Friends, I am disgusted and fearful and angry and sad and more when I read news headlines or simply think about how many children and adults are suffering and whose rights are being stripped away.
I just called my senators to oppose Casey Means for Surgeon General. I will keep calling my representatives to hold them accountable each week. And I will spend a little time each day being open to the best ways that I can make a difference in the world.
But you know one of my favorite things in the world?
Sunlight.
Photo of a happy dog running down a path by Pixabay
A sunny day, with blue sky and mild temperatures, is such a gift. And in our part of the world, I am getting more and more beautiful sunny days to enjoy. Spring is a beautiful time of year. I’m watching tulips begin to bloom, and watching bumblebees and honeybees at work. Friends are beginning to share the bounty of their gardens with us. I’m taking more joy (and less layers!) on my walks.
While I know there are plenty of people in the world, like my husband, who struggle to deal with the heat that the sun can bring, we know the sun isn’t just a beautiful gift for us. It’s also essential to life. Without the sun, plants and nature can’t do its job, and our food supply would be at stake. We’re all so interconnected, and the sun is an essential piece of the puzzle in our lives.
You may also be feeling stressed. You may feel pressured by some saboteurs in your minds. Perhaps you’ve got some thoughts popping in on the regular, telling you that you can rest AFTER you achieve your next goal, or hit your next financial milestone, or finish doing ______.
I want to challenge you to ignore those voices. Be here NOW. Enjoy the sun as it comes through your window or touches your face. Smell the flowers. Savor the feeling of a breeze on your face, or the wind in your hair. If you are a gardener, enjoy the cool soil between your fingers, or the delicate seeds and plants you cultivate, or the glistening water as you water a flower.
We have no idea what’s coming tomorrow. If habeas corpus is eliminated in the United States, none of our rights to due process are safe. That could mean we’re also rounded up and imprisoned in the days or weeks or years to come. We can try to fight it, but it’s something much, much bigger than just us. The fight may or may not be successful.
So what can you do, in the face of uncertainty? In the face of possible peril?
Be here now. Enjoy the sun. Savor that slice of cake or a moment or play or joy with loved ones. And remember that rest is also resistance. Life is a marathon, and not a sprint. Keep tuning in to where you are, and appreciate all of the nuisances, details, and even fun that it offers.
Take good care. Enjoy the sun.
Want to learn more about the saboteurs getting in the way of a more efficient, effective, and happy life? Let’s talk.
Looking for a speaker for an online or in-person event? I’d love to hear from you, or have you recommend me to a friend.
In stressful situations, we tend to default to old habits and/or move into survival mode to keep ourselves safe. All of this is completely understandable.
Because we’ve all had different experiences, have different brains, differences, personalities and more, what one person does under stress can look quite different from someone else. It’s part of what makes us unique. But what isn’t unique is that we are all hardwired to do certain patterns of behavior under these circumstances.
In thinking about the state of the world right now, I’m especially aware of how dangerous traveling is for so many people right now. Perhaps you don’t feel safe traveling internationally (or at least, you don’t feel safe crossing the border to get back in). Perhaps you don’t feel safe going to the grocery store or even leaving your home.
The situations may be different, and the reasons may be different, but in any of these circumstances, the goal is for us to be able to stay calm under pressure. We want to know that we will be calm and in control of our actions, even if we are being interrogated or profiled or otherwise threatened.
So I want to talk a bit about what happens to us under pressure, and how we can strengthen our practices and our minds to help keep us safe (or at least increase the likelihood of a positive interaction) in future encounters.
Photo of blue sky and branches by Optical Chemist
I’m going to do so with compassion for others in challenging circumstances, to the best of my ability. I’m going to do so using the lens of the Enneagram and mental fitness. As usual, please keep in mind that I’m not a scientist or a therapist, and what I’m sharing are my own opinions based on my own experiences. If you want the technical scientific jargon, I probably won’t be going there, and I’m also not a lawyer or a therapist, so consult your own if possible and do your own homework and come to your own conclusions.
My personal belief is that we all have some sort of wise, wonderful being inside of us. Maybe you’d call it your soul, or your sage or your wise mind. This special being is there from the time we are born. As soon as we’re born, basically, we start having experiences in the real world. From the noises and feelings when we first leave the womb, to the ways our family of origin treats us, to the kind and the harsh and the horrible humans who cross our paths along the way, we are challenged.
As a result of these experiences, we start developing a personality. We pick up traits along the way. We find that we get positive reactions or are safer more frequently when we do certain things, so we lean into those more. In the language of Positive Intelligence, the mental fitness program I use in my training and coaching, we find that some of our skills and characteristics serve us well, so we do them more and more, eventually resulting in some “saboteur” behaviors. We might discover people-pleasing tendencies, or a hyper-achiever who tells us we must keep “doing” or we don’t have value. Maybe we develop restless or avoider or controlling saboteurs as ways of coping with the world.
In the language of the Enneagram, by the time we are adults, we’ve settled into a grab bag of personality traits that sometimes help us and sometimes hurt us, because we overly rely on them. They trap us. If we study the Enneagram, we’ll learn that there are other people in the world very similar to us, whose personality types are also aligned with ours, though our own individual circumstances and that underlying soul within us means we’re still all different people.
Whether we’re using the language of mental fitness or of the Enneagram, if we are privileged enough to begin working on ourselves, it begins with non-judgmental self-observation and a recognition that we’ve been holding so tightly to these personality traits and behaviors that they are no longer serving us. We recognize that if we want to become more of that beautiful soul, more of that lovely sage being, so wise and as we were created, we’ll need to let go of the grip that our personality holds on us.
And if we’re able to see this, whether it’s because we did a saboteur assessment or read a book or experienced a life-altering circumstance or something else entirely, then we’ll find ourselves asking the question: what’s next? How do I step out of these habitual patterns that I’ve been in for so long, that have me trapped in my own patterns of personality?
The answer, in a word? Presence.
When we are able to let go of the sabotaging thoughts and judgment of our own mind, and instead practice being in the present moment, it’s the first step toward our own self-actualization.
It sounds lofty, but if we are able to practice, day in and day out, being fully present where we are, whether that’s by getting outside in nature or fully savoring a meal or feeling the water on our hands, we are, step by step, loosening the grip of our personality and making it easier for the wisdom of our wise mind to make it to the surface.
You may be wondering what the heck this has to do with staying calm when we’re traveling. That’s fair!
But it has everything to do with it. If we practice grounding ourselves, using any tools of mindfulness, while letting go of judgment, we are increasing the likelihood that when we encounter a stressful situation, we will be able to hear the wisdom of our wise mind. We’ll increase the likelihood that we will know how to best take care of ourselves in that situation. We become calmer, and wiser, and less anxious. Our wise mind will recognize whether we need to go hide, or explore a solution, or fight back, or simply have the words to answer a question calmly and in the wisest way possible.
We don’t usually learn to do this work. We are rarely, if ever, taught these skills in school. We are not taught that our mental muscles need to be strengthened and exercised just as much as our physical muscles do.
If you’re curious about this, I’m pleased to offer a Saboteur Assessment, without cost, to anyone interested in learning more about how they’ve been getting in their own way. Whether or not you choose to work with me in the future, I’d love to help you gain the understanding to move forward in the world without being held back by your own patterns of personality.
I can’t control what happens to you when you travel. But I’d love to empower you with the tools to control as much as you CAN control in your life.
Gosh, it’s been a month of a week, and I have had a few days in particular where it’s been a struggle to keep myself grounded. On one of those days, I was working on some never fun bureaucracy type stuff, and it was triggering panic in my body, in spite of all the mindfulness work I was doing to work through it. I felt alarmed and had a day of important things to do, and as Ross tried to help me as we prepared for an important meeting, I realized if I didn’t get myself under control, I was bound to trigger him and likely have a rage episode.
So what does progress look like? In this case, progress was telling Ross I was going upstairs because I couldn’t get myself under control. There, I ran in place for two minutes to wear myself out. And then I just let my body settle down. As I prepared myself some lunch, I realized it had truly worked, and my body was grounded again. And thank goodness, because when a couple of hours later, I managed to spill water all over the kitchen floor washing dishes, I just laughed for a couple of seconds, grabbed a couple of towels, and cleaned it up. And when those kitchen towels weren’t enough, I headed downstairs for a bath towel, laughingly summarizing for Ross what I’d done in passing as he said he was sorry I had a hard time from the next room.
Friends, in the past, this would have had me raging and upsetting my husband, perhaps getting in the way of his ability to show up for our meeting. It would have resulted in me beating other people up and then beating myself up for hours, thanks to the judge in my head.
Instead? It was just a day, friends.
This is what can happen when we take those small, daily steps to instill better habits. I’ve got a mindfulness habit. I do group work using mental fitness and the Enneagram throughout the month. And I’ve cultivated healthy communication and listening with my husband.
There are signs of progress outside of my own life too. I’m especially inspired seeing the media coverage of some of the things ICE is doing (like detaining and basically torturing lawful permanent residents of the United States, citizens of Canada who never violated laws, and many more stories of what those profiled in the media have seen). Knowing that judges are saying no (even if the administration is trying to pretend that doesn’t matter) and that some of the anti-trans laws and actions are being struck down is promising.
Spring is my favorite season, because it is such a sign of progress. We get to see bits and bobs of life springing up from nothing. It’s so exciting and beautiful and encouraging after a long winter.
Wherever you are, whatever you’re facing this week, I hope you can see glimmers of hope. Bits of progress in your own life and in the world.
I’m feeling rundown, friends. Tired from the news, angry for friends and loved ones and innocent strangers being targeted and persecuted. If I let my mind wander, it’s easy to move into a space of anxiety about what’s coming down the line.
Keeping myself grounded and staying on top of self-care can be challenging in all of this. I know that the more I stay present to what I’m doing, my physical actions, where I am in this moment, the better I feel. But the old habits of worry can be tricky to avoid repeating.
So I feel like now, more than ever, centering my day and my mind on gratitude is essential.
Photo credit: Alex P
I’m grateful to be in a community (multiple, actually) where I feel seen and valued.
I’m grateful to have a warm and comfortable apartment, with food in the refrigerator, running water and plumbing, and even a washer and dryer (something I’ve often lived without).
I’m grateful to have hobbies and work that bring joy to my life and fulfill me, from taking walks in nature to solving mystery boxes to making music or coloring or playing games and solving mysteries with family and friends.
I’m grateful for a husband and a cat who enhance each day with their presence.
I’m grateful for family and friends around the world who make the effort to stay connected with me, even when it’s challenging to do so.
I’m grateful to know why I am here and to have more and more tools to help me as I work to fulfill my mission in the world: to help people to create and live a life that they love.
Especially if you’re struggling right now, I encourage you to take a moment, every day, to anchor into gratitude. The small stuff can be especially important to acknowledge.
Is a gratitude practice a part of your life?
What are you grateful for right now?
If this was useful, you might want to check out one of my recent, related articles:
It’s been quite a week here on Prince Edward Island in Canada. After many weeks of frigid temperatures, for this past week, I’ve been enjoying milder temperatures (with several days warmer than freezing), and with ample sunlight and blue sky on several days too. Though I know it’s still winter, and we’ve got much more snow and freezing temperatures to come, I can’t help but feel that this bit of a thaw is a touch of spring, and a gentle reminder from Mother Nature to keep my chin up.
“Look!” the birds seem to say as they swim in whatever puddles they can find. “Spring is coming! You’ve made it this far! Keep going!”
Photo of chickadee on a spring branch by Nikola Tomašić
And this feeling, in turn, I’m finding reflected in my work and life. After months of liminality, finding it challenging to maintain momentum when I’m still in the “messy middle” of sorting out many projects and next business steps, this week I’ve had several encouraging signs of progress.
On Monday, I gave my first talk of the year to a classroom of women transitioning into (or back into) the workforce. The co-teacher of the class was extremely encouraging to me, and she let me know that the women told her they could have kept listening to me all day! It’s always a beautiful day when you get to support people and inspire them to create a life they love.
Today, I spoke with an editor and publisher for the first time about my memoir, which is mostly written but has sat on a shelf for quite a while as other priorities took the forefront. (You can join the email list for it here.) They were so encouraging, and again, it felt like the right time and the message I needed to hear. Such a gift.
Other highlights included a promising job interview, voice lessons with new and returning students, and great feedback from a client on a project.
At the same time I’m seeing this bit of encouragement from the universe, showing me signs that I’m on the right path for me and it will keep getting better, I’m looking for signs of the same outside of myself.
I’m encouraged when I see the ways Canadians are banding together, supporting local when they can. I’m also encouraged that while the vast majority of Republicans are still bowing down to the self-named king, I’m seeing more and more signs of ways that people are stepping up, fighting back, and using their power where they can.
We don’t have to wait and watch our rights be taken away. Though for some, taking action means protecting yourself, for many, we can call, we can march, we can donate, and we can fight back, in whatever creative ways we are called to do so.
I know things are tough right now for so many. Where are you finding hope in challenging times?
P.S. If you’re finding yourself struggling with motivation right now, I hear you. Here’s an article I wrote on the topic a few months back. Please offer yourself, and others, grace, as you can. And if you’d like to learn more about what’s keeping you from achieving all that’s possible for you, experiencing a life with more ease and joy, sign up for a Saboteur Assessment.
I recently read the beautiful book The Serviceberry, and in it, author Robin Wall Kimmerer (perhaps you were also enthralled by her book Braiding Sweetgrass?) says “I’ve always believed that those who have more joy win”.
Photo of Black caregiver and child, feeling joy, by Sasha Kim
This reminded me of the many quotes and talks and books I’ve been encountering from Black female (some also 2SLGBTQIA+) writers, sharing the idea of rest or even joy as resistance. I’ll confess I haven’t given bell hooks their due yet (I KNOW, I have work to do), but contemporary writers and speakers usually attribute this line of thought, in part, to bell hooks.
I’m writing this after spending an exhausting hour and a half processing the news, reaching out to my reps, and posting to Facebook, where I am finding it increasingly challenging to spend any time without feeling miserable. I think it’s partly the addictive algorithm, partly the way we’ve gone from seeing friends’ posts to seeing advertisements, and partly that the news is just so abysmal and divisive right now.
After all, people are dying, people are being deported, culture is being canceled. In addition to executive orders doing horrendous things, including consolidating power to a level never before seen and clearly setting us up for a dictatorship and lying to the world about Ukraine and their president, I read a post from a trans man and pastor (and friend of a friend) who, after having a passport affirming his male gender identity for the past ten years, renewed his passport only to see himself listed as female (“F”) on the new passport. Other posts are showing the dichotomies, where some nonprofits are no longer providing gender-affirming care and others (as well as the Army) are proceeding as usual, ignoring the orders from above.
So yes, I’m fighting. I hope you’re doing what you can to also support human rights, wherever you are.
But I want to also encourage you to follow Robin’s suggestion. Find more joy. Explore joy. Joy is rebellion, resistance, and revolution!
We resist when we enjoy a movie or a dinner or a walk with our same-sex partner.
We resist when we savor a cup of coffee or tea while looking at a beautiful view.
We resist when we hug, or dance, or laugh.
We may be in extremely challenging times, but if you’re able to stop and read this, I’ll bet you’re also able to find joy. Smell a candle. Hold someone’s hand. Make eye contact with a stranger. Savor a delicious food.
One benefit of making time for joy, in addition to resisting the misery that some out of touch billionaires would want for us, is that feeling joy is also grounding. All of these exercises I mentioned, when entered into with an intention of connection, wholeness, or just full presence, help to ground us in the here and now.
And when we keep ourselves regulated and ground ourselves in the present, we are healing ourselves, and helping ourselves to show up in the best ways we can for ourselves, for our families, for our communities, and for the world.
Monday I offer my Mental Fitness for Musicians class again. It’s absolutely a joy to be able to help musicians to recognize the sabotaging thoughts that get in the way, both in making music and in life and career as a musician more generally, and learn tools to work through the fear, the anxiety, and become more effective musicians, and more JOYFUL musicians, as a result.
If you know a musician who’d benefit, or you’re one yourself, I’d love to see you there.
But wherever you are, and whatever you do, I want to encourage you to be present to joy, and cultivate it. Even when the world collapses around us. If you’re finding joy, you’re winning.
Photo by Jeff Stapleton is a person holding a cardboard sign reading “WHAT NOW?”
We’re living in uncertain times, friends. The news is fast and furious and can change from moment to moment and day to day. So today, I wanted to explore what we can learn from this uncertainty.
In a recent Betterhelp article, they define liminal space as “ a transitional or in-between area that evokes feelings of ambiguity and unease, often occurring during times of change.”
Liminal space is also much of the subject in Suzanne Stabile’s The Journey Toward Wholeness, a book I’ve read several times and that we’re currently studying in one of my Enneagram groups.
I think of liminal space as the in-between, where it feels like nothing is certain. You know where you’ve been, but it’s not where you are now, and it’s not where you’re headed….well, you may not even know where you’re headed. Liminal space can invite you to question everything, including your need to question entirely.
If you’ve graduated from school but haven’t found a job, you’re in liminal space. If you’re in a relationship with someone that doesn’t have a name yet, you’re in liminal space. If you’re grieving for a loved one who is ill but hasn’t died yet, you’re in liminal space. If you’re building a business or working on a project and a lot of the details are fuzzy and you’re not sure where exactly you’re going to wind up, you’re in liminal space.
The uncertainty of the political situation (and thus, the living conditions of the people there) in the United States is undoubtedly liminal space. Even if we have hunches on what will unfold in the weeks and months and years to come, the vast majority of us may be feeling uncertain: uncertain of the time table, uncertain of the outcome, and perhaps uncertain of our role to play or even what’s to become of us.
Let’s acknowledge that that is a lot to carry. Liminal space isn’t easy. Richard Rohr has also said he believes it is the most teachable space. We have so much to learn in uncertain times, if we choose to be open to that learning.
If you’re feeling the “ambiguity and unease” of liminal space, I’m so sorry. It’s really hard. I hear you. I hope you have people you trust and places to find comfort during these challenging times. I wish I had all the answers and enough spaces to keep everyone safe from the dangers around us right now.
I do a lot of offering practices here, and I certainly could do that today. If that’s what you need, I’ll remind you to take time for self-care, whether that means social media breaks, calling your reps, finding joy, or just taking a shower or having a nourishing meal.
But today, I’ll focus on some lessons that uncertainty is teaching me right now, or at least trying to teach me, if I choose to listen.
I can’t control everything. In fact, most of it all is out of my control. I might as well let go and learn to surf the waves, because the illusion of control is on full display right now.
I don’t know the time table. Of my business, of my life, even of the Trump administration. So that offers me opportunities to prioritize what matters most right now and let go of my expectations.
Letting go of expectations is a huge lesson I continue to work on. Uncertainty shows me that in spades.
I’m not the only one feeling uncertain. I’m a part of a much larger community. And finding ways for that community to come together, and embracing those opportunities, is an incredible opportunity. What’s possible, if we get through this?
In the midst of uncertainty, I see even more, day to day, just how important relishing the present moment is. Enjoy that coffee. Listen to your favorite song. Dance, whether people are watching or not. Enjoy the sunshine through the window or on your face. Nothing is promised.
While so much is uncertain, the things that aren’t can stand in stark relief to the uncertainty. Love and relationships mean more somehow when the world is in turmoil around us.
Gratitude is an ever-important practice to me in the face of uncertainty.
If this resonates, I want to encourage you to consider your own experiences right now. What is uncertainty teaching you?
And if you’d like a safe space for asking these questions and supporting each other and our growth in times of uncertainty, I’d love for you to join my next Enneagram group. Reach out to me to sign up, or check out my next Enneagram introduction to learn more about the Enneagram and get a sense of whether you’d like to work with me.
This week in my inbox, Ruth Schalkhauser Tower of Inner Sky Living shared a reflection on leaving room for alternate positive realities. She reflected on how much energy she and her family put into negotiating a change in situation for her mom, only to find out, after much worry and planning on their part about how she’d take it, that mom was already thrilled about the upcoming change in circumstance.
Can you relate to that? Have you ever started making phone calls or gone on an endless anxiety loop, forecasting potential outcomes from something you are really upset about, only for it to turn out to not really be a big deal at all? Or, in fact, maybe it ended up being the best thing that ever happened to you!
Maybe it was a job you didn’t get, or a job you lost.
Maybe it was the relationship you tried so hard to save, but it was that relationship ending that led you to your current partner, or a career change, or to meeting your best friend.
Maybe not being able to come up with the money to buy the house or start the business or go to the school ended up being a gift in disguise.
I love this concept, and particularly her phrase of “alternate positive realities”. It reminds me of a term we use frequently in my mental fitness work: the sage perspective.
The sage perspective, in essence, says “who knows what is good, or what is bad?” The sage perspective says that if we are open to it, we may actually find that something we perceive as a negative now could be a net positive for us, or it could at least have positives in addition to the negatives. It doesn’t deny the negative consequences of what happened, but it asks us to consider the possibility that there may be positives from it that we may not see yet.
One way that I find makes it easier, at least when I’ve done my mindfulness exercises and gotten myself into my sage, wise part of my mind, to deal with fear and anger and sadness and discomfort from news headlines or other life stuff is to remember that I can hold space for the positive possibilities.
Perhaps this awful thing will cause people to see so-and-so for who they truly are.
Perhaps this will inspire bigger and bolder action that is transformative, positively, in the long run.
Similarly, perhaps this stressful or challenging task I have to do is preparing me to be more resilient and better able to handle future challenges down the line.
When we create space for positive possibilities, we don’t erase hurtful or problematic or even evil behaviors. But we can create space for finding the good. As Mr. Rogers used to say, we can look for the helpers.
P.S. Want to learn more about the sage perspective? Book your saboteur assessment feedback session here.
Photo of an elderly man staring at the sea through bars by Muhahmadhu Areesh
Hi friends. While I am feeling so grateful for the sun entering my room and to be safe and warm on this cool January day, my heart is heavy with the quick pace of horrendous news coming at me and worries about what this will mean for friends, family, and the larger community in the United States and around the world.
(Photo of a gray blue surface of a rock, by Pixabay, who told me this is a hard thing.)
I wanted to share a resource I found helpful today, as well as a new opportunity I’ve created as my own personal contribution.
Robert Reich shared an excellent article yesterday with ten suggestions for what you can do now in the face of all of this.
His top ten includes great detail, but the quick overview is below:
Protect undocumented members of your community
Protect LGBTQ+ members of your community
Help officials in your community Trump or his allies are targeting for violence
Participate in or organize boycotts of companies that are enabling the Trump regime, including X, Tesla, and those advertising on X or Fox News
As you’re able, fund groups litigating against Trump
Spread the truth (and keep doing so!)
Urge those you know to avoid propaganda outlets, and consider helping them to wean themselves off them and find other news sources
Push for progressive members in your community and state
Encourage worker action
Keep the faith – remember what a small win Trump had; never give up
If you’re like me, you may be finding it really hard to stay motivated right now – even completing the mundane tasks of life or work can be really challenging in the face of these potential stressors.
In addition to my weekly Refuel & Renew program (found in my group Crafting Your Life Adventure) and all of my coaching and mental fitness offerings, I’m going to try a new offering, called Together To Do the Hard Things. If this is something you’re interested in but the timing isn’t good, please let me know what times would be better for you. I know it can be much easier to motivate ourselves to do the hard things when we do them together. (Many of our neurodivergent friends have learned this trick – it’s called body doubling!) So if you’d like to have a little accountability and support, whether it’s for paying your bills, or writing your reps or washing the dishes, join me Monday at 6:30 p.m. ET or 7:30 p.m. AT. If it’s popular, I’ll keep offering it. You can keep the screen on or off, and I’ll offer support and coaching to those who’d like it as time and space allow.
I’m looking for more ways to make a difference in the world. If this would be helpful for you or for others you know, please share it with those you care about.
Take care, and I hope to see you soon.
P.S. If you’d like more personalized support in understanding how you get in your own way and in laying out a roadmap to creating a better life, please schedule a Saboteur Assessment Feedback Session.
Crafting The Life You Want: A Practice in Living 