Struggling with motivation? just keep showing up

November 15, 2024 | jamiefeinberg

Photo by Eberhard Grossgasteiger

This has been a week here, friends, and perhaps it has been for you too. I’m grateful for most things being status quo. But I’ve been sick for nearly three weeks now (way better, but still dealing with fatigue and a voice that hasn’t fully returned), and the extra nuisance of all of it has combined to reduce my motivation to 0 most of the time.

If you can relate to this at all, I’m sorry. And here’s what I’m doing, or at least trying to do, when it’s an issue for me.

Consistency is Key

Just as I know building consistency in my business is key, even in the face of illness or a lack of motivation or feeling like the world is on the brink of collapse, I also know that consistency is key in my personal life. Maintaining whatever habits you can reaps mega benefits. Dishes washed today mean less dishes to wash tomorrow. Taking a shower and keeping my weekly family or friend check-in or getting out for a daily walk are habits you’ve probably worked hard to establish. If possible, resist the urge to cancel it all and crawl into a hole. And if you do cancel it once, do everything possible not to cancel a second time.

Find a Safe Space to Vent

Don’t keep the whirling and swirling emotions in the bottle that is your own mind, my friends. Whether a safe space looks like a journal or a chat with a like-minded family member or friend or a talk with a therapist or a group coaching or accountability session, we all need the opportunity to get our feelings out.

Use Your Creativity

This can actually qualify as a way to vent as well. Maybe the way to stop a panic spiral for you will be to paint a messy painting or dance around your living room or write a short story or poem. Maybe it’s coloring or taking out your Legos. Or maybe it’s whipping up a new concoction in the kitchen.

Get Into Your Body

One of the best antidotes for endless thoughts and feelings in your head is to get out of your head (and heart) and into your body. Find a yoga video, or take a local class. Do some polyvagal exercises or do some jumping jacks. Punch your pillow or chase a ball with your pet. Or practice mindfulness exercises to stay present.

Practice Gratitude

Name five things you’re grateful for before bed. Thank a loved one for a kindness, recent or in the past. Count your blessings like you could count sheep before bed. Even when things look bleak, I always have a lot of things I can be grateful for and present to, right now. I hope you do too.

Offer Yourself Grace

More than anything else, whether you do any of these or not, please offer yourself grace. You are doing the best you can right now. And if that comes easily, try offering grace to someone else too. But more than anything, know that you’re really doing the best you can today. And you can celebrate that.

Sending lots of love your way. Hang in there. And I’d love to hear your suggestions too!

P.S. One of the best tools I’ve found to offer grace to myself and others, with a bonus of providing opportunities for venting in tough times, has been my Enneagram work. I’m currently recruiting both Enneagram newbies, ready to learn more about themselves and why they do what they do, as well as those who already know their number who’d like to join my Enneagram Book Club. And if you don’t have a clue what the Enneagram is, I’m offering an intro workshop (free) soon that you can sign up for.

Processing post-election panic

November 8, 2024 | jamiefeinberg

Where do you begin, when your worst fears seem to be coming true?

How do you process it? And what do you do?

Photo credit: Marek from Pixabay

Back in 2020, when it became clear we might be facing a second term of Trump, my husband and I were fearful for our future. We relied on affordable health insurance as self-employed people and people with pre-existing conditions. We had one plan available to us as we traveled the country in our RV. If that plan went away, or if, even worse, all affordable health care went away for those who were self-employed, we wouldn’t be able to do the work that we loved. Not to mention fears around bodily autonomy and the Supreme Court.

So while in 2016 we’d done a bit of research into moving to Canada, we got serious about it in 2020. Ultimately, for us, the path forward involved my husband going back to school.

We knew we might be overreacting, but we felt like we needed to prioritize our own survival (including mental health) first. So we went for it. We knew we were super privileged. But we felt we needed to put our own oxygen mask on first and avoid becoming a burden to our friends and family if we stuck around and weren’t able to make things work.

Unfortunately, there have been several times since we moved here that we’ve been reminded that some of our worst fears have come true. Reproductive rights being the stunning one. And of course, now, it feels like that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

My work isn’t political on the surface. I help people to create a life they love. Sometimes that’s career coaching, sometimes it’s life coaching. Sometimes it’s mental fitness work or exploring spirituality or many other topics. But I’ve always been passionate about human rights. The rights of everyone to make their own, empowered choices, regardless of what other people expect or advise or prefer. The rights of ALL of us, without judgment of our gender or if we’re trans, the rights of all of us under the 2SGLTQIA+ umbrella, whatever our skin color or country of origin or religion or abilities or neurodiversity…you get the idea.

I want everyone to be fully supported in becoming their full, authentic selves, bringing their own unique gifts and perspective to the world, because I believe that makes the world a better place. If we all had our needs met and could tap into what we do best, I truly think so much fear and anger and hate around the world would start to disappear.

Facing the news yesterday, I observed myself moving through a series of emotions. I’d feel mad, frustrated, fearful, sad, anxious about the future. I’d then catch myself in my emotions and do some grounding work to regulate myself. And then, soon enough, my thoughts would take over again. Maybe I’m ten minutes into a task and another idea occurs to me and I’m in tears or raging. Things like:

What if we have another pandemic in the next four years?
What if Canada kicks my husband and me out unexpectedly?
What if my friends and family aren’t safe? How can I support them if things get really bad?
How do I respect and forgive my friends who prioritized their own concerns over what seems most pressing to me – the humanity and bodily autonomy of a majority of US citizens?
How do I stay regulated and not rage over inconsequential things (otherwise known as, tell me you’re an Enneagram 1 without telling me you’re an Enneagram 1)
I love the warmth of this tea…or this blue sky….How do I avoid losing sight of those gifts in my own fears right now?
How much time before it gets scary?
What about everyone who can’t leave?

In all of this, I keep coming back to gratitude. Anchoring into that has been useful for me.

Gratitude that I’m here in Canada
Gratitude for the community of people here as well as the global community of friends and family who love and support us
Gratitude for beautiful days, for a warm drink, for an apartment we can afford, for work that lights us up
Gratitude that right now, today, my friends and family are okay

And on and on.

Please take the time you need to acknowledge and process your emotions. And when you’re ready, use your tools to self-regulate, to lock into gratitude, to truly care for yourself and your needs right now.

I hope that in the coming days, if you’re also in the United States and feeling fearful (or, honestly, even if you aren’t), I hope you’ll consider asking yourself a few questions. Before doing so, I encourage you to make sure you’re in as grounded, calm, and wise a mindset as possible, to make sure that you answer these questions not from fear, but from love, with the best wisdom your mind has to offer:

Is there anything I’ve been putting off that I should get to soon?
Are there any steps I should take to keep myself and my loved ones safe?
Are there any conversations I need to have with friends or family?
What are my worst fears – and is there anything I can do today to alleviate them?

If you aren’t sure how to calm yourself down or change your emotional state, there are some wonderful tools out there, including many I teach. You can also check out this article I wrote in 2021 on breaking out of a funk.

Please don’t judge yourself or your friends or neighbors for how they’re processing things right now. As much as it might be tempting to, try to view yourself, and others, and even this situation, with curiosity. If we can tap into the wisest part of ourselves, acting from love for ourselves and those we care about, we are much better equipped to work efficiently, feel empathy, and know what’s needed from us in this moment.

(And on a lighter note, my friend Dave Agans has an amazingly hilarious series, a trio of books, the last of which I finally read recently. If you’re into quirky sci-fi or speculative fiction and humor, you might love The Urban Legion as much as I do. Somehow I feel like these might both resonate/feel prescient and also be a great way to relax right now.)

Take care, friends.

P.S. I’m going to begin offering a fifteen minute pause each week for us to reset. There’s no cost. If you want to join me to do some mindfulness exercises, ground ourselves, feel a little joy, and release those negative emotions, you are most welcome. You can sign up here. Alternately, I periodically coach and share in my Facebook group, Crafting the Life You Want.

Can Rage Be Healthy?

August 9, 2024 | jamiefeinberg

A few weeks back, it was about three p.m., and I’d had a great day. A few physical symptoms I wasn’t loving, but I’d still had a really productive morning: got regular bloodwork taken, took a gorgeous walk along the ocean, went food shopping at the supermarket and the farmer’s market, and I completed several to-dos at home and work.

Pretty awesome, right?

I was feeling accomplished and grateful to have energy for all that.

And then, all of a sudden, a passing thought – I don’t feel quite right. I don’t think my body is regulated right now.

No obvious trigger or anything. Just out of the blue.

Ross and I had just made plans to go take a spontaneous trip maybe a half hour prior, so I readied myself to go and wondered if I should pause for some polyvagal exercises just in case to settle myself.

And then, picking up my phone, I encountered a tech issue. And I immediately went into a rage.

I was PISSED. Physical sensations of tightness and heat and even verging on facial numbness, through my face and chest. Anger seething through my arms, angry thoughts and visceral sensations so oversized for the situation.

Ross was in the room with me, and none of this was directed at him, but after feeling on display and unable to control myself, I just picked myself up and went to bed, where I then pounded my mattress and pillow, made some loud rage noises, and continued the display without an audience.

And the thoughts right behind were along the lines of why is this happening? I wish I could control this! I thought I had the skills to avoid rage now! I’ve done so much Enneagram and mental fitness work…where did this come from?

But after a bit of these unhelpful, frustrated thoughts, I realized there was something I could do: I could accept the situation. I could accept that this is happening right now, and not try to fight it. And when a little after that, thinking I was feeling better, I realized I was still on the edge of rage, I called upon acceptance again.

Radical acceptance is defined as “the ability to accept situations that are outside of your control without judging them, which reduces the suffering they cause” by Verywell. Once we accept the situation as it is, we’re able to accept that we’re having emotions. It helps the different parts of ourselves to feel heard and seen.

I couldn’t change that I was having a tough day where I was easily disregulated. I was using my tools (one of them being to focus on the physical symptoms of rage and anger), and maybe that helped some. But I wasn’t able to stop the symptoms from reoccuring. But I was able to stop the anxiety spiral by focuing on accepting the situation and the fact that I couldn’t control it or change it.

The more practiced I have become at using the tools in my toolbox, the more quickly I’m able to recognize unhealthy thought patterns and old habits, ground myself, and consider making a different choice.

Whether you deal with rage or anxiety or fear or other struggles, you have the opportunity to accept things as they are, each and every moment, if you choose to. And whether you choose to break the pattern or not, please don’t judge yourself. Accept yourself just as you are and let the rest go.

Think you might like a coach to help you cultivate these skills? Let’s talk!

P.S. Our Enneagram Journey group begins next week. This is the intro program where you get to learn about your personality and how to break out of old thought patterns, and you learn about why other people do what they do as well. It’s a fantastic program created by Suzanne Stabile – reach out if you’d like to join us! (All genders are welcome!)

SIX SELF-CARE TIPS FOR AN UNCERTAIN WORLD

One yellow flower in foreground, green and other flowers behind it and all in front of a fence.

October 11, 2023 | jamiefeinberg

What can I write right now? Let me begin with some context.

On January 6th, 2021, as a citizen of the United States, I was completely at a loss as the news showed signs of democracy crumbling with the attack on the capitol. We were living in our 25’ RV outside of Albuquerque. We stayed home as talk of potential violence in other cities was being bandied about. We were grateful for a safe place to be and enough food in the fridge. We felt shock, but we also felt this was somehow predictable, in a way, given the way things had been going in the U.S. up until this point.

Previous to that day, the only experience I’d had like this would have been 9/11, when I was still a senior in high school, though news of the pandemic and George Floyd’s murder and a variety of other events also spring to mind as well. (This obviously reflects my privilege – if I had lived in other cities, had a different skin color etc., I may not have been so insulated from news like this.)

Facing the horrifying news of January 6 led me to write a blog post. In it, I wrote the following:

“I’m honestly at a loss about where to start this post. All of the mindfulness practice in the world can’t change the fact that we’re in the midst of a global pandemic, an American crisis of democracy, and that we’re dealing with the effects of systemic racism, made more plain every day.

On a personal level, I’m finding that calming my mind for yoga or meditation is extremely difficult, walking, while therapeutic, doesn’t solve anything once the walk itself has ended, and talking to friends or family may fan the flames rather than put out the fire.

I’m torn between the desire to veg out on the couch with a movie and the desire to throw all of my energy into work.

If I’m feeling this way, I know you might be too.”

So what did I do with those feelings? I channeled them into self-care tips. I posted some of my top tips for self-care in an uncertain world.

It resonated with many of you. Since then, I’ve learned a lot more tools for handling anxiety, fear, overwhelm, anger, and stress. You may be feeling some of these emotions in light of what’s happening in Israel and Palestine. You may be focused more on Ukraine or on the ways bodily autonomy is being taken away or any of the many, many other problems you are seeing locally and around the world.

Wherever you’re at, please know that you aren’t alone. Here are six ways to practice self-care in times like these.

1 BE PRESENT
Feel your feet on the floor. Take very slow breaths, and focus on your breath going in, holding for a moment, and going back out. If you can’t get any alone time for this, do it on the toilet. Seriously. (I used to do that when I worked a corporate job in a cubicle! Sometimes I’ve heard it can work for a parent or babysitter too.) Wiggle your fingers or your toes. Identify something you feel with each of your senses. Find something of every color in your line of vision. Any grounding technique will get you there. Be here now. Let the thoughts that come to your mind go, and return to concentrating on your breath.

2 SAVOR A HOT BEVERAGE
If you can carve out 5-10 minutes to do this, it’s an easy way to give yourself alone time that is just for you. Each morning, part of my routine includes a cup of tea. You may go with an evening cup, or a cup of coffee, or some hot chocolate. Take the time to feel the warmth of the mug, to smell and taste the beverage. The ritual and experience of this is so satisfying, relatively easy and affordable, easy to include if you have any dietary restrictions, and a moment to indulge yourself.

3 TAKE A WALK
My daily walks have been giving me life for years. They are especially essential to my mental health when the world is, pardon my language, a shitshow. If my body allows, I do everything I can to make my walk happen. I highly recommend taking your walk outside if at all possible for you. Freezing temperatures? Bundle up, and keep it short if you don’t warm up within 10-15 minutes. (Personally, by that time I’m usually feeling a lot warmer.) Go at your own pace. If walking isn’t feasible for you, step outside and feel a breeze. Grab a chair, even if you have to bundle up. And if safety or timing or health etc. keep you from getting outside, my next best recommendation is to make time to look outside, provided that’s safe where you are. Science shows us that looking at nature is calming, Getting outside is calming. (And if you struggle with motivation, walk with a friend or call a friend and do so remotely.)

4 ENJOY A RELAXING BOOK/GAME/SHOW/PODCAST
Back in 2020 I realized that a book of fiction can still be stressful when you’re feeling anxious or on edge – but there are so many options for media, and I’d really encourage you to choose content that makes you feel good or that comforts you right now, at least sometimes, as part of your designated self-care.

Whether it’s listening to a favorite comedian, reading a romance novel, solving a mystery box or returning to a sacred text, or even watching a favorite show, I encourage you to practice self-care that includes some pick-me-ups and distractions. When the world is overwhelming, we can use a break from the news cycle, and if you stick to media that will truly relax and refresh you and consume it mindfully, it can be essential self-care.

5 JOURNAL
I journal each morning, as soon as I get up, as a way of getting the cobwebs out, as outlined in The Artist’s Way. Whatever thoughts and fears are rolling around in my head get recognized immediately, at which point I can let them go, allowing me to go about my day with clarity. I highly recommend it – it’s been my practice for four years now.

6 TAKE A BATH OR SHOWER
One of my favorite forms of self-care is to take a bath. I’ve always found it so relaxing. Focusing on the warm water of a bath or a shower is also a beautiful mindfulness technique.

I don’t currently have a bathtub in my apartment, so I treasure my showers. (And when I occasionally stay at a hotel with a bathtub, it feels like such an indulgence!) If you have the luxury of a bath or shower available to you, it’s a beautiful way to practice self-care.

If you found these tips helpful, you might also want to grab your copy of my free resource, The Four Steps To Your Dream Life Blueprint. And if you’d like me to teach you some of my favorite mindfulness techniques or help you identify the roadblocks keeping you from living a life you love, please choose a time to connect with me.

And I’d love to hear your feedback: What did I miss? Which of these do you find most helpful?

You might also appreciate this article on using frustration as fuel for the future or my spring keynote on crafting your life adventure.

Eliminating Soul Clutter

December 18, 2020December 17, 2020 | jamiefeinberg

“How am I regularly getting rid of the soul clutter I no longer need?”

Emily P. Freeman shared this prompt in her book The Next Right Thing, and I LOVED it.

How powerful is that?

Soul clutter. The cobwebs keeping you from making meaningful connections. The dust hiding your true desires. The distractions and disappointments. It’s both poetic and real.

What are you holding onto that you can let go of? What stories, what taunts, what hurts, what old patterns aren’t serving you any longer?

As she goes on to say in her book, it’s not that you shouldn’t hold onto anything, but that nothing should have a hold on you.

When we can let go of the stress of extra obligations, when we can declutter and destress and clear the decks, it’s in the stillness that we can hear our inner wisdom.

Clearing space, away from technology, away from the voices of others telling us what is or isn’t right for us, we start to hear that inner knowing. That’s when the wisdom comes. That’s when the answers appear.

Have you carved out any time for stillness or silence this week? When you do, what do you hear?

______________________________

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Present Over Perfect

January 31, 2020February 5, 2020 | jamiefeinberg

Present over perfect. I’ve started reading this book, and I almost could have written it myself.

When we decided to take this journey, my physical and mental health were near a breaking point. I was ready to find a new way, though I imagined it was going to be a temporary break.

Over time, I’ve come to realize just how exhausted I was, and just how much I’d overdone things. It doesn’t matter that I usually get eight hours of sleep – it wasn’t enough.

And now that we’ve created this amazing, almost sustainable life for ourselves, I’m working harder than I have in many years, and I have to keep checking in with myself, making sure I’m not overdoing it. But things feel so different. I’m grounded. Even on a busy day that could be stressful, I take the time for breathing, for walking, for myself and even when the obstacles get thrown at me, I remain continually, pleasantly surprised and thankful that I feel comfortable and capable.

Present over perfect. I just started this book, but I couldn’t resist a reflection. And a recommendation.