Rossandjamieadventure

SIX SELF-CARE TIPS FOR AN UNCERTAIN WORLD

One yellow flower in foreground, green and other flowers behind it and all in front of a fence.
| jamiefeinberg

What can I write right now? Let me begin with some context.

On January 6th, 2021, as a citizen of the United States, I was completely at a loss as the news showed signs of democracy crumbling with the attack on the capitol. We were living in our 25’ RV outside of Albuquerque. We stayed home as talk of potential violence in other cities was being bandied about. We were grateful for a safe place to be and enough food in the fridge. We felt shock, but we also felt this was somehow predictable, in a way, given the way things had been going in the U.S. up until this point.

Previous to that day, the only experience I’d had like this would have been 9/11, when I was still a senior in high school, though news of the pandemic and George Floyd’s murder and a variety of other events also spring to mind as well. (This obviously reflects my privilege – if I had lived in other cities, had a different skin color etc., I may not have been so insulated from news like this.)

Facing the horrifying news of January 6 led me to write a blog post. In it, I wrote the following:

“I’m honestly at a loss about where to start this post. All of the mindfulness practice in the world can’t change the fact that we’re in the midst of a global pandemic, an American crisis of democracy, and that we’re dealing with the effects of systemic racism, made more plain every day.

On a personal level, I’m finding that calming my mind for yoga or meditation is extremely difficult, walking, while therapeutic, doesn’t solve anything once the walk itself has ended, and talking to friends or family may fan the flames rather than put out the fire.

I’m torn between the desire to veg out on the couch with a movie and the desire to throw all of my energy into work.

If I’m feeling this way, I know you might be too.”

So what did I do with those feelings? I channeled them into self-care tips. I posted some of my top tips for self-care in an uncertain world.

It resonated with many of you. Since then, I’ve learned a lot more tools for handling anxiety, fear, overwhelm, anger, and stress. You may be feeling some of these emotions in light of what’s happening in Israel and Palestine. You may be focused more on Ukraine or on the ways bodily autonomy is being taken away or any of the many, many other problems you are seeing locally and around the world.

Wherever you’re at, please know that you aren’t alone. Here are six ways to practice self-care in times like these.

1 BE PRESENT
Feel your feet on the floor. Take very slow breaths, and focus on your breath going in, holding for a moment, and going back out. If you can’t get any alone time for this, do it on the toilet. Seriously. (I used to do that when I worked a corporate job in a cubicle! Sometimes I’ve heard it can work for a parent or babysitter too.) Wiggle your fingers or your toes. Identify something you feel with each of your senses. Find something of every color in your line of vision. Any grounding technique will get you there. Be here now. Let the thoughts that come to your mind go, and return to concentrating on your breath.

2 SAVOR A HOT BEVERAGE
If you can carve out 5-10 minutes to do this, it’s an easy way to give yourself alone time that is just for you. Each morning, part of my routine includes a cup of tea. You may go with an evening cup, or a cup of coffee, or some hot chocolate. Take the time to feel the warmth of the mug, to smell and taste the beverage. The ritual and experience of this is so satisfying, relatively easy and affordable, easy to include if you have any dietary restrictions, and a moment to indulge yourself.

3 TAKE A WALK
My daily walks have been giving me life for years. They are especially essential to my mental health when the world is, pardon my language, a shitshow. If my body allows, I do everything I can to make my walk happen. I highly recommend taking your walk outside if at all possible for you. Freezing temperatures? Bundle up, and keep it short if you don’t warm up within 10-15 minutes. (Personally, by that time I’m usually feeling a lot warmer.) Go at your own pace. If walking isn’t feasible for you, step outside and feel a breeze. Grab a chair, even if you have to bundle up. And if safety or timing or health etc. keep you from getting outside, my next best recommendation is to make time to look outside, provided that’s safe where you are. Science shows us that looking at nature is calming, Getting outside is calming. (And if you struggle with motivation, walk with a friend or call a friend and do so remotely.)

4 ENJOY A RELAXING BOOK/GAME/SHOW/PODCAST
Back in 2020 I realized that a book of fiction can still be stressful when you’re feeling anxious or on edge – but there are so many options for media, and I’d really encourage you to choose content that makes you feel good or that comforts you right now, at least sometimes, as part of your designated self-care.

Whether it’s listening to a favorite comedian, reading a romance novel, solving a mystery box or returning to a sacred text, or even watching a favorite show, I encourage you to practice self-care that includes some pick-me-ups and distractions. When the world is overwhelming, we can use a break from the news cycle, and if you stick to media that will truly relax and refresh you and consume it mindfully, it can be essential self-care.

5 JOURNAL
I journal each morning, as soon as I get up, as a way of getting the cobwebs out, as outlined in The Artist’s Way. Whatever thoughts and fears are rolling around in my head get recognized immediately, at which point I can let them go, allowing me to go about my day with clarity. I highly recommend it – it’s been my practice for four years now.

6 TAKE A BATH OR SHOWER
One of my favorite forms of self-care is to take a bath. I’ve always found it so relaxing. Focusing on the warm water of a bath or a shower is also a beautiful mindfulness technique.

I don’t currently have a bathtub in my apartment, so I treasure my showers. (And when I occasionally stay at a hotel with a bathtub, it feels like such an indulgence!) If you have the luxury of a bath or shower available to you, it’s a beautiful way to practice self-care.

If you found these tips helpful, you might also want to grab your copy of my free resource, The Four Steps To Your Dream Life Blueprint. And if you’d like me to teach you some of my favorite mindfulness techniques or help you identify the roadblocks keeping you from living a life you love, please choose a time to connect with me.

And I’d love to hear your feedback: What did I miss? Which of these do you find most helpful?

You might also appreciate this article on using frustration as fuel for the future or my spring keynote on crafting your life adventure.

USING HABITS TO IMPROVE YOUR LIFE

| jamiefeinberg

Habits. What are your habits? Do you have a good habit or two that you worked for? Do you have some habits that kind of fell into?

People who know me well tell me that my ability to create healthy habits is actually one of my superpowers! I’ve been thinking about the role of habits in my life. Without habits, I wouldn’t be where I am today.

Back at the start of 2016, after extraordinary frustrations with my health, I decided it was time to take things into my own hands. If doctors couldn’t figure out what was going on with my body, and if I was still exhausted and uncomfortable, it was time to make a change.

I knew that the one area where I was, without a doubt, not maintaining a particularly healthy lifestyle, was my exercise routine. I loved to dance, and I loved to walk, and I even loved yoga, but between financial limitations, a busy schedule, and, I can say with hindsight, some avoidance and resistance to making a commitment, I never seemed to stick to an exercise routine with any regularity.

I knew that for me to become someone who exercised regularly, for the long haul, I would need to make exercising super simple. (After all, nothing else, to date, had worked for more than a few months – even when I’d had a free gym membership provided by my job!)

So in mid-January, I woke up a half hour earlier than usual, and I did yoga poses and stretches for five minutes. I’d told myself that as long as I did something that qualified as exercising or stretching, I would count it.

The next day, I did the same, again for five minutes.

The pattern held. Perhaps five days into the practice, on a weekend, I decided I could afford a longer workout. After all, I was here anyway, and I didn’t have to run out the door.

But I didn’t change the rule for myself. I kept that five minute minimum in place.

With this simple habit in place, I started experimenting. What did it feel like to exercise for seven minutes, or ten minutes? Over time, since I was already showing up and dressed to exercises, I’d exercise for 15 minutes. Soon, a half hour was more of the norm.

I liked this routine. I felt better about myself, knowing I was doing this one thing to prioritize my health. And it set a nice tone for the day.

Eventually, I raised the bar to 15 minutes as my new minimum. And I began waking up even earlier, so that most days, I’d exercise for at least a half hour. I started an exercise program trial (a streaming service) and began experimenting with different workout programs, hoping to find one I liked enough to invest in. After experimenting for a few months, I purchased a favorite one, with strength training, and I purchased better equipment to travel with as I hit the road in an RV. Next, I started a daily walking habit. It stuck. I’ve been doing it ever since, minus a day here or there if I’m sick.

In early December 2020, after realizing I didn’t average 5,000 steps anymore (thanks, pandemic!), I decided I wanted to average at least 5,000 steps daily over the course of a week. With that knowledge and a bit of accountability in our Facebook group, I was there, and then, quite soon, averaging 7,500.

By mid-March of 2021, I was averaging more than 10,000 steps a day! I never would have thought it was possible, but the power of habits made it come to life. I made it easy, by building it on my existing walking habit, and I used a tracker and the accountability of my social media feed and my Facebook group.

Have you ever done this before? Have you successfully established a new habit? It’s something I’ve repeated many times since, and if I ever find myself getting off track, I am able to get myself back in gear.

I created a habit of batch cooking to help me successfully adapt the auto-immune protocol diet and lifestyle back in 2016, even though I was living in an RV (with a tiny kitchen). I used habits to build a morning routine that lit me up in 2018, and over time, I used habit stacking to make it more and more fun and aligned for me. I’ve used habits to develop an evening routine too. (For the record, there’s no shame in putting a chart on a wall if it helps you to meet your goals! Tired Jamie needed visual aids.) And of course, my habit of making healthy eating choices the majority of the time continues to serve me well – established when I was a kid but improved upon many, many times over my life. (And yes, there’s a place for ice cream in a healthy diet, if you tolerate it!)

I talk about habits with my clients too. One of the reasons I do mental fitness work with most of my clients is that if you don’t have a great awareness of and handle on your own triggers and know how to calm the negative thoughts that we all deal with from time to time (and some of daily), it is MUCH harder to implement healthy and productive habits.

For some of my clients, they don’t struggle with habits when they’re required by an outside authority, like a boss or the government, but they do struggle with meeting their own needs. Whatever your challenges are, whether you do well with internal or external expectations (or both), mental fitness helps a LOT!

Are you aware of the habits you have? Which ones serve you, and which habits would you like to get rid of? Are you working on any new habits this year?

Leave a comment and let me know – I’d love to hear any tips and support you in any struggles you’re having.

And if you’d like more support in creating sustainable habits that work for you, let’s hop on a call and discuss the options so you can get clear on your next steps.

Thanks for reading, and have a great week!

P.S. Have you checked out my Four Steps To Your Dream Life blueprint? It’s a great resource and concrete to help you gain clarity and create a life that you love.

P.P.S. Find yourself feeling fearful as you make these changes? You might benefit from my top tips for facing your fear.

This was inspired by an article I published on March 12, 2021.

Using frustration as fuel for the future

| jamiefeinberg

I’ve faced some challenging situations in my career. Early in the pandemic, I’d built a thriving virtual assistant business to fund our travels, and I found myself struggling to create boundaries between my work and my personal life.

One of my clients was particularly disorganized, and I was finding myself feeling stressed – and that stress was carrying over even after I’d set aside my work for the day.

It certainly wasn’t the scenario I had hoped for when I took on this client, but it’s a scenario that many of us know well.

Do you find yourself carrying the stress of your job into your nights and weekends? Perhaps even into your vacation?

Do you find it tough to turn off the worry when you turn off the laptop?

Is it hard for you to devote time to working on your goals and dreams because you’re too stressed about the here and now?

I can certainly relate. I’ve been there. One suggestion for you to try is this: use your frustration as fuel for the future.

When you catch yourself dwelling on anger or frustration, try reframing the situation by saying (out loud, in a journal, or in your head) “I’m so thankful for work that allows me to pay my bills. I’m so thankful for work that allows me to save for my future goals. This situation is helping me to build my future dream life.”

Remember that this frustration is fueling your future in multiple ways:

  • Financially – this money supports you while you dream and scheme and plan, and it may let you save enough for funding future too.
  • Emotionally – this experience is giving you visceral lessons that will stick with you moving forward. You’ll remember this feeling and when you lose momentum or focus on the work of dream life creation, remembering how much you don’t want to experience this again will get you that fire under your butt that’s needed for change. While you’re currently in liminal space, an in-between state that can be very frustrating and generate fear and anxiety, as Suzanne Stabile shares, it’s only in liminal space that we are open to learning new things and can truly experience transformation.

The power of language can’t be overstated here. It can feel incredibly awkward if you’re not used to doing this, and you’ll want to choose a phrase or mantra that feels truthful, authentic to you. But when we regularly make these types of statements, and grow more aware of our word choice, it can have a surprisingly meaningful and beneficial impact on our lives.

Rewriting our stories is truly important for growth. When I rewrite my frustration, instead of the situation being a thing that’s happening to me, feeling myself a victim, I put myself in a position of power.

We have the opportunity to own the choice we are making:

  • I choose to do this job to support my future life.
  • I do this work to feed my family.
  • I’m learning lessons that will help me in the future.

I encourage you to choose a story of empowerment. Choose to use your frustration as future fuel.

Three years ago, I had some go-to tools for managing my own stress – things like breathwork, taking walks in nature, and yoga. And I had a morning routine that served me pretty well.

Since then, I’ve gained additional tools that have been a true game-changer in my life. Using mental fitness techniques I’ve been refining with dedicated practice, I now spend very little time feeling stressed in a typical day. My resting state on most days is actually a state of contentment! And I have the tools to shift my state, quickly and, most days, easily, when I catch myself beginning an anxiety spiral. I love feeling focused and ready to ride the waves of what life hands me. It’s an empowered, confident space to be in, and I love who I have become and who I am becoming.

I’ve also gotten MUCH better at boundary-setting, and when I combine that with personal development and mental fitness work, the result has been that I spend the majority of my time feeling positive emotions like joy, clear-headed focus, confidence, empathy, and more. On days where I previously would have felt stressed, dreading the work ahead and then struggling to leave the stress behind at day’s end, I am feeling inspired, and grateful, and energized.

Making a commitment to work on yourself improves your own life, your relationships with other people, and the world. It begins when you make the decision to own your own power, your own voice, and your own role in the situations you’re in.

So I am curious, and I’d love to hear from you:

Have you been in this situation?

How did you handle it?

How are you rewriting your story today?

And if you’re ready to feel less stress, less fear, less overwhelm and more joy, focus, efficiency, confidence, gratitude…let’s chat. I’d love to help you get some clarity and confidence.

It doesn’t have to be so hard.

It’s time to dream bigger and love life more.

You deserve it, and the world thrives when we embrace who we are meant to be in it.

Note: This article was inspired by one I first wrote and shared on September 11, 2020.

Setting Boundaries For A Childfree Wedding

| jamiefeinberg

It’s that time of year – wedding season! And if you’re childfree, figuring out how to navigate creating a wedding that works for you (will kids be invited? Will people judge your decision not to have kids? Will your wedding be a reflection of your own values, or your family’s, and how do you feel about that?) can be very complicated.

I recently was interviewed by the delightful Paulette Erato for her podcast and Youtube channel, LA VIDA MÁS CHÉVERE. We talk all about my own wedding and the ways I held my boundaries to create the wedding I wanted, without the drama I wanted to avoid. Give it a watch or a listen (it’s only 16 minutes, so it’s pretty quick) and let me know what you think!

Want some support in navigating boundaries in your own life? Let’s hop on a call. I’d love to help you get some clarity and create a road map for how to move forward through the challenges (and joys) in your own life, whether you’re planning a wedding, navigating a transition, getting into the dating world, or building a business.

Listen

Watch

Childfree Weddings: Boundaries Without Drama?!

Book your clarity call

The Two Most Controversial Words In My Bio

| jamiefeinberg

A recent conversation with a friend made me realize it’s time for me to tackle the biggest announcement I’ve made in my business in a long time. Read on for a little context, history, and some vulnerability about where I am and where I’m headed.

When I began working with my first coaching client at the beginning of 2020, I couldn’t have told you what my niche was or who my ideal coaching client was. I knew all of those answers for my virtual assistant (VA) business, of course, since that business had been going strong for a couple of years. But I think it’s fairly common to begin a business like coaching or freelancing or working as a VA and to not actually know, or at least not articulate, who your ideal client is. (And the truth is that sometimes, for some of us we actually have MULTIPLE ideal clients – and while that’s hard to manage as a business owner, it’s the truth for some of us multi-passionate folks!)

This uncertainty or lack of clarity in our marketing tends to happen for two reasons – we’re either living in a scarcity mindset, feeling we need to take every potential offer that comes our way if we want to survive in this business, or we honestly just haven’t done enough work in our chosen field to have made a decision about who we serve best and who we actually want to serve in our work. (And quite often, both of those things are true, to one degree or another!)

But if you know anything about marketing or have ever started your own business or project, you’re probably familiar with the compelling reasons to consider clearly defining your niche. As I began adding mental fitness training and Enneagram work into my business, I had multiple coaches encouraging me to get more specific with my niche so that other people knew who to refer to me and so that I could be a more unique presence, and even a thought leader in the world.

As I looked back at the clients I’d had to date, I started to realize there were a few patterns in who I tended to work with:

  • Women in their late twenties to early fifties (with exceptions occasionally on either end, and the occasional compassionate man or non-binary client in the mix)
  • People with a creative interest, hobby, or business that they’re passionate about
  • Neurodivergence is common (ADHD, highly sensitive, autistic etc.) though they often weren’t aware until adulthood
  • Spiritual or spiritually curious in some way (nearly always)
  • Childfree (meaning they don’t have any children)

The truth is, we get to decide who we want to work with! And it’s never too late to reinvent ourselves. But when I looked at who I’d attracted as clients to date, ALL of them people I’d really enjoyed working with, I realized that there was wisdom to be had there. And while I am truly open to working with ANY client who resonates with who I am, what I believe in, and what I am called to offer the world, I realized that one of my most particular gifts (and privileges) stems from the fact that I am childfree.

When I use the word childfree, it means someone doesn’t have any children. For me, and for many of us in the world, it’s a great neutral term for people who don’t have any children. Just like dairy-free means without dairy, I don’t have any kids.

There are many ways people self-identify. I don’t choose the word childless, because in my experience, I associate that word with those who, for one reason or another, were not or are not able to have children. While I have a lot in common with those people, given my lifestyle, I am personally “childfree by choice”, meaning I’ve had the privilege of choosing a life that does not involve having or raising a child.

So in the category of childfree, I’d personally include both “childless” people as well as “childfree by choice” people. We all have a lot in common, because we’re able to plan our schedules and set our goals without needing to consider any of the complex needs of children in the equation. We may also have other experiences and concerns in common, like worrying about who will care for us as we age, for instance.

So while I don’t personally know the pain of a person who desperately wanted to have children and couldn’t, I have a lot in common with them, and I am able to bond with them and other childfree women in a lot of areas.

What’s controversial about the word childfree? Well, some people have a hard time when I talk about being childfree. Heck, some people have a hard time when anyone talks about being childfree. Just as people get up in arms about critical race theory or or drag story hour, there are a lot of parents and people more generally who take offense when people talk about their childfree life.

Just a quick scroll through social media shows me gems like this:

“So sad when a woman doesn’t have children to call her own. Lonely life.”

The truth is that our society (and most of them around the world) is built on the assumption that we will be parents, and we will raise children. (Incidentally, it also tells us children will fulfill us and make us happy – and that is just as flawed an assumption!) And because we’re not taught to discern the thoughts we’ve internalized and made autopilot that we’ve inherited from our caregivers and society, many of us don’t even question the assumptions that we’ll have children until we’ve already had them – wild to think about, isn’t it?

Learning to question the assumptions our society makes and that we’ve probably inherited about child rearing is one of the steps toward becoming a wiser, more nuanced, more thoughtful version of ourselves. As we do the work to learn to pause and reflect before doing or saying or getting caught in a thought/panic/emotional spiral because of a particular trigger, we learn to live less from our personality, which is made up of the layers of ways we’ve learned to interact with the world, and more from our sage, wise, internal knowing – that being we’ve been ever since we were born, and that intuitive, creative, intelligent soul that we tap into when we’re meditating or otherwise in a state of “flow”.

I’m childfree. I coach childfree women. I also coach people with grown children, and people with children. But since most of the people who are drawn to my work and who reach out to me are childfree, I’m not going to shy away from sharing that part of my life with you. After all, being a traveler and adventurer, creating a life I love, and helping others to do the same, has been a much easier and natural road for me because I am childfree.

If you’re going through a transition, struggling to overcome anxiety or overwhelm, feeling like you “should” be happier but aren’t, or are ready for the next step in life and wanting some help to get clear on your next life or career choices, I’d be honored to speak with you. Even if you don’t have a clue what you’re looking for but this resonates, let’s talk.

And if you know someone, perhaps someone childfree or whose kids have left home, who might enjoy reading this or speaking with me, I’d be honored if you’d connect me with them.

Just grab a spot on my calendar if you’d like a gift from me – an hour of my time where I can help you to gain clarity on what’s next. Zero cost or obligation. Thank you for reading. Let’s connect.

P.S. If you’re childfree, I’d love to hear what resonates from this message. And if you’re not, do you have any more questions for me? Don’t hesitate to share them too.

waiting for your chance?

| jamiefeinberg

Good news if you enjoy a bargain. I decided to offer a few sales. If you’ve been on the fence about working with me or my previous offers weren’t in the budget or quite the right fit, please check out these. (All info in the images is also duplicated below.)

I’d love to support you, and if this resonates with you, sharing helps me to connect with other people who are ready to take their next step. You can reach me at rossandjamieadventure @ gmail.com.

Spring Sale! (expire after the equinox on Monday, 3/20/2023):

One-Off Coaching/Consulting Power Session: Know where you’re headed and want some coaching or consulting on your particular question or situation? This is made for YOU.

Includes pre-session worksheet, 75 minute session, follow-up summary w/ road map and suggestions for next step

Ex. What are the next best steps for me to take in my business? Can you help me to create a schedule that’s more aligned with my values? How can I set some boundaries so that people stop expecting me to do everything? Which of these awesome hobbies/side projects should I pursue as a business?

Regular price $179, sale price $70 (more than 60% off!)

Buy Two Months of Coaching, Get One Month Free: For new 1:1 clients, purchase two months of coaching and/or mental fitness training and receive your third month of coaching free! (I am actually not allowed to promote this discounted price publicly, so message me for a free coaching session and I’ll share all the details with you!) Prefer a group session? Reach out to me for additional savings opportunities.

Free Session & Save: New clients who book their free session with me receive a credit of $200 that can be used toward any regularly priced coaching package before the end of June, 2023.

Enneagram-Curious: Considering working with a practitioner 1:1 to discover your number and learn more about who you are and why you do what you do? Know your number, but want some support figuring out what you can actually DO with that information? I’m offering an introductory price on this new offer of only $50 for an hour of Enneagram training, or only $150 for 4 sessions.

Coaching-Curious Sampler: Intrigued by mental fitness training, coaching, consulting, and the Enneagram? Not sure where to start? This sampler includes four sessions with me where you’ll be introduced to each of these modalities and explore the roles they might play in your personal development. If you’re ready for support in creating a life you love (or in embracing the one you have) but feel some blocks and are craving clarity, this sampler is designed for you. Introductory price: $250

Mastering Mental Fitness in The Messy Middle

| jamiefeinberg

Have you ever heard the term mental fitness? I hadn’t until recently, but now that I have, I’ve realized it’s a beautiful description for the work that I’ve been doing.

I am currently in the midst of some major hustle for my business ventures, taking on new clients, promoting the work I do to support women in figuring out what they truly want and bringing it to life, writing a book, and taking a couple of great courses. I am really busy!

At the same time, I’m taking more time off than I have in a long time. We’ve celebrated our anniversary, my birthday, Ross’ half birthday (yup!), PEI Pride Week, and next we’ll be spending some time with family.

So right now, I am pulling out every trick in the book to work as efficiently and effectively as possible. And in part, that means relying on mental fitness.

Thanks to the program I’m working on getting certified in, I’ve got lots of tools in my toolbox. I’m doing a daily walking meditation as I start my day, but I’m also integrating quick breaks to help me to get focused and make sure I’m in the best headspace possible to address challenges and make decisions.

The painful reality of being in the messy middle of building my business is that most days don’t get wrapped up with a pretty bow, and I rarely complete my to-do list (though I am getting better and better and completing my daily priorities list). Mental fitness is what keeps me in a state of wisdom, gratitude, hope, and making progress. It’s what helps to keep me eager to jump out of bed in the morning and eager to go to sleep at night (and rinse and repeat tomorrow).

What tools are you using to navigate life right now? Do you find yourself getting sabotaged by anxiety or negative voices in your head? Let’s share what we’re doing to keep going.

Mastering your mental health is a muscle. We need to practice flexing those muscles just like we might go for a swim, take a walk, or do a pushup.

Take care, friends. Especially in light of the world. Focus on what’s yours to do today, and tomorrow will get clearer too.

Weird vibes

| jamiefeinberg

So, I’ve been honest here about my recent struggles with anxiety and overwhelm and the work I’ve been doing on myself through the Enneagram, other forms of personal development, therapy, and self-care.

I wanted these past few weeks to be me getting back into the swing of things with my business after a delightful week of fun with my mom here on Prince Edward Island.

I wanted to be focused and on top of it.

And, while I think I’ve done a decent job of meeting my obligations and haven’t (I hope) missed any deadlines, I’ve been giving off vibes.

Weird vibes.

Vibes that confuse the heck out of people.

Can you possibly relate to this, or am I alone? Am I the only person who, in a state of anxiety, finds themselves making their friends and family think they’re getting the death stare when they’re actually getting the deer in headlights/confused as all heck look by someone who’s struggling to keep up?

It’s contributed to some communication challenges recently, for sure. And it’s given me plenty of fodder for therapy sessions.

But I am grateful. I’m grateful for family and friends who’ve done the work alongside me to communicate what they’re feeling, tell me when I’m bothering them, and taking care of themselves in the process.

I’m grateful for a cat who insists on all of the snuggles when I’m in a funk.

I’m grateful for a new therapist who seems like a great fit for me.

And I’m so excited for this season of concerts and my new pilot Enneagram program.

I imagine these weird vibes have something to do with my Enneagram type (I’m a 1) and something to do with all of the stress it can be really hard to avoid putting on myself.

I may not have my anxiety completely under control yet. I may have some weird vibes ahead of me. But I’m thankful for this life I’ve crafted and that you’re a part of it too.

Take care, friends.

P.S. I’m still writing a book. Any interest in getting on my email list in exchange for some previews from it? If so, please comment or reach out.

Five Things The Enneagram Taught Me About Myself

| jamiefeinberg

As I coordinate schedules in hopes of getting my pilot Enneagram group going soon, I’m thinking about how much I’ve learned about the Enneagram since I began studying it about two years back.

The Enneagram is an ancient tool for learning more about yourself and how you relate to other people. Unlike astrology or Human Design, someone doesn’t tell you your type, based on particular facts about yourself, like when you were born. Instead, you study the nine types (traditionally, this is done as an oral tradition, and our group will be watching videos to learn our type), and from that study and through engaging with other people to learn more about it, you can discern which type you are. Knowing your type gives you a path to follow toward a more whole and healthy life. In my case, it’s also made a major difference in my marriage, and it’s helped me to understand my family and friends better too.

Here are the top five things the Enneagram taught me about myself!

I Get Frustrated

Okay, so maybe that seems obvious to you if you know me personally. Or maybe you’re reading this and thinking, don’t we all get frustrated sometimes? But the Enneagram taught me that most of the time, when I don’t know how to put what I’m feeling into words, or when I feel angry, or a lot of other negative emotions, what’s honestly at the root of it all is frustration. And while that frustration is often directed at other people, more often than not, at least if I dig deeper, I will find out that I’m most frustrated with myself.

I Am My Own Worst Critic

Again, this might be obvious to some of you, and to some of you, you may assume everyone is their own worst critic. But as a 1 on the Enneagram, I’ve got a fun little voice in my head that likes to spend all of its time pointing out flaws in the world, but most especially my own flaws. Recognizing and identifying that voice is the first step in some major acceptance of who I am. It’s also helped me to recognize why it is that I get so critical about little things when I am tired or under stress. It’s also given my husband more compassion for me, rather than simply feeling angry or hurt, when I default to wanting things clean or fixed or put away on my schedule (rather than on OUR schedule).

I Verbally Process Things

Before studying the Enneagram, I knew I sometimes verbally processed (thought things through out loud, in conversation). What I hadn’t realized is that verbal processing is the way I like to process everything! One of my favorite tips from podcaster, author, and Enneagram expert Suzanne Stabile has been that I should end each day verbally processing what’s happened with my husband (or a friend, roommate, or even a journal or cat might work in a pinch). It’s something that I’d generally done with my husband, but studying the Enneagram made me aware of how healthy and important this is for me and my mental health.

People Tend To be Past, Present, or Future-Oriented

Before studying the Enneagram, I knew I was very aware of the present moment. I knew that some of my clients and friends struggled with looking ahead to the future or resisted spending time talking about the past, even wanting to put up a wall and avoid revisiting tough experiences.

I now know that each of us either past, present, or future-oriented. I happen to be oriented to the present, and for me, that means I have no problem supporting someone right now, but I can get easily distracted by a present task (or email or question) and lose sight of the bigger picture ahead of me.

I’ve also learned that some people (including a very close family member) are oriented toward the past, which can help explain why it’s tough for them to create goal and find motivation toward the future. Likewise, my more future-minded family members are constantly thinking about what’s next, so much so that it can be hard for them to enjoy the present moment. Of course, there are practices to help with all of this. In our ideal worlds, we’d all find balance between all three, so we can take steps to get there.

Just knowing this is a normal distinction and pattern has really helped me to understand why other people do what they do.

You Aren’t As Special, Or As Normal, As You Think You Are

What do I mean by that, exactly? There are so many pieces of the puzzle when it comes to who we are. In addition to the circumstances I experienced growing up, I am an Enneagram 1, a highly sensitive person (HSP), and an introvert. I’m also the oldest of four children, a white cisgender woman without any children, I grew up fairly well off in the Northeastern United States….

I could go on and on, of course, but the point is, there are tons of factors that come together and make us unique.

At the same time, I can find community, finding a LOT in common, in any of those groups. I might bond with one person who grew up visiting the White Mountains of New Hampshire, find traits in common with fellow introverts or with oldest siblings, or find people who sound an AWFUL lot like me who also identify as Enneagram 1s.

Some of my “weirdest” quirks I have in common with a lot of other people. And knowing that feels vulnerable and also super cool.

If you want to figure out your own Enneagram type, or if you know it, but you’d like to learn more about it and get to know people of other types as well as your own, please reach out to me and join our pilot.

And as always, if you’re looking for support in finding out what you truly want in life, and then figuring out how to make it happen, I’m your woman!

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