enneagram

Healing as Self-Retrieval

| jamiefeinberg

Photo by Pixabay – A field of red flowers

One of my favorite reads this year has been The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture by Gabor Mate. It’s a long book, and I’m still working my way through it, but it’s the most comprehensive acknowledgement I’ve found of the complex factors that make our lives challenging as well as the varied ways, from individual to systemic, that healing is possible for us.

In the book, Mate refers to the concept of healing as a journey toward wholeness:

“It is a direction, not a destination; a line on a map, not a dot. Nor is healing synonymous with self-improvement. Closer to the mark would be to say it is self-retrieval.”

Self-retrieval.

What if we could find ourselves again? What if we could work through the suffering, make some changes, change our perspective, and ultimately return to ourselves?

To the beautiful self we were before the world hardened us, changed us, wounded us?

To the wise, sage being underneath all those layers of personality we put on as self-protection?

To the sweet, kind human obscured by our saboteurs and our sabotaging thoughts?

What would a journey of self-retrieval look like?

Conventional thoughts around healing might make us focus on the physical path toward healing: get some rest, take some medicine, eat some healthy food, get some exercise or movement into our day.

But if we’re on a journey of self-retrieval, that kind of healing would also include our mental and emotional needs. Maybe that’s therapy, spiritual development, coaching or yoga. Maybe it’s art-making or finding joy, fostering meaningful friendships and connections or joining support groups. Maybe it’s an afternoon with tea and a journal, or pounding a pillow, or grieving the loss of a loved one or an opportunity or a career that could have been.

One of my coaches emphasizes the importance of play – finding joy in the things we once did as children, or the things we wish we’d have had the opportunity to do as a kid. So for me, self-retrieval might mean cultivating play: purchasing a jump rope, swinging on a swing, coloring in a coloring book, or dancing around my living room or in a dance studio.

What does healing as self-retrieval mean to you?

My Enneagram teacher, Suzanne Stabile, has a book called The Journey Toward Wholeness. I recently re-read it with a cohort of other students of the Enneagram. The conversations have been revelatory. The Enneagram remains my favorite tool for self-retrieval or healing.

It’s so easy, amidst a busy day and week and life, to stick to the status quo and say no to new opportunities. But as Suzanne says in her book, “Even when there is much to do, we must first guard our souls.” I highly recommend joining an Enneagram cohort (my next one will start in the new year) or, if you know your number, a group like my Enneagram Book Club, to further your own work toward self-retrieval.

Do you agree with Gabor Mate, that healing can be seen as self-retrieval? Does this have any implications for you in your own journey?

If you’re feeling a lot of emotions or going through changes in your life, now might actually be the best time for you to seek a community as you navigate your healing journey. And wherever you are in the journey, I wish you all the best.

Struggling with motivation? just keep showing up

| jamiefeinberg

Photo by Eberhard Grossgasteiger

This has been a week here, friends, and perhaps it has been for you too. I’m grateful for most things being status quo. But I’ve been sick for nearly three weeks now (way better, but still dealing with fatigue and a voice that hasn’t fully returned), and the extra nuisance of all of it has combined to reduce my motivation to 0 most of the time.

If you can relate to this at all, I’m sorry. And here’s what I’m doing, or at least trying to do, when it’s an issue for me.

Consistency is Key

Just as I know building consistency in my business is key, even in the face of illness or a lack of motivation or feeling like the world is on the brink of collapse, I also know that consistency is key in my personal life. Maintaining whatever habits you can reaps mega benefits. Dishes washed today mean less dishes to wash tomorrow. Taking a shower and keeping my weekly family or friend check-in or getting out for a daily walk are habits you’ve probably worked hard to establish. If possible, resist the urge to cancel it all and crawl into a hole. And if you do cancel it once, do everything possible not to cancel a second time.

Find a Safe Space to Vent

Don’t keep the whirling and swirling emotions in the bottle that is your own mind, my friends. Whether a safe space looks like a journal or a chat with a like-minded family member or friend or a talk with a therapist or a group coaching or accountability session, we all need the opportunity to get our feelings out.

Use Your Creativity

This can actually qualify as a way to vent as well. Maybe the way to stop a panic spiral for you will be to paint a messy painting or dance around your living room or write a short story or poem. Maybe it’s coloring or taking out your Legos. Or maybe it’s whipping up a new concoction in the kitchen.

Get Into Your Body

One of the best antidotes for endless thoughts and feelings in your head is to get out of your head (and heart) and into your body. Find a yoga video, or take a local class. Do some polyvagal exercises or do some jumping jacks. Punch your pillow or chase a ball with your pet. Or practice mindfulness exercises to stay present.

Practice Gratitude

Name five things you’re grateful for before bed. Thank a loved one for a kindness, recent or in the past. Count your blessings like you could count sheep before bed. Even when things look bleak, I always have a lot of things I can be grateful for and present to, right now. I hope you do too.

Offer Yourself Grace

More than anything else, whether you do any of these or not, please offer yourself grace. You are doing the best you can right now. And if that comes easily, try offering grace to someone else too. But more than anything, know that you’re really doing the best you can today. And you can celebrate that.

Sending lots of love your way. Hang in there. And I’d love to hear your suggestions too!

P.S. One of the best tools I’ve found to offer grace to myself and others, with a bonus of providing opportunities for venting in tough times, has been my Enneagram work. I’m currently recruiting both Enneagram newbies, ready to learn more about themselves and why they do what they do, as well as those who already know their number who’d like to join my Enneagram Book Club. And if you don’t have a clue what the Enneagram is, I’m offering an intro workshop (free) soon that you can sign up for.

Can Rage Be Healthy?

| jamiefeinberg

A few weeks back, it was about three p.m., and I’d had a great day. A few physical symptoms I wasn’t loving, but I’d still had a really productive morning: got regular bloodwork taken, took a gorgeous walk along the ocean, went food shopping at the supermarket and the farmer’s market, and I completed several to-dos at home and work.

Pretty awesome, right?

I was feeling accomplished and grateful to have energy for all that.

And then, all of a sudden, a passing thought – I don’t feel quite right. I don’t think my body is regulated right now.

No obvious trigger or anything. Just out of the blue.

Ross and I had just made plans to go take a spontaneous trip maybe a half hour prior, so I readied myself to go and wondered if I should pause for some polyvagal exercises just in case to settle myself.

And then, picking up my phone, I encountered a tech issue. And I immediately went into a rage.

I was PISSED. Physical sensations of tightness and heat and even verging on facial numbness, through my face and chest. Anger seething through my arms, angry thoughts and visceral sensations so oversized for the situation.

Ross was in the room with me, and none of this was directed at him, but after feeling on display and unable to control myself, I just picked myself up and went to bed, where I then pounded my mattress and pillow, made some loud rage noises, and continued the display without an audience.

And the thoughts right behind were along the lines of why is this happening? I wish I could control this! I thought I had the skills to avoid rage now! I’ve done so much Enneagram and mental fitness work…where did this come from?

But after a bit of these unhelpful, frustrated thoughts, I realized there was something I could do: I could accept the situation. I could accept that this is happening right now, and not try to fight it. And when a little after that, thinking I was feeling better, I realized I was still on the edge of rage, I called upon acceptance again.

Radical acceptance is defined as “the ability to accept situations that are outside of your control without judging them, which reduces the suffering they cause” by Verywell. Once we accept the situation as it is, we’re able to accept that we’re having emotions. It helps the different parts of ourselves to feel heard and seen.

I couldn’t change that I was having a tough day where I was easily disregulated. I was using my tools (one of them being to focus on the physical symptoms of rage and anger), and maybe that helped some. But I wasn’t able to stop the symptoms from reoccuring. But I was able to stop the anxiety spiral by focuing on accepting the situation and the fact that I couldn’t control it or change it.

The more practiced I have become at using the tools in my toolbox, the more quickly I’m able to recognize unhealthy thought patterns and old habits, ground myself, and consider making a different choice.

Whether you deal with rage or anxiety or fear or other struggles, you have the opportunity to accept things as they are, each and every moment, if you choose to. And whether you choose to break the pattern or not, please don’t judge yourself. Accept yourself just as you are and let the rest go.

Think you might like a coach to help you cultivate these skills? Let’s talk!

P.S. Our Enneagram Journey group begins next week. This is the intro program where you get to learn about your personality and how to break out of old thought patterns, and you learn about why other people do what they do as well. It’s a fantastic program created by Suzanne Stabile – reach out if you’d like to join us! (All genders are welcome!)

Join me for an enneagram intro next week!

| jamiefeinberg

I love my mornings. And part of my morning practice most days involves contemplative reading of some kind. 

Today while re-reading an Enneagram text I stopped at a quote by Henri Nouwen: “We cannot suffer with the poor when we are unwilling to confront those persons and systems that cause poverty. We cannot set the captives free when we do not want to confront those who carry the keys. We cannot profess our solidarity with those who are oppressed when we are unwilling to confront the oppressor. Compassion without confrontation fades quickly to fruitless sentimental commiseration.” 

I found this to be an important quote to consider. I even challenged my social media connections, asking them “What’s one step you can take today to confront the oppressor?”

My spiritual studies, especially my Enneagram work, has been so life-giving.

I’m excited to have heard from a few of you regarding the next Enneagram group program I’m leading. 

You may be on the fence, unsure of what, exactly, the Enneagram is and why you should be checking it out. Is it a useful tool? An ancient cult? A TikTok trend? 

If you’d like a taste of the Enneagram, in this workshop, you’ll learn more about it as and even get a taste of the different numbers and where you and your personality land. After the workshop, which you’re warmly invited to, I’ll have time to answer any questions you have about the Enneagram or how you can work with me in the future if you’d like to. 

Learning about our personalities and why we do what we do is FUN. It’s also tough to explain the Enneagram in an elevator pitch, but it’s transformed my life as well as the lives of SO many more, so I’ve created this intro as an easy way for you to get a sense of it and whether it’s something you’d like to study further in the future. 

So if you’ve got a little time next week, I’m offering a couple of opportunities to learn more. Or you can learn more about my upcoming program and how to contact me to discuss it and sign up here.

Thanks for reading, and take care!

eliminating soul clutter

| jamiefeinberg

Soul clutter. The cobwebs keeping you from making meaningful connections. The dust hiding your true desires. The distractions and disappointments. It’s both poetic and real.

“How am I regularly getting rid of the soul clutter I no longer need?”

Emily P. Freeman shared this prompt in her book The Next Right Thing, and I LOVED it.

How powerful is that?

What are you holding onto that you can let go of? What stories, what taunts, what hurts, what old patterns aren’t serving you any longer?

As she goes on to say in her book, it’s not that you shouldn’t hold onto anything, but that nothing should have a hold on you.

When we can let go of the stress of extra obligations, when we can declutter and destress and clear the decks, it’s in the stillness that we can hear our inner wisdom.

Clearing space, away from technology, away from the voices of others telling us what is or isn’t right for us, we start to hear that inner knowing. That’s when the wisdom comes. That’s when the answers appear.

Have you carved out any time for stillness or silence this week? When you do, what do you hear?

And if you know this is something that will benefit you, but you’re struggling to do it on your own, I’ve got your back! Reach out to me for a no-obligation conversation as my gift to you, where I can help you to move the needle on what’s keeping you stuck, so you can feel happier, calmer, and more equipped to lean into what only you can do in this world.

I’m also looking for people interested in studying the Enneagram with me. You can either begin your Enneagram journey with me or, if you already know your number, you can join our book club, which meets on Mondays once a month at 4:30 p.m. ET/5:30 p.m. AT. The Enneagram is my favorite tool for understanding our personalities, why we do what we do, and how we can break the cycle. I’d love to share it with you. Contact rossandjamieadventure at gmail.com to learn more. Scholarships may be available for those who qualify.

Wishing you a day and week with joy, wonder, meaning, and the space to do what is uniquely yours to do. Take care.

This article is based on an article I originally shared on December 18, 2020.

Using frustration as fuel for the future

| jamiefeinberg

I’ve faced some challenging situations in my career. Early in the pandemic, I’d built a thriving virtual assistant business to fund our travels, and I found myself struggling to create boundaries between my work and my personal life.

One of my clients was particularly disorganized, and I was finding myself feeling stressed – and that stress was carrying over even after I’d set aside my work for the day.

It certainly wasn’t the scenario I had hoped for when I took on this client, but it’s a scenario that many of us know well.

Do you find yourself carrying the stress of your job into your nights and weekends? Perhaps even into your vacation?

Do you find it tough to turn off the worry when you turn off the laptop?

Is it hard for you to devote time to working on your goals and dreams because you’re too stressed about the here and now?

I can certainly relate. I’ve been there. One suggestion for you to try is this: use your frustration as fuel for the future.

When you catch yourself dwelling on anger or frustration, try reframing the situation by saying (out loud, in a journal, or in your head) “I’m so thankful for work that allows me to pay my bills. I’m so thankful for work that allows me to save for my future goals. This situation is helping me to build my future dream life.”

Remember that this frustration is fueling your future in multiple ways:

  • Financially – this money supports you while you dream and scheme and plan, and it may let you save enough for funding future too.
  • Emotionally – this experience is giving you visceral lessons that will stick with you moving forward. You’ll remember this feeling and when you lose momentum or focus on the work of dream life creation, remembering how much you don’t want to experience this again will get you that fire under your butt that’s needed for change. While you’re currently in liminal space, an in-between state that can be very frustrating and generate fear and anxiety, as Suzanne Stabile shares, it’s only in liminal space that we are open to learning new things and can truly experience transformation.

The power of language can’t be overstated here. It can feel incredibly awkward if you’re not used to doing this, and you’ll want to choose a phrase or mantra that feels truthful, authentic to you. But when we regularly make these types of statements, and grow more aware of our word choice, it can have a surprisingly meaningful and beneficial impact on our lives.

Rewriting our stories is truly important for growth. When I rewrite my frustration, instead of the situation being a thing that’s happening to me, feeling myself a victim, I put myself in a position of power.

We have the opportunity to own the choice we are making:

  • I choose to do this job to support my future life.
  • I do this work to feed my family.
  • I’m learning lessons that will help me in the future.

I encourage you to choose a story of empowerment. Choose to use your frustration as future fuel.

Three years ago, I had some go-to tools for managing my own stress – things like breathwork, taking walks in nature, and yoga. And I had a morning routine that served me pretty well.

Since then, I’ve gained additional tools that have been a true game-changer in my life. Using mental fitness techniques I’ve been refining with dedicated practice, I now spend very little time feeling stressed in a typical day. My resting state on most days is actually a state of contentment! And I have the tools to shift my state, quickly and, most days, easily, when I catch myself beginning an anxiety spiral. I love feeling focused and ready to ride the waves of what life hands me. It’s an empowered, confident space to be in, and I love who I have become and who I am becoming.

I’ve also gotten MUCH better at boundary-setting, and when I combine that with personal development and mental fitness work, the result has been that I spend the majority of my time feeling positive emotions like joy, clear-headed focus, confidence, empathy, and more. On days where I previously would have felt stressed, dreading the work ahead and then struggling to leave the stress behind at day’s end, I am feeling inspired, and grateful, and energized.

Making a commitment to work on yourself improves your own life, your relationships with other people, and the world. It begins when you make the decision to own your own power, your own voice, and your own role in the situations you’re in.

So I am curious, and I’d love to hear from you:

Have you been in this situation?

How did you handle it?

How are you rewriting your story today?

And if you’re ready to feel less stress, less fear, less overwhelm and more joy, focus, efficiency, confidence, gratitude…let’s chat. I’d love to help you get some clarity and confidence.

It doesn’t have to be so hard.

It’s time to dream bigger and love life more.

You deserve it, and the world thrives when we embrace who we are meant to be in it.

Note: This article was inspired by one I first wrote and shared on September 11, 2020.

The Two Most Controversial Words In My Bio

| jamiefeinberg

A recent conversation with a friend made me realize it’s time for me to tackle the biggest announcement I’ve made in my business in a long time. Read on for a little context, history, and some vulnerability about where I am and where I’m headed.

When I began working with my first coaching client at the beginning of 2020, I couldn’t have told you what my niche was or who my ideal coaching client was. I knew all of those answers for my virtual assistant (VA) business, of course, since that business had been going strong for a couple of years. But I think it’s fairly common to begin a business like coaching or freelancing or working as a VA and to not actually know, or at least not articulate, who your ideal client is. (And the truth is that sometimes, for some of us we actually have MULTIPLE ideal clients – and while that’s hard to manage as a business owner, it’s the truth for some of us multi-passionate folks!)

This uncertainty or lack of clarity in our marketing tends to happen for two reasons – we’re either living in a scarcity mindset, feeling we need to take every potential offer that comes our way if we want to survive in this business, or we honestly just haven’t done enough work in our chosen field to have made a decision about who we serve best and who we actually want to serve in our work. (And quite often, both of those things are true, to one degree or another!)

But if you know anything about marketing or have ever started your own business or project, you’re probably familiar with the compelling reasons to consider clearly defining your niche. As I began adding mental fitness training and Enneagram work into my business, I had multiple coaches encouraging me to get more specific with my niche so that other people knew who to refer to me and so that I could be a more unique presence, and even a thought leader in the world.

As I looked back at the clients I’d had to date, I started to realize there were a few patterns in who I tended to work with:

  • Women in their late twenties to early fifties (with exceptions occasionally on either end, and the occasional compassionate man or non-binary client in the mix)
  • People with a creative interest, hobby, or business that they’re passionate about
  • Neurodivergence is common (ADHD, highly sensitive, autistic etc.) though they often weren’t aware until adulthood
  • Spiritual or spiritually curious in some way (nearly always)
  • Childfree (meaning they don’t have any children)

The truth is, we get to decide who we want to work with! And it’s never too late to reinvent ourselves. But when I looked at who I’d attracted as clients to date, ALL of them people I’d really enjoyed working with, I realized that there was wisdom to be had there. And while I am truly open to working with ANY client who resonates with who I am, what I believe in, and what I am called to offer the world, I realized that one of my most particular gifts (and privileges) stems from the fact that I am childfree.

When I use the word childfree, it means someone doesn’t have any children. For me, and for many of us in the world, it’s a great neutral term for people who don’t have any children. Just like dairy-free means without dairy, I don’t have any kids.

There are many ways people self-identify. I don’t choose the word childless, because in my experience, I associate that word with those who, for one reason or another, were not or are not able to have children. While I have a lot in common with those people, given my lifestyle, I am personally “childfree by choice”, meaning I’ve had the privilege of choosing a life that does not involve having or raising a child.

So in the category of childfree, I’d personally include both “childless” people as well as “childfree by choice” people. We all have a lot in common, because we’re able to plan our schedules and set our goals without needing to consider any of the complex needs of children in the equation. We may also have other experiences and concerns in common, like worrying about who will care for us as we age, for instance.

So while I don’t personally know the pain of a person who desperately wanted to have children and couldn’t, I have a lot in common with them, and I am able to bond with them and other childfree women in a lot of areas.

What’s controversial about the word childfree? Well, some people have a hard time when I talk about being childfree. Heck, some people have a hard time when anyone talks about being childfree. Just as people get up in arms about critical race theory or or drag story hour, there are a lot of parents and people more generally who take offense when people talk about their childfree life.

Just a quick scroll through social media shows me gems like this:

“So sad when a woman doesn’t have children to call her own. Lonely life.”

The truth is that our society (and most of them around the world) is built on the assumption that we will be parents, and we will raise children. (Incidentally, it also tells us children will fulfill us and make us happy – and that is just as flawed an assumption!) And because we’re not taught to discern the thoughts we’ve internalized and made autopilot that we’ve inherited from our caregivers and society, many of us don’t even question the assumptions that we’ll have children until we’ve already had them – wild to think about, isn’t it?

Learning to question the assumptions our society makes and that we’ve probably inherited about child rearing is one of the steps toward becoming a wiser, more nuanced, more thoughtful version of ourselves. As we do the work to learn to pause and reflect before doing or saying or getting caught in a thought/panic/emotional spiral because of a particular trigger, we learn to live less from our personality, which is made up of the layers of ways we’ve learned to interact with the world, and more from our sage, wise, internal knowing – that being we’ve been ever since we were born, and that intuitive, creative, intelligent soul that we tap into when we’re meditating or otherwise in a state of “flow”.

I’m childfree. I coach childfree women. I also coach people with grown children, and people with children. But since most of the people who are drawn to my work and who reach out to me are childfree, I’m not going to shy away from sharing that part of my life with you. After all, being a traveler and adventurer, creating a life I love, and helping others to do the same, has been a much easier and natural road for me because I am childfree.

If you’re going through a transition, struggling to overcome anxiety or overwhelm, feeling like you “should” be happier but aren’t, or are ready for the next step in life and wanting some help to get clear on your next life or career choices, I’d be honored to speak with you. Even if you don’t have a clue what you’re looking for but this resonates, let’s talk.

And if you know someone, perhaps someone childfree or whose kids have left home, who might enjoy reading this or speaking with me, I’d be honored if you’d connect me with them.

Just grab a spot on my calendar if you’d like a gift from me – an hour of my time where I can help you to gain clarity on what’s next. Zero cost or obligation. Thank you for reading. Let’s connect.

P.S. If you’re childfree, I’d love to hear what resonates from this message. And if you’re not, do you have any more questions for me? Don’t hesitate to share them too.

waiting for your chance?

| jamiefeinberg

Good news if you enjoy a bargain. I decided to offer a few sales. If you’ve been on the fence about working with me or my previous offers weren’t in the budget or quite the right fit, please check out these. (All info in the images is also duplicated below.)

I’d love to support you, and if this resonates with you, sharing helps me to connect with other people who are ready to take their next step. You can reach me at rossandjamieadventure @ gmail.com.

Spring Sale! (expire after the equinox on Monday, 3/20/2023):

One-Off Coaching/Consulting Power Session: Know where you’re headed and want some coaching or consulting on your particular question or situation? This is made for YOU.

Includes pre-session worksheet, 75 minute session, follow-up summary w/ road map and suggestions for next step

Ex. What are the next best steps for me to take in my business? Can you help me to create a schedule that’s more aligned with my values? How can I set some boundaries so that people stop expecting me to do everything? Which of these awesome hobbies/side projects should I pursue as a business?

Regular price $179, sale price $70 (more than 60% off!)

Buy Two Months of Coaching, Get One Month Free: For new 1:1 clients, purchase two months of coaching and/or mental fitness training and receive your third month of coaching free! (I am actually not allowed to promote this discounted price publicly, so message me for a free coaching session and I’ll share all the details with you!) Prefer a group session? Reach out to me for additional savings opportunities.

Free Session & Save: New clients who book their free session with me receive a credit of $200 that can be used toward any regularly priced coaching package before the end of June, 2023.

Enneagram-Curious: Considering working with a practitioner 1:1 to discover your number and learn more about who you are and why you do what you do? Know your number, but want some support figuring out what you can actually DO with that information? I’m offering an introductory price on this new offer of only $50 for an hour of Enneagram training, or only $150 for 4 sessions.

Coaching-Curious Sampler: Intrigued by mental fitness training, coaching, consulting, and the Enneagram? Not sure where to start? This sampler includes four sessions with me where you’ll be introduced to each of these modalities and explore the roles they might play in your personal development. If you’re ready for support in creating a life you love (or in embracing the one you have) but feel some blocks and are craving clarity, this sampler is designed for you. Introductory price: $250

Sometimes, All It Takes is a Nightstand

| jamiefeinberg

I was half asleep on Monday, January 24th when I reached over to grab my eye mask and realized it was soaking wet in my hands. All of a sudden, my brain went to work. It computed that, in fact, the whole nightstand was wet.

(The portable humidifier had been on it. In that moment, I realized that the humidifier had leaked water everywhere, soaking everything from tissues to eye masks in its path.)

I had a brief thought about beginning to clean it up, which I knew would wake me up completely and make it hard for me to get a good night’s sleep. But then, instead, I called out to Ross, calmly and with complete control.

“Hi Ross! Do you have the spoons to come help me with something?”

Previous to my Enneagram and mental fitness work, I would have asked that question as if it was an absolute emergency. In fact, it wouldn’t have been a question at all. “Ross, come here!” I would have yelled across the apartment. “There’s a mess, and I need help!” Cue flashbacks to”‘the time I knocked an entire bowl of Chex Mix on the floor” and “the time I realized my cat had fleas”, among other memorable moments.

But this time, I recognized that it wasn’t actually an emergency. This situation was relatively stable. There was no need to introduce more stress and drama into the equation.

Ross came in, cracking some cute joke or comment about spoons. I calmly explained to him what had happened, in a very matter-of-fact way. Instead of asking him to completely handle it, I asked him if he’d go get a garbage can. Then, in my half sleepy state, I took him through solving the situation, one step at a time. I did used my handy problem-solving skills, which I excel at, apparently even when half-awake, so that I could avoid Ross feeling overwhelmed, as I know he would have navigating it solo. (You can learn a lot after 13 years of dating or marriage!) I never got out of bed this entire time. I heard myself saying things like, “Can you please go hang this somewhere?” or “Can you please go get a towel?”.

I trusted him to take care of it. I let go of the need for it to be done a certain way. And somehow, when it was done, I just went to sleep. (Yes, I went to sleep! No panic, no racing thoughts, no getting out of bed to see where he hung things…I just went to sleep.)

A good friend and member of one of my Enneagram groups asked me what was different about this time, and I shared that it was a few things.

The main difference is that there was a space before doing. Old me would have IMMEDIATELY started handling the clean up, before I even stopped to think about how I wanted it done, or what should be done, or if it was mine to do or I could ask for help or if I should wait or gather some things first. As I did the cleanup, I would have felt feelings of frustration and anger, and I would have resented doing it solo…and by the time I would have asked Ross to help me, I would have been resentful that I had to ask or that he hadn’t helped me yet.

Ross would have come into the room with his guard up, and his stressful vibes would have fed on mine and caused a “saboteur contagion”, as we call it, with him struggling so much with my energy that he a) probably wouldn’t have finished helping me before giving up and leaving the room, upset and b) whether he finished it or not, he’d have ended up a complete wreck by the end, and then I’d be upset he was upset and I’d be unable to let it go (or sleep).

Instead, there was a space. A breath. A pause as I processed what happened and held off acting for a second. Instead of acting on autopilot, going to darker and depressing parts of my mind, I had the space to breathe and ask for help, calmly and without needing things to be done a particular way. It just became an “any old situation”, not an emergency. Even when I woke the next day, I didn’t get dazed when I walked into the bathroom with stuff hanging everywhere. Again, I just let it go.

My mental muscles are now so strong that I didn’t get triggered and have saboteurs react. There was a pause and then a move into my sage/wise mind/calmer self. And I stayed there the entire time.

Another friend shared with me that she was truly impressed because with all the work she has done on herself, she knows she still would have had to have control of that whole process. She couldn’t have stayed in bed to manage and would have had ways it had to be done. My first friend suggested the two of them should join my mental fitness program. My third friend has already, so I told the other two, join the club!

If you’d like to learn the science and get the practical tools to finally, once and for all, be able to be less reactive, more happy, less stressed or fearful, more efficient and effective, let’s connect. Mental fitness has been an absolute game-changer for me, and I want you to experience it too. Book a time here for an intro, with no obligation. You deserve to be happy. We all do.

P.S. If you’ve been doing your own work and already have rock-solid mental health practices, go you! Please consider sharing this with a friend or family member (or many) if it resonates with you and you want to share the benefits of a life you love and daily practices that support you.