healing

Finding empathy 

| jamiefeinberg

Are you trying to find empathy for people you don’t agree with, but coming up short. Do you have the spoons to figure out how to go there? Read on. If not, that’s okay. This article isn’t for you, but others will be. This is for folks trying to listen with empathy to friends and family who they don’t agree with, and feeling frustrated about it and wanting to know how they can find some.

Over the past week or so, I’ve seen several posts from people who are frustrated with the polarization happening right now. They spoke of seeing extreme posts from folks on both sides of the aisle, and they wish that instead of sharing divisive posts, people would work to find empathy for the other side, and try to be compassionate in these times. 

Photo credit of a protest crowd with a Free Hugs sign: Sides Imagery

I have a lot of compassion for people who are feeling this way. I know that the polarization is a problem. If we can’t treat each other with respect, how can we move forward as a country? Hateful comments aren’t solving anything. 

But unfortunately, some of these well-meaning people, by making these comments, more or less saying “can’t we all just get along?”, are actually showing that they might be lacking in empathy for the people who are sharing more extreme views. 

So if I’m on the far left, perhaps a trans person or an immigrant or someone doing everything I can to stand up for women and senior citizens etc., I might be feeling extremely fearful right now about the state of the United States or the state of the world. Don’t I deserve compassion for the fact that I share a lot of opinions I agree with? Even if some of them might come off as hateful toward billionaires or even of those who voted our government leaders into power? 

And if I’m on the far right, perhaps someone who sees myself as self-made, or who is fed up with what I see as a bloated government, or with the way the deficit continues to grow, I might be sharing what feels like common-sense opinions or articles. I might be feeling happy that the government is moving in the direction I voted for. Don’t I deserve to have my own opinions and share them, even if some people might not agree with me? 

I’ve found myself frequently wanting to comment on these “can’t we all just get along” posts to share my take on this. I want people to see the perhaps ironic reality that when we get angry at folks on both sides who aren’t willing to be empathetic to others, we’re also showing that we’re struggling to have empathy for people ourselves. (

I mostly refrain from commenting, though, because that in itself could look like I’m showing a lack of empathy for them. 

It’s tricky, isn’t it? 

I’d like to say I’m someone who never shares articles or posts on auto-pilot. I’d like to be someone who always pauses, ponders what’s the best use of my time, and posts only the most important things. 

But that’s not true. I’m a human, and I am imperfect. And it’s especially challenging to always be thoughtful right now.

If you’ve ever caught yourself sharing posts on auto-pilot, reacting to the news automatically or going on a doom scroll, I’ve been there. When we do this, we’re doing so out of fear. Our saboteurs and the judging part of our minds are running the show. 

But if we want to feel empathy or compassion, we can’t do so in that state of mind. The first step is to stop. 

When you recognize you’re acting out of habit, or acting out of fear, or anxiety, or anger, stop. 

Ground yourself. Feel yourself on the floor or a seat. Observe the temperature of your breath as you breathe in and out. Take note of the colors around you. 

Once you’re calm, you’re then able to access the wise part of your mind, which is capable of choosing love. The wise part of you will know whether it’s time to run away, to go do something, to show compassion and connection with someone or find common ground, to speak up, or to explore other options to problem solve through this situation.

This wasn’t always easy for me, to try to step into someone else’s shoes and show them compassion instead of judgment.

But I have had a lot of practice with empathy and compassion. The two best tools I know to cultivate them are mental fitness and the Enneagram. 

Learning to gain control of myself and break my habitual patterns has been a game-changer. The Enneagram is how I first developed an awareness of these patterns, and it’s how I continue to gain understanding of why I do what I do and how I can make a different choice. And my mental fitness work has given me the tools to use right now, in this moment, to regulate myself and more quickly shift into the wise part of myself. 

This is work that I do with my clients weekly, and for myself daily. The more challenges around us, the more news headlines, the more stressors present, the more we’ll need to do this work. 

Sometimes empathy isn’t the tool that’s needed. But if you want to know how to relate to someone, how to understand them, how to have compassion for them, even when they do hateful things? This is how we can get there. 

Not sure where to start? Let’s talk. 

I went deeper on this topic on Facebook this week. I’d like to shift from doing Facebook lives to doing them on Substack (where I can share video, audio, and text), but I need to reach 100 subscribers to do so. If you haven’t yet, I’d appreciate your subscription (no cost necessary!), and you’ll be notified if I go live. 

And if you found this useful, my recent article Knowledge is Power may interest you too. 

I’d love to hear how you’re finding empathy, for yourself and for others, in your own life. 

Healing as Self-Retrieval

| jamiefeinberg

Photo by Pixabay – A field of red flowers

One of my favorite reads this year has been The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture by Gabor Mate. It’s a long book, and I’m still working my way through it, but it’s the most comprehensive acknowledgement I’ve found of the complex factors that make our lives challenging as well as the varied ways, from individual to systemic, that healing is possible for us.

In the book, Mate refers to the concept of healing as a journey toward wholeness:

“It is a direction, not a destination; a line on a map, not a dot. Nor is healing synonymous with self-improvement. Closer to the mark would be to say it is self-retrieval.”

Self-retrieval.

What if we could find ourselves again? What if we could work through the suffering, make some changes, change our perspective, and ultimately return to ourselves?

To the beautiful self we were before the world hardened us, changed us, wounded us?

To the wise, sage being underneath all those layers of personality we put on as self-protection?

To the sweet, kind human obscured by our saboteurs and our sabotaging thoughts?

What would a journey of self-retrieval look like?

Conventional thoughts around healing might make us focus on the physical path toward healing: get some rest, take some medicine, eat some healthy food, get some exercise or movement into our day.

But if we’re on a journey of self-retrieval, that kind of healing would also include our mental and emotional needs. Maybe that’s therapy, spiritual development, coaching or yoga. Maybe it’s art-making or finding joy, fostering meaningful friendships and connections or joining support groups. Maybe it’s an afternoon with tea and a journal, or pounding a pillow, or grieving the loss of a loved one or an opportunity or a career that could have been.

One of my coaches emphasizes the importance of play – finding joy in the things we once did as children, or the things we wish we’d have had the opportunity to do as a kid. So for me, self-retrieval might mean cultivating play: purchasing a jump rope, swinging on a swing, coloring in a coloring book, or dancing around my living room or in a dance studio.

What does healing as self-retrieval mean to you?

My Enneagram teacher, Suzanne Stabile, has a book called The Journey Toward Wholeness. I recently re-read it with a cohort of other students of the Enneagram. The conversations have been revelatory. The Enneagram remains my favorite tool for self-retrieval or healing.

It’s so easy, amidst a busy day and week and life, to stick to the status quo and say no to new opportunities. But as Suzanne says in her book, “Even when there is much to do, we must first guard our souls.” I highly recommend joining an Enneagram cohort (my next one will start in the new year) or, if you know your number, a group like my Enneagram Book Club, to further your own work toward self-retrieval.

Do you agree with Gabor Mate, that healing can be seen as self-retrieval? Does this have any implications for you in your own journey?

If you’re feeling a lot of emotions or going through changes in your life, now might actually be the best time for you to seek a community as you navigate your healing journey. And wherever you are in the journey, I wish you all the best.