m a speaker, performing artist, coach and mental fitness trainer. Thanks for stopping by. 

getting comfortable being uncomfortable

| jamiefeinberg

For the past several weeks, and I’d say even the past couple of months, I’ve been working on practicing acceptance. Specifically, I’ve been working to accept being uncomfortable. Due to my own personal set of privileges and circumstances, while I’ve been living with a variety of health challenges for decades, I’ve been privileged enough to know that most of the time, I can expect I will feel comfortable. While there is pain, discomfort, sometimes very intense stuff to deal with, most of the time, after a period of discomfort, I’ve been able to return to feeling comfortable again. This can be true of an hour, or a day, or of a year, but for me, most of the time, this has been my normal. And I realize that is 100% a gift and a luxury compared to SO many, for so many reasons. 

But more recently, my health picture has been getting more complex. This has meant that more often than I want to admit, to myself or anyone else, I am not at ease. While in some ways my health is stable, I might be forced to ignore one or two painful or awkward symptoms while I talk to you, or do my work, or spend time with a friend. Some days, it’s much worse than that. And while I keep hoping that with time and focus, I will find the magical combination of treatments and life choices and circumstances that will mean all is right with the world again, and these symptoms calm down or go away entirely, I’ve been realizing that that attitude is not actually helping me right now. 

Sure, I can hope for the best. But if most of my energy is spent on hoping for a change of circumstances that I am not actually in control of, that’s basically deferring my happiness until some future date. And I am realizing that I don’t want to live like that. 

I want to be happy right now. And as I’ve learned in my mental fitness studies, the wise way to look at this and to be happy is to either a) accept things as they are or b) commit to converting these circumstances into a gift or opportunity. 

I am all for committing to changing what you can. In terms of my health, I can do things like optimize my eating, exercise, and stress management. I can pursue complementary therapies and research options. But that work can get exhausting quickly. So it is key that when I am not being productive, working to convert those circumstances, I instead practice acceptance. Anything else is actually sabotaging my life and making me less happy – and likely, less healthy in the long run. 

Why does all of this matter to you? Well, see, the thing is that I’ve been realizing that the work that I’ve been sort of encouraged to do by the universe around accepting the reality of the situation I am in as it is, and letting go of expectations that I will always return to being “comfortable”, is also helpful in navigating the larger picture of the world right now. 

Early on, going to protests, speaking up, giving money to those who need it, calling your reps might have felt exciting as much as it felt scary/frustrating/anxiety-provoking etc. But as things are escalating and it’s unclear when and how things will ever “return to normal” or perhaps become something better/calmer etc. further down the line, it can be easy to become discouraged. I picture it like a long, windy path. At the start, you’re armed with enthusiasm for your mission, maybe a good meal and a warm coat, and you’re ready for the adventure. You might even have the first several steps mapped out with clarity. But at a certain point, you’re deep in the woods, and all you can do is put one step in front of the other. You try to remind yourself why you’re doing this, but it can be tough to stay motivated when you can’t see the end goal in sight. (Incidentally, this is also why having a coach can be so helpful. Staying motivated solo can be tough!)

Photo of a snowy, long path with an uncertain destination in the woods by Krisztina Papp

When we’re in the messy middle of it all, we are in liminal space. We’re in between what was and what will be, and we don’t have clarity about how we’re going to get where we need to. We just know the next step or two ahead, and we hope that by the time we do those, we’ll know the next one. 

So if you’re like me, you may be realizing that it’s time to get comfortable being uncomfortable. That may mean realizing that your budget is going to be tighter than you’d like indefinitely, whether because finances are extra tight for you right now or because while others are suffering, you’re going to keep giving up more of your paycheck to help where you can. This may mean it’s time to accept that going to a grocery story or anywhere has more risks than it used to. This may mean your free time is going to be devoted to standing on street corners and shopping for your neighbors. This may mean you think twice before leaving the house. This may mean carrying your passport. 

The thing is, we’re already deep in this. Giving up is likely to mean millions more are killed and deported – some of them US citizens, many born in this country. Giving up means we make it normal to send a five year old child by himself to a “camp”. Giving up means we normalize murdering people trying to drive down the road. Giving up means accepting that the laws don’t apply or need to be followed if you’re the right color and with enough power. Giving up means we accept that it’s normal and okay to persecute people because of their skin color or their accent. Giving up means we accept all of the horrors of the Holocaust, and worse, even though we’ve seen these movies and read the books and heard the personal accounts. 

If you’re starting to accept the idea that acceptance is key here (see what I did there?), here’s the main way I practice acceptance: 

  • I keep breathing. When I catch my thoughts beginning to spiral, when I catch myself in negative thought patterns, I focus on my breath. I focus on the inhale and the exhale. 
  • I make time for my mental fitness practices. Right then and there, I’ll focus on my senses, whether listening or my sense of touch or doing some visual exercises. 
  • When my thoughts inevitably return to judging myself or my circumstances or people I interact with, I focus on letting those thoughts go and choosing acceptance. When I occasionally have a thought that feels important, I make a note of that as an option to pursue. But most of the thoughts are anxiety loops that will only bring me down. Let them go. 
  • I spend extra time practicing gratitude for what I do have, and I work to be as present as possible to enjoying what I have to enjoy in the moment.

If you’d like to join me for an opportunity to learn some mental fitness skills and see how saboteurs are keeping you from being happy and living a life you love, head here. 

Please note: we all benefit from learning to practice acceptance. But accepting that there are things you can’t change today can’t be complacency. There’s a major difference. If we become complacent, we’ve given up. 

Take care, and keep resisting.

Three Ways To Regain Your Footing

| jamiefeinberg

It’s been a while. I took a well-needed break over the holidays, and to be honest, I could have used another couple of weeks, but I’m enjoying getting back into the swing of things in many ways. 

At the same time, I’m dealing with health news, supporting loved ones dealing with hard things, and of course horrendous violence, killings, war and more from you know who. 

Photo of snowy mountains in dim light by Joyston Judah

Rather than write an article myself this week, I’m going to practice some self-care and suggest you read this excellent article by Paul T. Shattuck. 

Please call your reps, take some breaths, and keep resisting. 

You may also enjoy these past articles (with audio meditations) from me: 

A grounding practice for winter

A moving meditation

Breaking the cycle and taking one step

You can also visit my website to learn more about me. I’m a speaker, performing artist, coach and mental fitness trainer. Thanks for stopping by. 

Your fellow Americans and humans need you 

| jamiefeinberg

Hi friends. As usual, I could share so much today, from reminders to rest and breathe and enjoy moments of stillness to applauding you for all you ARE doing, for yourself and for others, in spite of so many opportunities for fear and anxiety and anger. 

But today, for my fellow Americans, I am asking you to make some noise. It should terrify all of us that Marjorie Taylor Greene’s bill criminalizing gender-affirming care for minors (the vast majority of which is actually done on cisgender people, and the vast vast majority of which is NOT surgery, just temporary stuff that delays puberty) has passed the house. 

Photo of a protest and a sign reading “TRANS RIGHTS ARE HUMAN RIGHTS” by Oriel Frankie Ashcroft

We’ve already done so much to take away trans people’s passports that many trans people are now trapped in the United States. We’re literally seeing a replay of the 1930’s playing out again, in so many ways. We can’t say trans in the military and we stripped so many incredible members of the armed forces from their jobs and pensions. I could go on and on and on and on. 

But today? Please, please please, reach out to your reps and tell them that this is a horrendous bill. It would make doctors and parents be criminals just for providing this care, truly life-saving care. Applaud your house members who voted No (yes, there were three Republicans, and some sat out) and express your anger and frustration with those who voted yes (including Democrats Cuellar, Davis, and Gonzalez, and some sat out). Let your senators know that taking away the rights of trans people are NOT why you elected them. Speak up while we can. Before they come for every other minority group, even more than they have already. Immigrants and trans people are just the beginning. 

I know there are so many causes deserving your attention. Please do your part to keep our trans friends and neighbors and family members alive and able to focus on all the other life stuff. And do NOT prosecute people for supporting them in living their lives. 

I anticipate I may take a couple of weeks off from writing for the holidays. While I don’t have major holiday plans, I will be taking time to rest, regroup, and enjoy some time with loved ones. I hope you’re able to do the same, and regardless of your circumstances, that you’re able to find joy and light during this season. 

Keep resisting. 

For mental fitness tips, coaching, or to learn more about how you can work with me and live a life with more joy and free of habits that keep you stuck, come grab your free session with me.

P.S. As I was about to send this, I saw that a second anti-trans bill, this one a Medicaid ban for trans youth, has passed the house. Speak up against this too, please.