personal growth

New Year, New Who? 

| jamiefeinberg

Two practices helping me right now

This week has been busy, and honestly, this year so far has been too. I’m feeling myself simultaneously caught up in the energy of a new year, all the feelings of possibility (real or imagined) that that entails, while also facing a particular brand of challenge and potential stress that has historically been a major issue for me. 

I have so much to be grateful for, to be clear. In addition to the majority of areas of my life feeling fairly secure and in a beautiful place, I’m well aware of the privileges I have in even being able to make these plans and work on these types of challenges, when so many nearby and around the world are worried about the essentials – am I safe? Do I have a place to sleep tonight? Is there food on the table? Is there a table? Are my loved ones okay?

But as you may relate to, it’s still quite easy to get caught up in your own challenges, even when they’re not as challenging as someone else’s. 

One of the things I’ve been working on this week, because of this particular “challenge” I referred to above, is on two things, as I described in my Enneagram Book Club meeting last night. 

The first thing is that I’m working to keep my attention on all the good stuff, the majority of the time. Focus on gratitude for all the stuff that’s pretty darn awesome in my life and even in the lives of others. I have so much to be grateful for, in so many areas. And while there are times when I get troubling news or am handed a surprise and need to spend some time processing my emotions, most of the time in my day to day, I get to choose where my focus is. And if I choose joy (as I have often spoken of), it’s likely that my day, and the day of those I encounter, will be better because of it. 

The second, complementary thing I am working on right now, is being able to work on the “challenge”, the hard thing, without bringing negative emotions into it. This is something that my Enneagram work helps me with, but I think it’s my mental fitness practice, more than anything, that has me in a great mindset for this. Instead of anxiety about the outcome of what I’m doing, or anger at the situation I am facing, I’m exploring what it feels like to be curious and to just get stuff done. Can I set aside the critical and sabotaging voices in my head when they pop up, and instead return to the next task at hand? Can I marvel at my ability to get things done in a crisis instead of wasting my energy getting upset? Can I trust that the better use of that energy is in the doing? 

Part of this, for me, is that I need to get comfortable being uncomfortable. I don’t like the uncertainty and lack of control I’m feeling about this situation right now. But when I’m honest with myself, I’ve never been a fan of change, and I really like to feel in control. And control is an illusion, my friends. So I’m working on embracing liminality and thanking the universe for a chance to get uncomfortable and learn more. To learn to work productively through discomfort, without adding drama. 

One of the things my mental fitness work has taught me is that the wise part of my brain can be in “go mode”, or exploring options, or creating new solutions, without any negative emotions in the picture. And when I take that approach, what could feel daunting or overwhelming can instead feel more like I’m a little kid on a playground, making a sandcastle or peeking behind a tree or creating a new club for my friends to join. 

So if you’re also in the midst of a big “challenge”, whatever that may be, I want to encourage you. It’s okay to be uncomfortable and in transition. Those spaces offer us beautiful opportunities for growth, if we choose to see them that way. (And it’s okay if it takes time to get there.). 

Though you may not be able to change the situation, consider if a shift in focus, to a wiser part of you, might bring you some peace, or at least help you work more efficiently so you can sooner take a break with some tea or get a hug from a friend.

I’m grateful for mindfulness practices and self-awareness cultivated with the Enneagram that are making all of this feel more attainable.

I’m also grateful for the opportunity of a new year, where we can keep reevaluating who we are and our place in the world. 

Thanks for reading, and have a beautiful week! 

P.S. A great practice for the new year could be to book a Saboteur Assessment to help you shine a light on what’s keeping you from your best work and being your most authentic self. You can also reach out to me to join my next Enneagram study, using Suzanne Stabile’s incredible curriculum, so that you can learn more about yourself in the company of like-minded people. 

Reflect and Recommit

| jamiefeinberg

I’ll be honest. Some years, I feel super inspired to reflect on the year that’s passed and plan ahead with some goals and perhaps a word of the year for the year to come. But this is one of those years where I haven’t really been feeling it. 

I think it’s because I’m tired. I’ve been focusing on resting and healing as much as I can lately after a very busy holiday season wrapped up, with a total of 8 performances (plus countless rehearsals) for various musical organizations I’m a part of in some form. 

While this hasn’t looked like lounging on the couch much, it has seen me organizing my apartment and enjoying the process of decorating or decluttering. And yes, that kind of external work can be healing for my inner mind as well, though I know that isn’t true for every personality out there. 

So here we are, New Year’s Day, and while I had been considering skippingb a post until I felt inspired, last night I felt myself interested in doing some reflection for myself (finally!), and I figured if I’m going to do it for myself, I might as well share some of my process with you. Perhaps it will be the inspiration you have been looking for – and if not, perhaps you’ll find something else useful to take from it. 

For the past many years, nearly seven, I met weekly (or so) with a marvelous group of humans I met in an accountability group online. One of my favorite practices with this group was reflecting on the year that had passed and making plans for the future. 

I’m going to teach about this process live today in my Facebook group, Crafting Your Life Adventure, but if you want to walk through it on your own, here are the highlights: 

  • Using meditation, music, or your other favorite tools, tune into your body and clear your mind to set the table for reflection, without judgment or criticism of yourself. The goal is observation and celebration, and to let the wise part of you drive the bus. 
  • In a journal or another safe and accessible space, list all the things you accomplished this year. Consider all the areas of your life, such as family, friends, career, home, personal goals, hobbies, spirituality, physical health, emotional health, new habits, even media or books consumed. Accomplishments don’t need to be physical, and they don’t need to be “measurable” in the traditional sense. Did you make any new friends? Did you survive another year? Did you do something you were afraid of? It can be helpful to ask a loved one we trust to help us do this with compassion if we struggle to recognize our own value or remember our own accomplishments. 
  • Review any past lists of goals you’d set for this past year, and with gentle observation and no judgment, observe any progress you made toward those goals. If you didn’t get there, what obstacles did you hit? What lessons did you learn along the way? 
  • Consider what you’d like to accomplish in the upcoming year. Sometimes, before I do this step, I dream up where I want to be in five years, or ten years. And that can help me get attuned to steps I want or need to take in the next year to make that happen. 
  • As you dream up your next year of goals, again consider all areas of your life. Make sure you are tuning into YOUR goals, not society’s goals. If you don’t care about losing weight, why would you focus there? If you like renting instead of owning a home, awesome! Choose goals that are meaningful for you, with your own priorities in mind. Again, keeping sight of your goals for the future can help you here. 
  • Consider if there’s a word that will sum up the spirit of the year you’re envisioning for yourself. Past words for me have included “Trust” and “Abundance”. Elizabeth Ryder does a lovely job of explaining how and why we might choose a word for the upcoming year. (And remember, you can always change your mind! It’s just a tool to help you remember your own goals in the busy world we so often get caught up.) 
  • Consider working with a coach or reaching out to a friend for support if you want further clarity or a mirror for your own goals. 
  • Consider finding a friend, coach, or joining a group for accountability in the coming year. (I lead several groups in this vein, and the new year is a great time to find one. Contact me to learn more.)
  • Want to start the new year off on a new foot? Why not schedule a Saboteur Assessment to learn more about what keeps you from your goals to help you feel more joy and become more effective in the new year? 

When you feel complete in this process, find a way to let go of the past year and welcome the new year. It could be with a prayer or intention, a lighting of a candle and blowing it out at completion, or repeating an affirmation. A great thing to do is to end your reflection and goal-setting with gratitude for what was and for the lessons that came from it. 

It’s never too late to do this type of work. Do you have a reflective practice at year end? Do you have goals for the upcoming year? I’d love to hear about it! You can comment or share with me in my Facebook group. 

Congratulations on getting through this year. I’m very proud of you. I hope you are too. Wishing you all the best in the year to come. 

P.S. I still have space for a few more participants interested in learning more about themselves and the patterns of their personality (and how to break free of them) using the Enneagram. Reach out to sign up, or join me for an intro!

Photo credit: photo of an evening with moon, tree, and water reflection by Pixabay.

The Enneagram, COVID, and Me

| jamiefeinberg

What an interesting week this has been! Saturday afternoon, as I chatted with family on the phone and walked by the water in downtown Charlottetown, I received a text from my husband saying he had COVID. Oh joy! 

Given that we live in a two bedroom apartment, I knew there was a decent chance I’d already gotten it, but in case I hadn’t, we began Operation: Isolation in earnest. 

It’s fascinating, going from a fully shared space to masking in “public spaces”, avoiding each other’s presence, and carefully planning use of the kitchen or bathroom. 

The Enneagram, if you aren’t familiar with it, is my favorite tool for understanding personality, myself, and how I relate to other people. I’m a card-carrying Enneagram 1, and part of that means I am in the dependence stance: as a result, I have had to do a ton of boundary work, because my natural instinct is to accommodate other people and ditch my own plans. This is especially true with my husband. 

I began this COVID-venture assuming that it would be really tough for me to keep so much distance from my husband. Especially so because physical touch is so important to me (it’s definitely one of my love languages, if you ascribe to that). 

After a day or so’s transition though, I was pleasantly surprised to see how much I’d gotten used to the new normal. In some ways, it was freeing that I had to do my own thing, and trust my husband to do his. And in fact, I found that being in the midst of “Operation: Avoid COVID” worked really well for my rule-following 1 personality. I’ve been so busy masking and otherwise checking the boxes that I haven’t been nearly as preoccupied worrying about my husband’s needs or desires. 

Fascinating. 

In my mental fitness work, we refer to this as being a curious anthropologist. While my inner critic or judge voice might get judgmental and opinionated about my recent behavior, I’ve found it quite easy to tap into my curiosity and just observe myself and my behavior. 

And that’s something the Enneagram offers me in spades. I have names and a much fuller understanding of why I do what I do then ever before – and as you can see here, I keep learning, week by week and day by day, even more about myself and the world. 

Last night we had an informal get together for the members of our Enneagram Book Club, and it was a wonderful opportunity for community and learning. As I always do, I left feeling more confident about who I am and more aware of the ways I am both different and the same from other people. And I continue to feel gratitude that such wonderful people choose to join my programs and work with me. 

Have you ever had this kind of “curious anthropologist” experience in your own life? What did it show you? 

P.S. There are lots of ways to work with me in the new year! Do a Saboteur Assessment, an Enneagram intro, or just contact me to learn more!

Photo description: box of tissues in the foreground, with a mug of tea and a person with their setup for dealing with being sick in the distance

Photo credit: Cottonbro studio

Healing as Self-Retrieval

| jamiefeinberg

Photo by Pixabay – A field of red flowers

One of my favorite reads this year has been The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture by Gabor Mate. It’s a long book, and I’m still working my way through it, but it’s the most comprehensive acknowledgement I’ve found of the complex factors that make our lives challenging as well as the varied ways, from individual to systemic, that healing is possible for us.

In the book, Mate refers to the concept of healing as a journey toward wholeness:

“It is a direction, not a destination; a line on a map, not a dot. Nor is healing synonymous with self-improvement. Closer to the mark would be to say it is self-retrieval.”

Self-retrieval.

What if we could find ourselves again? What if we could work through the suffering, make some changes, change our perspective, and ultimately return to ourselves?

To the beautiful self we were before the world hardened us, changed us, wounded us?

To the wise, sage being underneath all those layers of personality we put on as self-protection?

To the sweet, kind human obscured by our saboteurs and our sabotaging thoughts?

What would a journey of self-retrieval look like?

Conventional thoughts around healing might make us focus on the physical path toward healing: get some rest, take some medicine, eat some healthy food, get some exercise or movement into our day.

But if we’re on a journey of self-retrieval, that kind of healing would also include our mental and emotional needs. Maybe that’s therapy, spiritual development, coaching or yoga. Maybe it’s art-making or finding joy, fostering meaningful friendships and connections or joining support groups. Maybe it’s an afternoon with tea and a journal, or pounding a pillow, or grieving the loss of a loved one or an opportunity or a career that could have been.

One of my coaches emphasizes the importance of play – finding joy in the things we once did as children, or the things we wish we’d have had the opportunity to do as a kid. So for me, self-retrieval might mean cultivating play: purchasing a jump rope, swinging on a swing, coloring in a coloring book, or dancing around my living room or in a dance studio.

What does healing as self-retrieval mean to you?

My Enneagram teacher, Suzanne Stabile, has a book called The Journey Toward Wholeness. I recently re-read it with a cohort of other students of the Enneagram. The conversations have been revelatory. The Enneagram remains my favorite tool for self-retrieval or healing.

It’s so easy, amidst a busy day and week and life, to stick to the status quo and say no to new opportunities. But as Suzanne says in her book, “Even when there is much to do, we must first guard our souls.” I highly recommend joining an Enneagram cohort (my next one will start in the new year) or, if you know your number, a group like my Enneagram Book Club, to further your own work toward self-retrieval.

Do you agree with Gabor Mate, that healing can be seen as self-retrieval? Does this have any implications for you in your own journey?

If you’re feeling a lot of emotions or going through changes in your life, now might actually be the best time for you to seek a community as you navigate your healing journey. And wherever you are in the journey, I wish you all the best.

Struggling with motivation? just keep showing up

| jamiefeinberg

Photo by Eberhard Grossgasteiger

This has been a week here, friends, and perhaps it has been for you too. I’m grateful for most things being status quo. But I’ve been sick for nearly three weeks now (way better, but still dealing with fatigue and a voice that hasn’t fully returned), and the extra nuisance of all of it has combined to reduce my motivation to 0 most of the time.

If you can relate to this at all, I’m sorry. And here’s what I’m doing, or at least trying to do, when it’s an issue for me.

Consistency is Key

Just as I know building consistency in my business is key, even in the face of illness or a lack of motivation or feeling like the world is on the brink of collapse, I also know that consistency is key in my personal life. Maintaining whatever habits you can reaps mega benefits. Dishes washed today mean less dishes to wash tomorrow. Taking a shower and keeping my weekly family or friend check-in or getting out for a daily walk are habits you’ve probably worked hard to establish. If possible, resist the urge to cancel it all and crawl into a hole. And if you do cancel it once, do everything possible not to cancel a second time.

Find a Safe Space to Vent

Don’t keep the whirling and swirling emotions in the bottle that is your own mind, my friends. Whether a safe space looks like a journal or a chat with a like-minded family member or friend or a talk with a therapist or a group coaching or accountability session, we all need the opportunity to get our feelings out.

Use Your Creativity

This can actually qualify as a way to vent as well. Maybe the way to stop a panic spiral for you will be to paint a messy painting or dance around your living room or write a short story or poem. Maybe it’s coloring or taking out your Legos. Or maybe it’s whipping up a new concoction in the kitchen.

Get Into Your Body

One of the best antidotes for endless thoughts and feelings in your head is to get out of your head (and heart) and into your body. Find a yoga video, or take a local class. Do some polyvagal exercises or do some jumping jacks. Punch your pillow or chase a ball with your pet. Or practice mindfulness exercises to stay present.

Practice Gratitude

Name five things you’re grateful for before bed. Thank a loved one for a kindness, recent or in the past. Count your blessings like you could count sheep before bed. Even when things look bleak, I always have a lot of things I can be grateful for and present to, right now. I hope you do too.

Offer Yourself Grace

More than anything else, whether you do any of these or not, please offer yourself grace. You are doing the best you can right now. And if that comes easily, try offering grace to someone else too. But more than anything, know that you’re really doing the best you can today. And you can celebrate that.

Sending lots of love your way. Hang in there. And I’d love to hear your suggestions too!

P.S. One of the best tools I’ve found to offer grace to myself and others, with a bonus of providing opportunities for venting in tough times, has been my Enneagram work. I’m currently recruiting both Enneagram newbies, ready to learn more about themselves and why they do what they do, as well as those who already know their number who’d like to join my Enneagram Book Club. And if you don’t have a clue what the Enneagram is, I’m offering an intro workshop (free) soon that you can sign up for.

My Six Favorite Books for Motivation and Self-Reflection

| jamiefeinberg

A friend of mine is entering a transition period in her life, and she asked me for suggestions of books for motivation and dealing with change.

I didn’t answer right away, because I wanted to sit with it and revisit my favorites.

By the time I’d created my list, I realized that other people might want these book suggestions too!

Here are six books you might enjoy. Have you read any of them, and if not, which are you inspired to tackle first?

Untamed by Glennon Doyle – Glennon’s book motivated me to get more deliberate about diversifying my social media feeds, a small move that’s led to me learning so much! Her stories share her own journey. Expect lots of self-revelation, humor, with a healthy dose of intersectional feminism and inspiration in the mix. I loved it, and it really resonated with me. She’s been through a lot of change under challenging circumstances, and she gets very real and raw.

The One Thing by Gary W. Keller and Jay Papasan – I’ve read a lot of great self-help books and advice for business, but The One Thing has had more of a lasting impact on my daily and weekly work than most others. The authors will motivate you to get clear about what matters and take deliberate steps with that in mind. Your giant to-do list is SO much less important than knowing the most important item (or perhaps two or three max) on your list for today, and for this week, and for this year. It’s very relevant for entrepreneurs and employees alike, but I’d argue it’s even more important in your personal life!

Present Over Perfect by Shauna Niequist – In all honesty, my advice to my friend was to read this “or anything by Shauna Niequist”. This was the first book I ever read that I felt I could have written myself. I’ve read it three times, and I will keep returning to it, over and over again, because it helps me to reflect, consider what’s most important, and remember my values and current vision for my life. I found it therapeutic and challenging. She navigates changes and surprises as she transitions into a new phase of her life. Her older books are great too, though for where I am now, Present Over Perfect is key. I’ve got her next book pre-ordered and I can’t wait.

The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron – You know, when you were that little kid who’d happily color and explore with other little kids at preschool? If you go back far enough, almost all of us had a time where we created without judgment or expectation. If you take nothing else from this incredible three month journey into getting to know yourself better and rediscovering your inner creative, you should consider “morning pages” and “artist dates”. I continue my morning pages practice daily and love weekly artist dates whenever possible too. Trust me, if you haven’t done this yet, this is a brilliant introduction to self-help or return to creativity (or both).

The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin – This is a newer book for me – I discovered it several months ago and was so impressed with it that I’m incorporating it into my coaching. There are lots of personality tests out there, but this one is both easy to comprehend quickly and also extremely actionable. And if you find it useful, she’s got lots of additional resources (and an app that lets you connect with others about it).

The Road Back To You and The Path Between Us by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile (the latter by just Suzanne) – I’ve been geeking out on Enneagram podcasts lately. If you’re not familiar with the Enneagram, it’s an ancient road map for living, basically. Think personality test, but one where you identify yourself (mainly based on what motivates you) and then can use that knowledge to help you navigate the world and become a healthier, happier version of yourself. I’m learning so much about myself through these books and podcasts that I’m actually recruiting a group of folks to do an Enneagram group program with me – basically, a book club where we’re all doing some self-reflection as we learn about the Enneagram. (I’m actively looking for volunteers, and cost is super low for the materials!)

What are you reading right now? Have you read any of these? Do you want to join my Enneagram cohort, where we watch videos and learn about the Enneagram and discuss it with other people?

I’d love to hear from you – and thanks so much for reading!

Photo by John-Mark Smith on Unsplash

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