positive

Creating Space for Positive Possibilities

| jamiefeinberg

This week in my inbox, Ruth Schalkhauser Tower of Inner Sky Living shared a reflection on leaving room for alternate positive realities. She reflected on how much energy she and her family put into negotiating a change in situation for her mom, only to find out, after much worry and planning on their part about how she’d take it, that mom was already thrilled about the upcoming change in circumstance.

Can you relate to that? Have you ever started making phone calls or gone on an endless anxiety loop, forecasting potential outcomes from something you are really upset about, only for it to turn out to not really be a big deal at all? Or, in fact, maybe it ended up being the best thing that ever happened to you!

Maybe it was a job you didn’t get, or a job you lost.

Maybe it was the relationship you tried so hard to save, but it was that relationship ending that led you to your current partner, or a career change, or to meeting your best friend.

Maybe not being able to come up with the money to buy the house or start the business or go to the school ended up being a gift in disguise.

I love this concept, and particularly her phrase of “alternate positive realities”. It reminds me of a term we use frequently in my mental fitness work: the sage perspective.

The sage perspective, in essence, says “who knows what is good, or what is bad?” The sage perspective says that if we are open to it, we may actually find that something we perceive as a negative now could be a net positive for us, or it could at least have positives in addition to the negatives. It doesn’t deny the negative consequences of what happened, but it asks us to consider the possibility that there may be positives from it that we may not see yet.

One way that I find makes it easier, at least when I’ve done my mindfulness exercises and gotten myself into my sage, wise part of my mind, to deal with fear and anger and sadness and discomfort from news headlines or other life stuff is to remember that I can hold space for the positive possibilities.

Perhaps this awful thing will cause people to see so-and-so for who they truly are.

Perhaps this will inspire bigger and bolder action that is transformative, positively, in the long run.

Similarly, perhaps this stressful or challenging task I have to do is preparing me to be more resilient and better able to handle future challenges down the line.

When we create space for positive possibilities, we don’t erase hurtful or problematic or even evil behaviors. But we can create space for finding the good. As Mr. Rogers used to say, we can look for the helpers.

P.S. Want to learn more about the sage perspective? Book your saboteur assessment feedback session here.

Photo of an elderly man staring at the sea through bars by Muhahmadhu Areesh

Musings on a Snowy Day

| jamiefeinberg

I’m looking out the window as the snow comes down, at what looks like quite a vigorous pace, outside. I’m snuggled on my coach, laptop in my lap, cat snuggled under her blanket tent at my feet. I am getting work done in my business, fielding good news, looking forward to an Enneagram meeting where I know I’ll leave a little lighter and a little wiser than before. Life is good.

And yet….

I could just as easily write a different paragraph right now. Something like this:

I’m looking out the window as the snow comes down, at what looks like quite a vigorous pace, outside. I drink water frequently to keep from coughing from this post-viral loveliness that doesn’t want to leave me. The chill in the air and the lack of sunlight is depressing. And I look ahead to a meeting this evening, one I am looking forward to, but dreading the drive outside.

Some of us are extremely in touch with our emotions, but for most of us, I think there’s a spectrum. From those who never stop to consider emotions (theirs or others) to those who have tons of them, easily accessible at all times. I think I’m somewhere in the middle. Though I’m very in touch with how my body is feeling, I have to stop to contemplate where my emotions are at, most of the time, unless I’m just caught up in joy, or in rage (thankfully that one isn’t as frequent as it used to be!).

People can tell you to “think positive”. That’s usually pretty simplistic and dismissive, in my experience.

I prefer to choose joy. I can enjoy the wonder of a snowfall from under a warm blanket, with a snuggly cat. I can focus my attention on the positives I’m experiencing and on moments I am truly looking forward to, rather than focusing my energy on the negatives or on dwelling on potential negative outcomes in an anxiety spiral.

I can fear the unknown in the United States and around the world. Or I can celebrate the positive steps I took to make a difference this week, from sharing advice and lending an ear to reaching out to my senator to ask him to say no to the bill eliminating the Department of Education, and signing a petition against confirming a problematic politician.

I can focus on the uncertainties of self-employment, or rejoice in how freeing it was checking a bank account and seeing passive income from Black Friday purchases of my husband’s Play the Ukulele! course.

There’s no right or wrong here. And it’s so easy to see negative, and to get caught in dualistic thinking. But life is truly both/and. It’s scary and it’s beautiful. There’s love and there’s fear. Where will you focus today?

P.S. I’ve gotten much better at navigating, learning from, and simply recognizing my emotions since I started studying the Enneagram. I shared more about how to work with me, using the Enneagram or otherwise, last week.

Photo credit: Niklas Jeromin