Rossandjamieadventure

Keep Celebrating (And Take Care)

| jamiefeinberg

 This past weekend was a real gift for me (and, I venture to say, for my chorus too). I direct an a cappella barbershop chorus, and this past weekend was an extraordinary success for us. Our contest weekends are always joyful, as we are a part of a culture of community rather than competition. We cheer for each chorus and quartet enthusiastically, at the start and after each song. We take classes together, we sing together, we share and have fun together into all hours of the evening. It’s amazing. 

And this past weekend, I got to experience the joy of knowing we did everything we set out to do. And as it turned out this year, that was enough for us to hit all of our goals: to qualify for the international competition, to receive fourth place (and a chance to sing for all of our fellow members after contest at Moonglow), and I received an award as director of the most improved chorus who qualified for the international contest. 

Photo: I hold the Don Regan Award, smiling; our chorus performs (wearing their fourth place ribbons) at Moonglow

I also had the gift of spending time in nature, watching mother ducks and their babies swimming, spotting all sorts of gorgeous birds up close, and just enjoying some serenity – a beautiful contrast with our chorus contest. 

Unfortunately, as I returned home and started to pay more attention to the headlines, I was reminded of how many people are putting their bodies on the line right now, simply by participating in peaceful protest, and of how precarious things are in so much of the world right now. Even journalists are being targeted for simply documenting what’s taking place. 

I wish I had all the answers. I wish I could wave a wand and stop atrocities and create a world that is more equitable and life-giving to everyone. 

But in the meantime, I will encourage you to be present today. Find small joys to be grateful for and savor. Hug a loved one if you can. Enjoy a treat if you can. Share a good conversation, a meal, a dollar or a kindness. 

If you are privileged enough and willing and able to put your physical presence on the line, I thank you for that. If resistance for you looks like making donations or having conversations or even just caring for yourself, I see you too. 

Keep doing what you can. As my chorus reminded me that I said recently, each of us makes a difference. Each person on the risers, or each person in the world, has the opportunity to do their own best or instead choose complacency (or even to do harm). Please believe, and please know, that your actions DO make a difference. To the people you interact with, and to the world as a whole. I truly believe that. 

Take good care. Keep embracing joy. Keep breathing. 

P.S. One way to take care of yourself is practicing good self-care. If you’d like to learn more about yourself in community with others, join my Enneagram program, or set up a time to learn more about mental fitness (which you can study in community or 1:1 in coaching with me). 

Sharing ways to know yourself better & tap into a more authentic, wiser version of you this season

| jamiefeinberg

Photo of me, hair down and smiling, leaning against our RV in 2021. (Head here to be notified when my book on our travels is ready for pre-order!)

Hi friends. It’s my anniversary weekend (yay!), and in spite of that, I’m out of town spending time competing with my chorus and enjoying all of our amazing barbershop friendships too. I hope you have some plans to fill your own cup as well. 

Today, I just wanted to mention a few ways that you can work with me, if you’re ready to take the next step in your own personal development journey. While we can go it alone, there is just some work, even inner work, that is often best done with support from others who have been there. 

#1 Join my Enneagram summer group! 

The Enneagram is my favorite tool for personal development. It helped me to figure out why I am the way I am AND figure how the work I can do to become a healthier, happier version of me. I have SO much more compassion for people due to my Enneagram study, and it’s extraordinarily helpful in relationships of all sorts. 

We use a three month video series created by the wise Enneagram godmother, Suzanne Stabile. We meet weekly to share our own reflections on her teaching, learn from each other, and touch base about our own journeys, goals, and progress. Everyone who has completed this program with me has found it helpful and even transformative. Learn how to join us here. We’ll coordinate schedules based on the participants’ plans for the summer. 

#2 Tackle anxiety, anger, and the negative voices in your head by studying mental fitness with me! 

I use the Positive Intelligence mental fitness platform, and it’s been the best tool I know for teaching me and my clients how to stay present, handle negative emotions, and become a more efficient and effective version of me. If you struggle to stay regulated or grounded, if you need some concrete tools to use when life gets really uncomfortable, you need mental fitness in your life. 

Book a call to learn how the saboteurs are keeping you from living your best life. Learn to get through your day with less stress and more joy. This program is available as individual coaching or in a group format

Wherever you are today, take a moment and breathe. Listen to the sounds around you. Enjoy the outdoors if you can. And give yourself a pat on the back. You’re doing great. It will get better. 

Take care, friends, and thanks for being here. 

Recent articles from me you might enjoy: 

Anxious for the future? Quiet those hyper-vigilant thoughts

Enjoy the sun

10 ways your mind is messing with you

Joy as resistance

Anxious for the future? Quiet and conquer those hyper-vigilant thoughts

| jamiefeinberg

This past week was a beautiful juxtaposition for me. Maybe it was for you too? I had family in town, and I was so privileged to spend time with them, to go out to eat or for a drive and even to a speakeasy, and otherwise to run around playing tourist and share my beautiful local community with my mom and my sister. 

Photo of my sister, my mom, myself and my husband seated on an antique couch at a local speakeasy, Reddins

At the same time that I got to spend time with them, I was aware of the devastating cuts that have passed the House and could potentially pass the Senate of the United States in the guise of a “big beautiful bill” that will actually take away the protections built into our constitution (in irrevocable ways) and steal essential resources, including environmental resources, from the poor and middle class to give tax breaks to the wealthy. 

If I had allowed myself to focus on the potentially horrendous future ahead of us, I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy my time with my family. Thankfully, I’m well-practiced in mental fitness techniques, and even with the extra stressors that can pop up when interacting with family (due to old childhood patterns) or in being in new environments, I felt very equipped to enjoy my time with them. 

So today, I thought I’d explore the saboteur that can often be at play when navigating these challenging times, as well as some ways to combat those thoughts and patterns as they arise, in hopes that it can help you too. 

In the words of Positive Intelligence, “Saboteurs are deeply ingrained patterns of thinking and behavior that limit your potential and hinder your ability to perform at your best. They are internal critics that operate based on fear, self-doubt, and negative self-talk. Saboteur patterns can take various forms, such as the Avoider, the Hyper-Achiever, the Victim, and more. Each Saboteur has a unique way of sabotaging your wellbeing and success.”

Vigilance itself can be a very wise characteristic. Businesses, individuals, families, and other organizations benefit from people with the skill to be paying attention to future possibilities and preparing for them in a wise way. 

But the Hyper-Vigilant Saboteur is perpetually alert, constantly scanning the horizon for any threats and anxious about what can go wrong. The Hyper-Vigilant Saboteur becomes chronically stressed, and by doubting yourself and other people, the saboteur makes sure that you aren’t able to be present, relax, or enjoy the present moment. 

While these saboteurs originated as a way to protect us and keep us safe in childhood, when we overly rely on one type of behavior, it becomes disproportionate and gets in the way of our ability to enjoy life and to be efficient and effective. The Hyper-Vigilant Saboteur can look like the “boy who cried wolf”, getting anxious about EVERY possibility and potentially missing the true, actual dangers that deserve our focus and attention. 

A 24/7 news cycle is built for those of us with a strong Hyper-Vigilant Saboteur. The news media focus on the negative and seize on our fear to keep us watching, reading, and tuning in. This makes us suspicious of other people and question our own safety and our own ability to weather the storm. You may feel skeptical or anxious or even constantly worrying thanks to this saboteur. 

If you find your own anxious thoughts getting in the way of your ability to enjoy your present company, there are a few things you can do to help the situation: 

  1. When you catch the anxious thought patterns repeating themselves, stop and let those negative thoughts go. Recognizing that these are your saboteurs and your saboteurs’ limiting beliefs is the first step. (This is what we study and practice in my mental fitness programs.) 
  2. Take a ten second break to hyper-focus on your senses. This is mindfulness, but with extra focus. Feel the sensation of the wind in your hair or observe the inhale and exhale of your breath. Command your mind to be fully present on the colors or textures in front of you. (I teach some of these techniques when we complete a Saboteur Assessment. Consider joining me!) 

Here are some other ideas for conquering your Hyper-Vigilant Saboteur: 

  • Practice mindfulness – take a walk, meditate, do a body scan, mindfully enjoy a drink or a meal
  • Practice being present and discerning between true threats and the dangers you perceive. Take a breath and pause before deciding how to proceed in each situation
  • Find ways to challenge worst-case scenario thinking: consider alternatives, consider what’s likely,, or even follow your worst-case scenario thinking and then imagine how you’d handle it or how realistic that is
  • Ask a friend, or a coach, or a therapist for support and their perspective
  • Move from worrying and anxious thoughts to taking meaningful and specific actions

Though by adulthood, the neural pathways of our saboteurs are well-worn and well-honed, we can learn to create new neural pathways and build new habits using the wiser part of our mind. We are more than our saboteurs. And the more we do this work, the more joy we can find in the everyday moments, like a meal with those we love. 

Recent articles from me you might enjoy: 

Enjoy the sun

10 ways your mind is messing with you

Joy as resistance

Take a saboteur assessment or learn more about working with me

Tell me when I can pre-order your book!

task ahead seem Impossible? Try smaller steps

| jamiefeinberg

Hi friends. In the face of an increasing number of horrendous headlines, including (as I write this) the news that transgender service members were referred to as “dishonorable” by the Supreme Court and the ban on transgender people serving stands, I am going through waves of emotions. 

But after reading those headlines, I forced myself to walk to the mailbox, and you know what? I felt joy. I felt gratitude. The sun was overhead, it was warm enough for me to walk outside without a coat on, the birds were chirping, and so many beautiful flowers were blooming. 

So in thinking about what to write today, I’m reminded of the progress I’ve made on my book – as well as the realization that I’m still potentially years from seeing it out in the world. 

You know something kind of unique about me? Before I wrote this book, I nearly wrote another book’s first draft. Yes, I have at least ¾ of a memoir about a particular summer of my life in professional theater sitting in the cloud. 

Something that I’ve learned about myself, in my Enneagram and in my mental fitness studies, is that I as amazingly creative as I am, when I take on a really big project, and when I don’t have accountability, and when it’s for me, and not for someone else, I may not finish it. It’s not something I’m proud of. It’s my “shadow side”, as they say. You could also call it my “restless saboteur”, or what it looks like when I am in “low 7” according to the Enneagram. 

Not doing anything with this book is just one of many of these projects. And this will probably blow the minds of some people who know me and can rattle off all the things I’ve accomplished along the way. But I think that for me, when we’re talking about how to take a book from first draft to finished product, there was really a feeling of being daunted by what I didn’t know. Combine that with the realization that this particular book didn’t actually have a clear purpose for me in my career, and I let it sit on a shelf instead of focusing my energy on sorting out next steps. 

But this time, my friends? This time will be different. 

I think I first announced to the world publicly that my book Crafting Our Life Adventure would be published years ago. I even created this sales page so you could sign up to learn when the book is ready. (Still works!)

But you know what? Publishing a book is a giant task. And it’s tough to stay motivated on a giant task when you’ve got several or dozens of other tasks, many of them urgent, demanding your attention. 

You may have heard this advice before: 

“How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” 

Photo of tiles with the letters spelling “try baby steps” by Brett Jordan

And so while last time, I let myself get pulled toward easier and/or more pressing wins than publishing my book, this time is going to be different. 

I started out with the knowledge that I needed to sort out what the steps actually will be for me to publish a book. 

So over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been asking friends and friends of friends for all of their tips.  

After I have all that research “done”, or at least feel MUCH more informed than before, I’ll be using the research to create a checklist or road map for myself, outlining the next pieces of the puzzle and giving me smaller wins that I can celebrate along the way. 

And finally, I will begin taking daily, or at least weekly, steps to realize my vision: to have my book published and out in the world.

This process is actually a process I repeat over and over again in my life. If you want to read it for yourself and reference it in the future, you can. I call it the Four Steps To Your Dream Life Blueprint, and you’ll find it here. I’ve used it throughout my life to accomplish my goals, and I hope it helps you too. 

And it can work for anything, I think. 

But if that’s too much, to look at all four steps toward a big vision, just focus on breaking your task up into smaller pieces. 

Find taking a shower too hard today? Break it up into smaller steps. Gather your towel and toiletries. Gather clean clothes. 

Want to reach out to your rep but not sure what to say when you call? Break it up into smaller steps. Write a list of bullet points to cover, or even write yourself a script. Practice saying it out loud to yourself. 

Know you need to do some batch cooking, but feel overwhelmed? Break it up into smaller steps. Grocery shop with a few meals in mind, or roast some veggies and rice and a protein that will make it easier to make dinner from there. 

So I hope that’s helpful. At minimum, breaking a daunting task into small steps is really useful for me. And if you have the brain space to think about the big picture right now using your wise mind, feel free to grab a copy of the Four Steps and give it a try. 

And if your brain isn’t allowing you to tap into your wiser self right now, I 100% get it. And if you’d like some support in doing so, schedule a Saboteur Assessment with me. I’d love to help you learn to let the sabotaging thoughts, the ones that get in the way of living a life you love, go. 

Take good care. Keep resisting. 

10 Ways Your Mind Is Messing With You (And One Way To Respond) 

| jamiefeinberg

The world is so much right now. That in itself would be more than enough to deal with, don’t you think? But we’ve also got voices in our own heads. And those voices, though they originated from a helpful place, get in the way and stop us from tapping into the wisest parts of ourselves. 

So today, using the language of Positive Intelligence, I’ll explore ten types of saboteurs that might be getting in the way of your life – and while there are MANY ways that we can counteract these habits and voices, I’ll suggest one. 

Photo credit: Adorable donkey in a green field by Peter Jochim

Want a fuller understanding of how saboteurs are getting in the way of YOUR brain and YOUR life? Let’s set a time. 

The Judge

  • The Judge is the universal saboteur. We’ve all got some level of judgment happening in our brain, whether it’s judging ourselves, judging other people, or judging the circumstances we are in. 
  • Some of us have a perpetual inner critic that will never truly quiet down. For others, it comes and goes. 
  • Dealing with anxiety, distress, or suffering? Feel guilt or shame? Do you struggle in relationships with other people? Chances are the judge is at the root of that. 
  • The Judge will tell you it motivates you and you need it or you’ll get lazy and complacent. That’s a lie!

The Avoider

  • Do you find yourself focusing on the positive and avoiding potential conflict at all cost? The avoider wants to avoid difficult things, so the avoider will try to tell you everything’s great. 
  • The lie of the avoider is that it says things will go away if you ignore them. Instead, they often will get bigger and blow up in your face. 
  • The avoider suppresses any anger or resentment – another recipe for problems down the line. 
  • When we deny conflicts or negative circumstances in front of us, the avoider is preventing us from actually doing something about them and making the situation better. 

The Controller

  • The controller wants to deal with anxiety by controlling people and situations around them. 
  • The controller is often a micromanager – incapable of seeing the bigger picture, which might tell us that it’s better to empower people or teach them to handle a situation themselves than always try to do it our way. 
  • The controller gets temporary results, but at a major cost in our relationships and long-term ease, efficiency, and happiness. 

The Hyper-Achiever

  • This common saboteur (especially seen in the corporate world) tells us we can relax, be happy, and stop working when we hit the next milestone. The hyper-achiever won’t let you celebrate for long, or relax, or enjoy the moment you’re in. It’s all about the achievements. 
  • Your self-confidence and self-worth are, according to the hyper-achiever, defined by your achievements. But your wiser self knows you have inherent value, with or without achievements. 
  • The hyper-achiever may avoid trying things unless they know they’ll be successful. 

The Hyper-Rational

  • This saboteur focuses on the rational mind, to the exclusion of emotions, soft skills, and nuisance. 
  • Those with a strong hyper-rational saboteur can be seen as cold, unthinking, and arrogant. 
  • A refusal to acknowledge the role of people’s feelings and emotions can have a severe impact in relationships, whether at work or in your personal life. 

The Hyper-Vigilant

  • Find yourself getting caught in worst-case-scenario thinking? 
  • Are you anxious about the future and what could happen? Struggling to let go of your fears and be present?
  • The hyper-vigilant feels continuous and intense anxiety. This is exhausting and exhausts those around you too. 

The Pleaser

  • The pleaser has learned to put the needs and desires of others first as a way of ensuring their own safety and survival. The pleaser believes this is how they will be loved. 
  • The pleaser doesn’t express their own needs directly – everything is indirect. Meanwhile, they flatter and do for others. In an especially unhealthy place, this can come across as manipulation. 
  • The pleaser can forget their own needs completely (emotional, physical, financial) which can lead to burnout and resentment. Others can also become dependent on them. 

Restless

  • The restless saboteur is impatient. If they don’t see quick wins in a project or situation, rather than wait to see if it pans out later, they’re likely to try something out. This can lead to “shiny object” syndrome and keep them from pursuing and completing more complex projects. 
  • The restless saboteur is always in search of excitement, experiencing FOMO, and easily distracted. 
  • Underneath the surface, they’re escaping from the present to avoid dealing with hard things. 

Stickler

  • The stickler is a perfectionist, and the stickler may struggle to accept the idea that “done is better than perfect”. 
  • The stickler often holds themselves to higher standards than they do other people, though they may also hold others to those high standards. 
  • They tend to have an inner compass telling them how to do things correctly – the problem is that we can’t do everything perfectly. It’s really only a small portion of things that NEED to be perfect. 
  • They try to quiet the judgment of themselves and others through perfecting things. 

Victim

  • The victim uses emotion to get attention and affection for themselves. 
  • They tend to be dramatic and become depressed and fatigued due to what’s really repressed rage. 
  • In their search for attention, it can backfire and actually push people away. 
  • They may not feel seen or understood by others. 

At the root of it all of our saboteurs, no matter what childhood experiences helped shape them and develop them, is fear. And while there are lots of saboteur-specific strategies that we can employ, the best way to face it all is to begin practicing non-judgmental self-awareness. 

If we judge ourselves for when our saboteurs get a hold of us and we fall short of our highest goals, we are reinforcing the habits of our saboteurs – the habits we likely want to lean less heavily on, for our own health and happiness and to be more effective in our work. 

Instead, try practicing non-judgmental self-awareness. If you notice your Victim or your Hyper-Achiever or your Judge, you can try laughing about it, or saying “hello there!” to your saboteurs. You can journal about it or just make a mental note. This practice is the first step to beginning to change our behavior. 

Want some more guidance and more tools for conquering your own habits and saboteurs? I’d love to help. 

Take good care. 

A quick life update 

| jamiefeinberg

Hi, friends. I’m fighting a bad cold right now, so rather than tap into my wisest self for some reflection as I aim to each week, I thought I’d do more of a quick life update. 

Photo: I took a photo of a few early spring flowers peeking up through a garden full of dead leaves

I’m feeling grateful for new clients and an upcoming speaking opportunity. 

I’m also proud of myself that I finally completed my book draft and submitted it to a publisher for a review! I’m expecting that my very rough draft has a long way to go before publication, but I am feeling proud of completing the thing, at least in very rough form, and I look forward to updating you on how you can support me on my book journey in the months and likely years to come. 

It’s been a busy and beautiful spring as always in the arts, with one performance behind me, several to come, and a barbershop competition too in June. I’m exploring new opportunities with friends as well in the coming months. 

It’s weird to highlight personal wins when the world is so challenging right now. Some things I am making noise about are the LGBTQ+ suicide prevention hotline going away in the U.S., the disturbing conversations and plans around autism, and the decisions to remove all regulations related to things like the environment – not to mention taking away funding for things like food inspections. I also read a disturbing article giving an important breakdown about where the trans people in sports outcry has come from. Spoiler alert: it’s not based in fact. 

I continue to be grateful for all the people reporting accurately and for everyone standing up for all of our rights. 

And I am so grateful to be in Canada, living a life that I love and helping others to do the same, wherever they are. Even in very challenging circumstances, we can learn to see what’s possible, conquer our own sabotaging thoughts, and enjoy our journey. 

There are lots of stressors in our lives right now, but staying involved and finding joy keeps me grounded and grateful. I hope you have tools to do the same. And if you want to learn how to get out of your own head and do the same, let’s talk. 

Stay safe. Take care. Keep resisting. 

More signs of progress

| jamiefeinberg

Take a moment and breathe with me, will you? 

Feel yourself wherever you are. Whether you’re standing, sitting, lying down, feel yourself on the surface you’re on. Touch an object (maybe try this device?) and observe the temperature and texture of it. Notice fine details you haven’t noticed before. 

We are still here, friend. Let’s celebrate the little wins. You made it to today. 

Photo of a monarch butterfly on a branch by Erik Karits

As much as there continues to be more horrendous news, I am seeing signs of progress regularly this week in the fight toward defending human rights and preventing more atrocities. Read on for more of the progress I am seeing ( in the United States, predominantly), if that interests you. And if not; go find some joy, and keep breathing! You’ve got this. 

More signs of progress: 

The unelected billionaire seems to be displeasing the Rump – or at least, seems to be leaving the prominent position he’s in. While I don’t trust any of that being simply face value, I am happy for signs of tension in that relationship. Cautiously optimistic, I’d say. 

A great win in the courts in Montana this week for transgender and intersex (and any gender-noncomforming folks who might also be persecuted) folks in Montana. Their extreme bathroom bill was struck down! 

Wisconsin’s election was NOT bought by Elon. His $25 Million could have gone so far, but instead he threw it at a candidate who was resoundingly defeated. 

And while Florida’s election for two house seats was still easily won by Republicans, it was a MUCH lower margin than in November. Progress. 

I’m also hearing more and more horror stories making headlines about visas being revoked. So while it’s disgusting that students and professionals alike are being deported or told to self-deport due to having an opinion the government doesn’t like, I’m heartened by how much people are talking about it and making noise about it to their reps. 

And of course, I have to shout out Cory Booker, who spoke on the floor for more than 25 hours to make “good trouble” and make sure we know and understand that this administration is NOT normal and it’s NOT okay. 

As I walked outside today before writing this, I enjoyed a gorgeous blue sky. I’ve recently booked another speaking gig and gotten myself a new part-time job I am thrilled about in addition to the beautiful mental fitness, coaching and Enneagram work I am privileged to share with the world. 

I hope that whatever your own situation is, you’re finding signs of progress too. And if you have one, please consider sharing it with me! 

Take care, and keep fighting the good fight. And remember, rest is resistance. Find joy. Be love. One step, and one day, at a time. 

Curious about working with me? Want to learn more about what’s keeping you stressed or stuck? Book a saboteur assessment here, or learn more about the Enneagram here.

Finding empathy 

| jamiefeinberg

Are you trying to find empathy for people you don’t agree with, but coming up short. Do you have the spoons to figure out how to go there? Read on. If not, that’s okay. This article isn’t for you, but others will be. This is for folks trying to listen with empathy to friends and family who they don’t agree with, and feeling frustrated about it and wanting to know how they can find some.

Over the past week or so, I’ve seen several posts from people who are frustrated with the polarization happening right now. They spoke of seeing extreme posts from folks on both sides of the aisle, and they wish that instead of sharing divisive posts, people would work to find empathy for the other side, and try to be compassionate in these times. 

Photo credit of a protest crowd with a Free Hugs sign: Sides Imagery

I have a lot of compassion for people who are feeling this way. I know that the polarization is a problem. If we can’t treat each other with respect, how can we move forward as a country? Hateful comments aren’t solving anything. 

But unfortunately, some of these well-meaning people, by making these comments, more or less saying “can’t we all just get along?”, are actually showing that they might be lacking in empathy for the people who are sharing more extreme views. 

So if I’m on the far left, perhaps a trans person or an immigrant or someone doing everything I can to stand up for women and senior citizens etc., I might be feeling extremely fearful right now about the state of the United States or the state of the world. Don’t I deserve compassion for the fact that I share a lot of opinions I agree with? Even if some of them might come off as hateful toward billionaires or even of those who voted our government leaders into power? 

And if I’m on the far right, perhaps someone who sees myself as self-made, or who is fed up with what I see as a bloated government, or with the way the deficit continues to grow, I might be sharing what feels like common-sense opinions or articles. I might be feeling happy that the government is moving in the direction I voted for. Don’t I deserve to have my own opinions and share them, even if some people might not agree with me? 

I’ve found myself frequently wanting to comment on these “can’t we all just get along” posts to share my take on this. I want people to see the perhaps ironic reality that when we get angry at folks on both sides who aren’t willing to be empathetic to others, we’re also showing that we’re struggling to have empathy for people ourselves. (

I mostly refrain from commenting, though, because that in itself could look like I’m showing a lack of empathy for them. 

It’s tricky, isn’t it? 

I’d like to say I’m someone who never shares articles or posts on auto-pilot. I’d like to be someone who always pauses, ponders what’s the best use of my time, and posts only the most important things. 

But that’s not true. I’m a human, and I am imperfect. And it’s especially challenging to always be thoughtful right now.

If you’ve ever caught yourself sharing posts on auto-pilot, reacting to the news automatically or going on a doom scroll, I’ve been there. When we do this, we’re doing so out of fear. Our saboteurs and the judging part of our minds are running the show. 

But if we want to feel empathy or compassion, we can’t do so in that state of mind. The first step is to stop. 

When you recognize you’re acting out of habit, or acting out of fear, or anxiety, or anger, stop. 

Ground yourself. Feel yourself on the floor or a seat. Observe the temperature of your breath as you breathe in and out. Take note of the colors around you. 

Once you’re calm, you’re then able to access the wise part of your mind, which is capable of choosing love. The wise part of you will know whether it’s time to run away, to go do something, to show compassion and connection with someone or find common ground, to speak up, or to explore other options to problem solve through this situation.

This wasn’t always easy for me, to try to step into someone else’s shoes and show them compassion instead of judgment.

But I have had a lot of practice with empathy and compassion. The two best tools I know to cultivate them are mental fitness and the Enneagram. 

Learning to gain control of myself and break my habitual patterns has been a game-changer. The Enneagram is how I first developed an awareness of these patterns, and it’s how I continue to gain understanding of why I do what I do and how I can make a different choice. And my mental fitness work has given me the tools to use right now, in this moment, to regulate myself and more quickly shift into the wise part of myself. 

This is work that I do with my clients weekly, and for myself daily. The more challenges around us, the more news headlines, the more stressors present, the more we’ll need to do this work. 

Sometimes empathy isn’t the tool that’s needed. But if you want to know how to relate to someone, how to understand them, how to have compassion for them, even when they do hateful things? This is how we can get there. 

Not sure where to start? Let’s talk. 

I went deeper on this topic on Facebook this week. I’d like to shift from doing Facebook lives to doing them on Substack (where I can share video, audio, and text), but I need to reach 100 subscribers to do so. If you haven’t yet, I’d appreciate your subscription (no cost necessary!), and you’ll be notified if I go live. 

And if you found this useful, my recent article Knowledge is Power may interest you too. 

I’d love to hear how you’re finding empathy, for yourself and for others, in your own life. 

Sharing signs of progress

| jamiefeinberg

Gosh, it’s been a month of a week, and I have had a few days in particular where it’s been a struggle to keep myself grounded. On one of those days, I was working on some never fun bureaucracy type stuff, and it was triggering panic in my body, in spite of all the mindfulness work I was doing to work through it. I felt alarmed and had a day of important things to do, and as Ross tried to help me as we prepared for an important meeting, I realized if I didn’t get myself under control, I was bound to trigger him and likely have a rage episode.

So what does progress look like? In this case, progress was telling Ross I was going upstairs because I couldn’t get myself under control. There, I ran in place for two minutes to wear myself out. And then I just let my body settle down. As I prepared myself some lunch, I realized it had truly worked, and my body was grounded again. And thank goodness, because when a couple of hours later, I managed to spill water all over the kitchen floor washing dishes, I just laughed for a couple of seconds, grabbed a couple of towels, and cleaned it up. And when those kitchen towels weren’t enough, I headed downstairs for a bath towel, laughingly summarizing for Ross what I’d done in passing as he said he was sorry I had a hard time from the next room.

End of drama. I cleaned up in the kitchen.

Photo by Yana Kangal: https://www.pexels.com/photo/red-poppy-flowers-17868679/

Friends, in the past, this would have had me raging and upsetting my husband, perhaps getting in the way of his ability to show up for our meeting. It would have resulted in me beating other people up and then beating myself up for hours, thanks to the judge in my head.

Instead? It was just a day, friends.

This is what can happen when we take those small, daily steps to instill better habits. I’ve got a mindfulness habit. I do group work using mental fitness and the Enneagram throughout the month. And I’ve cultivated healthy communication and listening with my husband.

There are signs of progress outside of my own life too. I’m especially inspired seeing the media coverage of some of the things ICE is doing (like detaining and basically torturing lawful permanent residents of the United States, citizens of Canada who never violated laws, and many more stories of what those profiled in the media have seen). Knowing that judges are saying no (even if the administration is trying to pretend that doesn’t matter) and that some of the anti-trans laws and actions are being struck down is promising.

Spring is my favorite season, because it is such a sign of progress. We get to see bits and bobs of life springing up from nothing. It’s so exciting and beautiful and encouraging after a long winter.

Wherever you are, whatever you’re facing this week, I hope you can see glimmers of hope. Bits of progress in your own life and in the world.

Want help getting some clarity on what’s going on? You know how to reach me.

Take good care. Keep up the good fight.