ross and jamie

Your fellow Americans and humans need you 

| jamiefeinberg

Hi friends. As usual, I could share so much today, from reminders to rest and breathe and enjoy moments of stillness to applauding you for all you ARE doing, for yourself and for others, in spite of so many opportunities for fear and anxiety and anger. 

But today, for my fellow Americans, I am asking you to make some noise. It should terrify all of us that Marjorie Taylor Greene’s bill criminalizing gender-affirming care for minors (the vast majority of which is actually done on cisgender people, and the vast vast majority of which is NOT surgery, just temporary stuff that delays puberty) has passed the house. 

Photo of a protest and a sign reading “TRANS RIGHTS ARE HUMAN RIGHTS” by Oriel Frankie Ashcroft

We’ve already done so much to take away trans people’s passports that many trans people are now trapped in the United States. We’re literally seeing a replay of the 1930’s playing out again, in so many ways. We can’t say trans in the military and we stripped so many incredible members of the armed forces from their jobs and pensions. I could go on and on and on and on. 

But today? Please, please please, reach out to your reps and tell them that this is a horrendous bill. It would make doctors and parents be criminals just for providing this care, truly life-saving care. Applaud your house members who voted No (yes, there were three Republicans, and some sat out) and express your anger and frustration with those who voted yes (including Democrats Cuellar, Davis, and Gonzalez, and some sat out). Let your senators know that taking away the rights of trans people are NOT why you elected them. Speak up while we can. Before they come for every other minority group, even more than they have already. Immigrants and trans people are just the beginning. 

I know there are so many causes deserving your attention. Please do your part to keep our trans friends and neighbors and family members alive and able to focus on all the other life stuff. And do NOT prosecute people for supporting them in living their lives. 

I anticipate I may take a couple of weeks off from writing for the holidays. While I don’t have major holiday plans, I will be taking time to rest, regroup, and enjoy some time with loved ones. I hope you’re able to do the same, and regardless of your circumstances, that you’re able to find joy and light during this season. 

Keep resisting. 

For mental fitness tips, coaching, or to learn more about how you can work with me and live a life with more joy and free of habits that keep you stuck, come grab your free session with me.

P.S. As I was about to send this, I saw that a second anti-trans bill, this one a Medicaid ban for trans youth, has passed the house. Speak up against this too, please.

Breaking the cycle & taking one step 

| jamiefeinberg

How are you feeling today, friend? If you pause right now and take a few deep breaths with me, I invite you to ask yourself that question. What stands out to you? Are you physically comfortable? Are you present to your body? Are your thoughts racing? Do you feel energized, or depleted, or somewhere in between? 

Photo of a winter scene of a yard and house in the city, with snow, a fence, and sun peeking through trees

As we head into Hanukkah Sunday, are in the midst of Advent, and head toward Solstice and Christmas at a speedy pace, you may be caught up in activities and obligations. 

As we see daily headlines out of a terrifying movie or horrendous chapter of history, there are lots of distractions demanding our attention. 

Whether you’re finding yourself relentlessly busy or attempting to hide from it all, I hear you, and I see you. Today, I wanted to share one technique that can help me when I find myself caught in familiar patterns. For an audio version of this, head to my Substack.

We all have habitual patterns of our personality. These are patterns that we found served as well as children, keeping us safe and comfortable or at least giving us some sense of security and consistency. As we age, these well-honed patterns can become a trap. While they are well-honed, it is possible to break out of the cycle, the pattern, and make a different choice. But it requires a level of awareness of what’s going on and a willingness (and ability) to make a different choice. 

For instance, one of my patterns is that when I start to feel like I am overwhelmed or angry, my default setting is to cope with the scenario by doing. Specifically, I go to the most accessible task – I find that cleaning, especially washing dishes, is a go to, but I may also simply choose the easiest task on my to-do list or even go to scroll a video on my phone. 

The wiser part of my brain isn’t running the show here. Instead, I’m simply stuck in a pattern. 

So what can I do about it? 

The first step is to literally stop. Stop doing. Sometimes this means I literally stop whatever I’m doing and go sit down for an extra reminder that I do truly need to stop. Once I’ve stopped, I take a few deep breaths. You can even do a quick body scan to see where you’re holding onto tension or pain. I notice the physical sensations of where I am and what I’m doing. Notice if I was holding my breath. Notice my posture. Observe where I am in space right now. My body on the floor or whatever surface it is on. Let my extra thoughts go. 

Next, I observe what’s been going on. Am I in a calm or chaotic environment right now? How am I relating to others, and how are they responding to me? Am I myself feeling calm and regulated, or am I defaulting into the patterns of my personality? 

When I am physically present to what’s going on, if it feels accessible, I also have the option to ask my WISE mind why I started doing that task. Was I acting from fear? From anxiety? It can be useful to observe what just happened. But sometimes, asking WHY feels scary. Maybe it’s a very sensitive topic right now. If that’s true for you, just focus on the physical sensations. 

When I do feel I am in my “wise mind” and calmer, present and awake, I can ask myself some questions. You might ask what is yours to do in this situation, in the words of Suzanne Stabile. In the words of Byron Katie, you might ask “what am I believing right now? How does it make me feel? Is it true? Is it really true? Who would I be if I let go of that belief?”. 

And finally, having paused, observed and and done some self-reflection, you’re free to make new choices. Allow and encourage yourself to forgive yourself and try something new. 

Is your wise mind reminding you of a task that’s truly most important now? Do you finally have the clear head to make a call you’ve put off? To take ten minutes and start a dreaded task? Use this calm state to move forward with one thing today. 

There are versions of this process in both my Enneagram work and in my mental fitness work. You may have encountered a similar process elsewhere that works for you. Please let me know how you do this work in your own life. And if you haven’t yet, let me know if you’re going to try it! 

Want some support breaking out of your habitual patterns to feel more joy, create a life you love, and be more YOU? Come grab your free session with me.

permission to pause

| jamiefeinberg

Whether you’re navigating health challenges or life challenges that are more intense or are just in the midst of the more typical year-end, holiday pressures and commitments that usually seem to define this time of year: today I am giving you permission to pause. 

Photo of snowy trees by by Adam Lukac

Want to take a nap, but feeling guilty about everything remaining on your to-do list? This is your permission slip. 

Got an invite to another holiday party, but feeling like you’d rather stay home in your PJs? Skip it. Let them know you’ve got another commitment. (You don’t have to tell them it’s a commitment to your own self-care if you don’t want to.) 

Feeling pressured to make a decision? Let them know you’ll need another day or another week (or whatever time feels right) before you’ll be able to get back to them about it. 

Pause. 

There is so much worthy of our attention, but we are human beings and we have limits, friends. As much as we may try to push them regularly. As much as we may be known as the “busy” person in our circle of friends. 

Your friends and family love you, even if you have to skip a commitment because you’re getting a cold or you need another night to sleep or rest ahead of an important event. 

Permission to pause. Take your permission slip, and use it whenever you need it. It doesn’t expire. 

Does this resonate with you? If so, let a friend who could use the reminder know about it. 
Want some support navigating boundaries and helping you to bring your dreams to life?  Come grab your free session with me.

A grounding practice for winter

| jamiefeinberg

Friends, my head is so in the clouds that I entirely forgot to write a blog post earlier this week. So as I often do, I pondered what I could use support with today, and I think it’s definitely time to move out of my head and into my body. So, I hope this practice is helpful, either as a practice to try on or as inspiration to find your own practices when you need them.

If you’re someone who struggles to meditate, if it’s accessible for you, consider doing some vigorous exercise (at least enough to get your heart rate up) before doing the exercise below. I find that if I’ve already gotten my blood pumping, it’s easier to me to slow down and tap into my wise mind. I have less swirling thoughts that way.Subscribed

Here’s the practice in written form, or you can listen to the meditation as well here.

Begin by stopping. Allow yourself to pay attention to your breath. Observe the inhale and the exhale. Notice the temperature of your breath. Observe the rhythm. In, and out. In and out.

Make a commitment to you, right now. To taking time for you. When intrusive thoughts, or any thoughts, start to pop in, let them go.

Find a quiet place to sit, a comfy position to take, if you haven’t yet. Close your eyes if that feels comfortable for you to do so. Feel the surface beneath you. Observe its texture, and feel the weight of your body on whatever surface it is on.

Feel your limbs, wherever they are. Observe any tension you’re holding onto. Notice the sensations of your body.

Find your toes, if you’ve got some. Give them a wiggle. Notice the muscles that get involved when we wiggle our toes. See how many of them you can find.

Listen to the sounds around you. Notice the close sounds. Notice the far sounds. Notice the sound of your own breath.

Take a moment to give yourself a hug. Feel the physical sensations of touch, weight, and maybe even notice the temperatures you feel.

Relax your limbs. As you breathe in and out, do a quick body scan to notice any tension you’re holding onto, from your head all the way down your torso and into your feet. If you’d like to, breathe into the spots where you feel tension. Observe the sensations that call your attention.

Gently and being careful not to hurt yourself, tighten the muscles of your body, from your head down into your feet. Observe what it feels like to hold those sensations. See what small details you can be present to.

Relax. Relax all the muscles, and notice what differences you feel now that you’ve let go of that extra tension.

If you’re comfortable doing so, this is a beautiful time to choose a positive phrase to repeat a few times, in your head or out loud (which can be even better for grounding purposes). A message like “I am enough” or “I am grateful” or “I am loved” or anything else that resonates for you can work.

When you’re ready, if you have your eyes closed, open them. Focus your attention on an object in front of you, or near you. Notice the details of it – the color, texture, shadows. See if you can observe a detail you haven’t noticed before. No need to analyze it – just allow yourself to take it in with your eyes, with attention.

Find a new object to focus on. Observe its color, its texture. Allow any extra thoughts to float away.

And now, before you return to your regularly scheduled day, allow yourself a moment to observe how you are feeling in this moment. Consider if you’d like to take a pause like this more often in your day.

That’s it, folks. I’d love to hear if you appreciated this today, and whether you’d like more recordings like this one.

To learn more about mental fitness and mindfulness, take a saboteur assessment.

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Take good care. Keep resisting.

A poem for today 

| jamiefeinberg

Today I read news, both positive election results (well done!!!) and the sadness and resignation of friends who are out of options, recognizing they can no longer afford health insurance, which means they can no longer afford to see their doctors, pay for their prescriptions, or maintain any illusion that they have a safety net for the inevitable expenses of health care due to the for-profit nature of medical care in the United States. 

Photo of a sunset over the boardwalk by Jamie Feinberg

People share their best tips for eating on a budget and making due if food stamps are cut or gone. 

Politicians on the wrong side of history pledge to publish people who stood up for themselves and used their power in NYC and elsewhere. 

The United States is no longer just a country living under the threat of daily gun violence in schools and other community gathering places. It is also a country at war with itself, destroying any sense of safety and community and any illusions its children and others had. 

Those who followed the rules aren’t safe. No one is safe, though the lightness of your skin can help. 

I exchange stories with friends who are socking away food for the winter, like squirrels and chipmunks, unsure what the winter has in store or how it will end. 

In one hand, I hold gratitude for my amazing family, friends, and neighbors. I work to stay present to the textures my hands touch, to the warmth of a hug, to the creaminess of the oat milk in my coffee. In the other hand, I work to break free of the inner critic, telling me I am not doing enough, and the sometimes paralyzing anxiety about where we are headed and what could be next. 

I sit here, warm under blankets and a cat who adopted us in Florida ( once a fun and affordable home for our RV, now a place we’re not sure we’ll ever return to again). 

I remember that whatever our own health challenges are, whatever our own financial struggles may be, we are extraordinarily grateful to be in Canada, to be here, right now. 

As you write your own poems, remember the joy. I hope you can find the moments of calm, the moments of love, the moments of beauty. I hope you never give up and that you never give in. 

You are worthy. And I will do what I can to support you. Love your neighbors, friends. 

When mind games are kicking in and you’d like support learningto control your thoughts and stop the self-sabotage, take a saboteur assessment. 

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My favorite Enneagram resources

Spooky Season and Self-Care

| jamiefeinberg

 Well folks, things are getting spooky in the United States right now, and I don’t mean Halloween antics or that the darkness of evening is coming more quickly. I mean, of course, that millions of people are being denied their life-saving SNAP benefits because Republicans would rather starve people and keep a tax cut for billionaires while increasing healthcare premiums exponentially. They won’t even tap into the emergency SNAP funds that exist just for this purpose. And yes, we need to have corporations pay their fair share too, but in the short term, let’s prevent starvation!

Some other news on my mind: 

Trans healthcare for youth may be banned outright. Gay marriage may be relitigated. And no one with brown or black skin is safe from profiling and persecution in Chicago and around the country. 

A wellness influencer with a lapsed medical license and a history of sharing lies about immunizations is nominated as the US Surgeon General, aka “the nation’s doctor”. 

The wannabe dictator gets closer and closer, killing people without proof of cause, preparing to send more troops around the country, destroying the East wing of the White House, and exhibiting more and more behavior showing he’s likely both physically and mentally unwell (likely had a stroke) and his team is hiding it. 

Republicans are afraid to swear in Rep. Grijalva and release the Epstein files. Gaza is once again being destroyed. 

National parks are at risk in the shutdown. More drilling? Nuclear war? Apparently it’s all on the table with this administration. 

What do we do, in the face of all of this? How do we care for ourselves? How do we care for our neighbors? For our planet? 

Here are a few questions I ask myself to help me discern amidst the noise and horror and daily challenges too. Maybe they’ll help you as well. 

Are my basic needs being met? Are the basic needs of my family and friends and neighbors being met? 

  • Do I have an emergency fund, and how long can it last? How precarious a position am I in? How vulnerable are those closest to me? 
  • Consider reaching out for help if you need it. There are organizations and maybe some individuals in your network willing to help. And if you do not need help, consider what steps you can take to support your loved ones, and perhaps your wider circle too. 
  • Prioritizing your own survival is important. Supporting those who turn to you for support or sometimes support you in turn is also important. And consider what ways you can support your neighbors and the larger community, whether it’s helping to connect them with resources or sharing resources of your own. 
  • It can be a wise thing to ask ourselves these questions. But worrying about the future is not helpful when it gets us stuck in thought loops. Instead, do some work to ground yourself when worry or fear is dominating. That’s when you’ll best be able to a) recognize the dangers and b) deal with them. It’s also extremely important to take time to rest. 

Am I remembering to rest? To feed myself? To shower? To find joy? 

  • Working 24 hours a day isn’t sustainable. The sabotaging voices in our heads will tell us that we are only worthy when we “earn” it. They are lying. Your wise mind knows that you are a treasure, just because you are you. Even if other people, even if your religion, even if the government tells you otherwise. You are worthy of love and joy and a safe existence. 
  • Set some breaks in the day – for a walk, for a meal, for a shower or bath. 
  • Treasure your loved ones. Make a call, watch a show together, play a board game, sing a song. We never know how much time we have left. 

Where are my feet? 

  • Take time each day to remember where you are – and to feel it in your body. Feel your feet on the floor or wherever they are. Focus on your breathing. Listen to the sounds around you. Take time to be fully present. 
  • Find yourself getting overwhelmed by the news or anything else? Presence is life-giving. Get present so you can support those who need you. 

What is abundant? What can I share? Who can I support? 

  • It may be counter-intuitive, but we do feel better when we can volunteer or give back in some way. We also know how life-giving gratitude is. Find what you have in abundance, be grateful for it, and consider what you have to share. Your time? Your money? A listening ear? A strong body? What do you have to give, from a place of ease and abundance? And who would benefit from those gifts? 

You are doing great, friend. This world is TOUGH, especially right now, and you are still here. And you are doing the best you can. Keep breathing. Make a choice to care for yourself and your neighbors, as you have capacity. I’m so proud of you for continuing to show up. Even when it’s hard. Even when it’s hard to see how it matters. 

Need some help finding a broader perspective? Want to know you’re not alone? Want to learn how to get the negative voices in your head to calm down and get out of the way so you can get more done, and with ease and joy?

Let’s start with a saboteur assessment. 

Work with me

My favorite Enneagram resources 

Take good care, friend. 

Photo descriptions: I am wearing a flapper feather headpiece for the 1920’s themed Halloween party I lead a singalong for on Halloween. A second is a photo of my husband. We went out for the best Mexican food we’ve had since New Mexico on Saturday, and we are both extremely grateful for each other and for the amazing meals and drinks we were able to enjoy, especially when so many will be going without in the coming weeks unless Republicans fund SNAP. A third photo shows my gorgeously lit grapefruit mocktail (it was amazing) with boba. I hope it doesn’t seem tone deaf to celebrate the joyful moments. I hope you can do the same, whether it’s a night at home or out in the world.

The antidote for anxiety is presence

| jamiefeinberg

Friends, there is so much this week. As I write this, we’re facing a possible shutdown, which feels especially precarious for our transgender and non-binary friends right now. Whatever the situation is as you’re reading this, I’m sure you can name off at least a half dozen other causes for concern. I called my reps this morning, and I’m sure I will continue to in the days to come. 

I’m going to focus though, today, on remembering that the antidote for anxiety is presence. When I’m catching myself in thought spirals about what might happen and what we might need to do about it and how awful this or that could be and what about this, the way out is for me to be fully present to where I am right now. 

This is an absolutely gorgeous time of year on PEI. This past week, I got to spend many days exploring our beautiful province with my mom and my aunt, both up visiting from the United States. Together, we got to smell the flowers and the ocean, listen to the sound of the waves, share lots of hugs, eat lots of tasty meals, and admire all of the beauty here. We even enjoyed happy hour at the Grotto, on a floating dock on the harbor, having a bite and a drink while we admired/were stunned by the three huge cruise ships in port in front of us. 

Whether we were singing together at the singalong I led on Friday night or driving across PEI, with plenty of stops for ice cream and flowers, we were practicing presence. 

Vacation days are a luxury we don’t all have. But can you notice the flowers? Can you observe and enjoy the sensation of your breath moving in and out? 

I hope you can find some time to be present when the world feels like too much. 

If that feels impossible, I have a lot of tools that can help you to do that work and tune in. Let’s start with a saboteur assessment. 

And in the meantime? Enjoy some pretty photos from our adventures this past week. Thanks so much for coming, Mom and Aunt Gail! It was so lovely to have you here. 

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Sign up for a saboteur assessment 

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[Photo descriptions: two stunning blue flowers on a bush at our visit to PEI Preserve Co.’s gardens, Ross, me, my mom, and my Aunt Gail at dinner at the Island Resto, me talking and leading a speakeasy singalong amongst gorgeous antique furnishings, 3 delicious flavors from Holman’s Ice Cream, a loaded baked potato with a side of their homemade chips (apparently at the Potato Museum, we do potato as a side with our potato!), me and my mom posing at the stunning Dunes Gallery, more photos of oranges and pinks at the Dunes, my mom and my aunt pose in the garden, the work of art that was my lunch at their restaurant]

discerning the next right thing

| jamiefeinberg

As I draft this message, I’m sorting through more than a dozen headlines that are truly alarming me. An administration focused on finding a “cause” for autism ignores science and research and makes me feel ill as someone with many loved ones who are autistic. Would it be a bad thing if we found a new treatment to help someone struggling with speech? Not necessarily. But not at the expense of recognizing that autistic people are just as valid as anyone else. Not while we repeat lie after lie after lie.  

Photo by Jamie Feinberg: Flowers of several colors on a bush during a recent walk

If you believe in God, remember that autistic people are also children of God. If you believe each of us has a unique purpose on this planet, that means they have one too. And especially where so many of the people who have changed the world with their innovations and creativity are autistic, it’s bonkers to do anything but acknowledge that as a society, we owe it to autistic people and to all of us to do better in accommodating the unique learning styles, communication styles, and all the things that make them and us who we are. 

We all benefit when we learn to pause before jumping to conclusions and acting on the first hurtful idea that came to us, inevitably driven by our fear. We all benefit when we listen to people who are different from us. We all benefit when we seek to create systems that support all of us in our uniqueness. This is universal design. Automatic buttons on doors help someone in a wheelchair, someone with little children, and someone who has their arms full of books or grocery bags. Clearly labeled directions help us all. Wide entrances and seats accommodate all bodies better. Creative classroom teaching incorporating all learning styles makes for more engaging lessons that will stick for all children, not just the ones who need accommodations we haven’t traditionally offered. 

I am also truly, truly afraid for our trans and non-binary family and friends in the United States. It’s very possible the Supreme Court will heed Trump’s call and issue an “emergency” verdict quickly that will require passport markers that defy reason and will put thousands and thousands of people into significant danger when negotiating travel. If you’re Christian, you know that Jesus truly loved everyone. He’d love you if you were autistic. If you were gay. If you were trans. If you were an adulterer. If you were sick. If you were late to join and follow him. He loved and forgave and saw the humanity and goodness in each of us. 

Seeing multiple lynchings and more school shootings in the news is also horrendous. We cannot pretend that the civil rights movement and the words of MLK didn’t advance our society for the better! No one is any better than anyone else, due to skin color or any other factor. And how so many people mourn for one divisive person while overlooking what a terrifying time it is to be a student or a teacher? 

Now is the time, instead of giving into fear, to take good care of ourselves, doing work to go inward, to keep ourselves in a good place, and to listen to the wisest, best part of ourselves. Who can we stand up for? Who needs our help? (And that may be ourselves!) Take time to get quiet with yourself and listen to your inner wisdom. We need it now more than ever. 

One tool I use frequently when it’s hard to know what the next right thing I should do is would be to tune in to the future version of me. I like to ask an older version of myself, decades in the future, questions like “What matters most here?” or “What’s the most important thing for me to accomplish this week?”. 

If that feels daunting, or laughable, or inauthentic, I have a lot of tools that can help you to do that work and tune in. Let’s start with a saboteur assessment. 

What helps you to discern what’s next when the world is full of challenges in need of attention? 

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Sign up for a saboteur assessment 

My favorite Enneagram resources

Staying Present When Life is Uncomfortable 

| jamiefeinberg

Hi folks. What a week! On a personal level, I had a marvelous long weekend away, getting to see both Melissa Etheridge and the Indigo Girls in concert – what an extraordinary gift! And since then, I’ve been fighting with allergies or a cold – some sort of not COVID nuisance that is so easy for me to get with the changing of the seasons, and yet so uncomfortable. 

As always, when I don’t feel well, my wise mind can recognize that the situation gives me an opportunity to reflect on what matters most and to prioritize my own self-care. 

And then, of course, there’s the larger world. Whether it’s all the signs of the United States giving in to fascism and returning to bold displays of murder (lynching? I hope we are all horrified) or to the larger world condemning Israel’s actions while they continue brazenly, there is so much demanding our attention. 

On a day to day basis, I find that getting present is the way to get through. I focus on the sensations of my feet as I walk across the hallway. I feel the coolness of a breeze or the warmth of my tea in my hand. I listen to the sounds of the birds or of my sweet cat purring. 

Photo: A variety of flowers at the Botanic Garden in Fredericton, NB (photo by Jamie Feinberg)

Even when I am sick; even when the world feels more hopeless each day; even when I have so many reasons for fear or anger or sadness; even in all of this, I have the opportunity to choose presence, to choose love, and to choose to take bold action, whether in the world or in my own self-preservation. 

This is the kind of work I do with my mental fitness clients. It gets easier over time – even when it’s hard. 

Presence keeps us in the here and now. It keeps us from retreating and neglecting our best wisdom about how to proceed. It shows our loved ones we are here and we love them. Even when things are tough. 

How do you stay present when life is uncomfortable? 

Work with me

Sign up for a saboteur assessment 

My favorite Enneagram resources