enneagram

Breaking the cycle & taking one step 

| jamiefeinberg

How are you feeling today, friend? If you pause right now and take a few deep breaths with me, I invite you to ask yourself that question. What stands out to you? Are you physically comfortable? Are you present to your body? Are your thoughts racing? Do you feel energized, or depleted, or somewhere in between? 

Photo of a winter scene of a yard and house in the city, with snow, a fence, and sun peeking through trees

As we head into Hanukkah Sunday, are in the midst of Advent, and head toward Solstice and Christmas at a speedy pace, you may be caught up in activities and obligations. 

As we see daily headlines out of a terrifying movie or horrendous chapter of history, there are lots of distractions demanding our attention. 

Whether you’re finding yourself relentlessly busy or attempting to hide from it all, I hear you, and I see you. Today, I wanted to share one technique that can help me when I find myself caught in familiar patterns. For an audio version of this, head to my Substack.

We all have habitual patterns of our personality. These are patterns that we found served as well as children, keeping us safe and comfortable or at least giving us some sense of security and consistency. As we age, these well-honed patterns can become a trap. While they are well-honed, it is possible to break out of the cycle, the pattern, and make a different choice. But it requires a level of awareness of what’s going on and a willingness (and ability) to make a different choice. 

For instance, one of my patterns is that when I start to feel like I am overwhelmed or angry, my default setting is to cope with the scenario by doing. Specifically, I go to the most accessible task – I find that cleaning, especially washing dishes, is a go to, but I may also simply choose the easiest task on my to-do list or even go to scroll a video on my phone. 

The wiser part of my brain isn’t running the show here. Instead, I’m simply stuck in a pattern. 

So what can I do about it? 

The first step is to literally stop. Stop doing. Sometimes this means I literally stop whatever I’m doing and go sit down for an extra reminder that I do truly need to stop. Once I’ve stopped, I take a few deep breaths. You can even do a quick body scan to see where you’re holding onto tension or pain. I notice the physical sensations of where I am and what I’m doing. Notice if I was holding my breath. Notice my posture. Observe where I am in space right now. My body on the floor or whatever surface it is on. Let my extra thoughts go. 

Next, I observe what’s been going on. Am I in a calm or chaotic environment right now? How am I relating to others, and how are they responding to me? Am I myself feeling calm and regulated, or am I defaulting into the patterns of my personality? 

When I am physically present to what’s going on, if it feels accessible, I also have the option to ask my WISE mind why I started doing that task. Was I acting from fear? From anxiety? It can be useful to observe what just happened. But sometimes, asking WHY feels scary. Maybe it’s a very sensitive topic right now. If that’s true for you, just focus on the physical sensations. 

When I do feel I am in my “wise mind” and calmer, present and awake, I can ask myself some questions. You might ask what is yours to do in this situation, in the words of Suzanne Stabile. In the words of Byron Katie, you might ask “what am I believing right now? How does it make me feel? Is it true? Is it really true? Who would I be if I let go of that belief?”. 

And finally, having paused, observed and and done some self-reflection, you’re free to make new choices. Allow and encourage yourself to forgive yourself and try something new. 

Is your wise mind reminding you of a task that’s truly most important now? Do you finally have the clear head to make a call you’ve put off? To take ten minutes and start a dreaded task? Use this calm state to move forward with one thing today. 

There are versions of this process in both my Enneagram work and in my mental fitness work. You may have encountered a similar process elsewhere that works for you. Please let me know how you do this work in your own life. And if you haven’t yet, let me know if you’re going to try it! 

Want some support breaking out of your habitual patterns to feel more joy, create a life you love, and be more YOU? Come grab your free session with me.

We can do hard things

| jamiefeinberg

Hi friends. I am so grateful that this past weekend I had the opportunity to leave Prince Edward Island and visit Nova Scotia. I enjoyed the change of scenery, indulged in some of my favorite foods, and discovered beautiful places to walk and be.

But the thing I am most proud of is that I tried something new to me, something that I knew would be imperfect (very challenging for an Enneagram 1 especially!) and yet something that I knew would be a valuable experience to me regardless. 

I’m a barbershop chorus director, and the event I attended Saturday was a regional day of workshops and barbershop education. To kick off our afternoon, we had the opportunity to perform with Synergy, an outstanding quartet who set the record for the best score in our area at their first competition together. Their members include mentors and coaches of mine (and friends!). 

I’m relatively new to singing in a quartet, and I knew that the opportunity to try to hold my own singing with such an experienced (and fun!) group of performers would be one I shouldn’t miss. I knew I’d kick myself if I did. And while most people participating in the event sang one of four “area songs” that all of us have learned to sing together over the years, we also were given the option to sing one of the songs from Synergy’s repertoire. 

I thought the latter would be more beneficial to me, so I decided to teach myself the tenor part of “Popular”, the song from Wicked. I am familiar with the musical (in fact, I saw Idina Menzel in her last week on Broadway), but I had never seen this arrangement of the song and had never sung the tenor part until a few weeks ago. 

Getting up in front of a conference room full of people can be nerve-wracking in itself, but doing so to sing a song I’d only started learning a few weeks back, with a group of people I’d never performed with before, on a very challenging arrangement no less, was a pretty audacious plan. And yet I knew that if I gave it my all, I’d be extremely proud of myself, regardless of what happened. 

I knew it was an opportunity to show my chorus, and others from my area, what it looks like when we step outside of our comfort zone. To show how fun it can be to try something new. To show that it’s okay to risk failure, to make mistakes, and to commit wholeheartedly to what we know will end up being an imperfect effort, in spite of our best attempts. 

So for all those reasons, and for the fact that singing barbershop is FUN, I got up there. And while it was indeed imperfect, I have heard nothing but praise and excitement from the people who watched me perform over the weekend. And when I listened back to my performance, I was grateful that it sounded pretty good. I’m grateful I can look past the imperfections and just enjoy the memory of the special experience and my efforts. I went for it, and I am still pretty happy with my whirlwind of a performance. 

The wonderful author and inspiration that is Glennon Doyle often talks about how we can do hard things on her podcast, and she’s even written a book called We Can Do Hard Things. It’s a phrase that my chorus’ current coach reminds us of periodically, and it’s a mantra her chorus has embraced as their own. 

Sometimes hard things are things that we choose to do, for our own betterment, or to enjoy the journey and the challenge. Sometimes hard things are foisted upon us, and all we can hope for is that we can ride the waves and make it to the other side. 

Can you congratulate yourself for a “hard thing” you’ve gotten through, chosen or not? I’d love to hear your story. 

Standing up to fascism can be hard. Using our privilege can be hard. Choosing how to prioritize our energy and our efforts when life is already challenging enough and then the world feels like that much more is a tricky balancing act. 

But we can do hard things, friends. 

And if you’d like some more tools to help you in tackling the challenges of life, I have a lot of tools that can help you to do that work and tune in. Let’s start with a saboteur assessment. 

Work with me

My favorite Enneagram resources 

The joy of mundane moments

| jamiefeinberg

Photo of the ocean from a brief pause I took last week (photo credit: Jamie Feinberg) 

On Tuesday, I accomplished all of my must-dos in the morning, so when Ross asked me if I wanted to join him in doing any errands when he went out, I said yes, any chance you’d go with me to the local thrift stores in my hunt for some shelves and picture frames? It’s a task I’ve both wanted to do and also put off doing for months, in part because this time of year, I want to be outside, not in a thrift store. 

Ross said yes. And while many times when we’re out and about we get ourselves into vacation mindset, going out for treats or exploring new spots, this was just an ordinary afternoon. We picked up medications at the pharmacy. We visited three different thrift shops, having some minor successes along the way, though they were small. I had anxious moments and fun moments, and I enjoyed the thrill of the hunt. And when one of the thrift stores was only taking cash, it was kind of exciting that Ross had some cash and we were able to keep our purchases to that budget. 

By the time we got home, we were tired, but Ross told me how much fun he has adventuring with me. Even when we’re doing mundane things. 

YES! How often do we go off on a new and exciting adventure, perhaps spending lots of money along the way, when all we’re really seeking is to do something different than yesterday and make some memories with the people we care about? 

It was such a lovely reminder that yes, even when we don’t spend money, and yes, even when we don’t do anything but buy a couple of home goods, we can have a wonderful time, just being together. 

I hope there’s a version of this in your life. Maybe you find a solo library trip to be a treat. Maybe you appreciate the joy in a walk with a pet or a friend, even when you aren’t saying anything. Maybe you have a workout buddy or cherish your solo time cleaning. 

There are no wrong answers, friends, except that each and every moment can be an invitation to joy. 

Does this resonate for you? I know from my Enneagram work that some people can truly benefit from learning to appreciate the mundane. If you’d like to learn more about how this does or doesn’t apply to you, doing so in community can be a beautiful thing. 

Be well, take good care of yourself, and take good care of each other. Stand up, speak out, use your privilege wisely, and take time to tune into what you need.

Recent articles from me you might enjoy: 

Focus on joy (and keep resisting)

Rest and retreat

Finding and creating community

Let good enough be good enough

Creating space, allowing stillness

Anxious for the future? Quiet and control those hyper-vigilant thoughts

Finding gratitude while facing fascism

Enjoy the sun

10 ways your mind is messing with you

Joy as resistance

Tell me when I can pre-order your book!

Teaching myself it can be safe to be uncomfortable

| jamiefeinberg

We all pick up all sorts of messages in childhood, usually subconscious, and one that I’ve realized I picked up along the way is the idea that for me to be safe, I need to be comfortable. My brain tells me that I’m not safe when I’m learning new things, or when I’m stepping outside of my comfort zone. In an effort to protect me, if something outside of my control happens, if I displease someone or do something I wish I hadn’t done, and on and on, my body begins to feel warm, manufacturing stress and body repercussions as a result, thanks to the voices in my head trying to protect me (in my Positive Intelligence work, we might say these would be my Judge and my Hyper-Vigilant saboteurs). 

Basically, life is behaving predictably and I’m getting stuff done, comfortably in my wise mind and/or a calm and neutral state, until BAM! Something I didn’t anticipate or wouldn’t have chosen happens. And then I have deeply wired mental patterns that start sending worry and panic and protective thoughts to me, which manifest physically in my body. 

Photo of a light sandy brown horse on the sand by Denitsa Kireva

I caught myself in one of these cycles yesterday at work. (Yay, isn’t it amazing that I’m catching myself in these unhealthy patterns? That’s the first step to changing them!) Once it happened, I did some of my mindfulness exercises to make sure I was fully present, to get me out of my head. And I also did a bit of self-talk, reminding myself with kindness that I’m safe to make mistakes, I’m safe at work generally, and I have so many blessings right now. I’m safe. Relax. Breathe. It’s okay that I feel a little uncomfortable right now. Nothing needs fixing in this moment. 

This is, as I reminded a client recently, a way that we can reparent ourselves. Even if our parents or caregivers are phenomenal, part of the human journey involves recognizing the unhelpful thoughts and patterns that we picked up along the way. Places where our younger self picked up a message that older us recognizes is no longer serving us. 

Maybe my fierce independence or my process for choosing what to do and not do was helpful for me as a kid. I have better awareness and more tools now. I have more resources, and I’m more aware of the people in my community who can support me in times of challenge. 

It can feel especially awkward to do this work when we know, in fact, that all is NOT okay. When our country is no longer recognizable, or when our neighbors are now spewing rhetoric that signifies something has shifted, and they aren’t who we thought they were. When our financial situation is precarious at best or our living situation or health insurance status makes us vulnerable.

In spite of all of that, we need to let our older, wiser selves guide us in our journeys. If we always lead from our animal instincts, or from the younger version of ourselves that hasn’ grown past 13 or 8 or 5, we are limiting our growth and the possibilities for ourselves as people. I know more than I did at 13, or 8, or 5. I can show compassion and love for my younger self and then make a wiser choice with the knowledge I have now. 

There are so many tools and resources in doing this work. Therapy can help. So can developing mental fitness practices and getting to understand the saboteurs that are getting in the way of a life you love. So can learning more about yourself and what’s possible through tools like the Enneagram. 

Does this resonate for you in this phase of life? Do you have a strategy or two you’re employing right now, or something you’d like to try to use in addressing it? 

Recent articles from me you might enjoy: 

Focus on joy (and keep resisting)

Rest and retreat

Finding and creating community

Let good enough be good enough

Creating space, allowing stillness

Anxious for the future? Quiet and control those hyper-vigilant thoughts

Finding gratitude while facing fascism

Enjoy the sun

10 ways your mind is messing with you

Joy as resistance

Focus on joy (and keep resisting)

| jamiefeinberg

Hi friends. This past week has been a lot. Are you doing okay? There is SO much in the news worth our attention right now, and I hope you’ve been able to care for yourself while also staying aware. It’s a fine balance, isn’t it? 

I sometimes use the 5 Calls app to help me to focus my attention and activism, and just today, my suggested options include calling my reps to “denounce Trump’s takeover of DC and demand statehood”, supporting LGBTQ+ rights with the Equality Act (especially important where the Supreme Court is considering taking away same-sex marriage), demanding fair maps in Texas and nationwide, and protecting the civil rights of the unhoused and mentally ill – not to mention ending the war and crisis in Gaza and supporting Ukraine! WOW. That’s not all of it – only the top several. Yikes. 

Photo description: Red PEI rocks in the foreground with grass, ocean beyond it (photo by Jamie Feinberg)

I remain convinced that it’s important for all of us to find ways that work for us to both stay connected to where the greater community needs us AND keep in touch with our own self-care. So this week, I want to encourage you to keep putting in committed, specific time to hear about the news and take action each week. But I ALSO want to remind you to put some of your focus on joy. 

For me, this might translate to making calls to my senators or house representatives or governor after I’ve completed my morning mediation and practices, before I begin my work day. It might be sharing a relevant article or post after I’ve taken some time to digest what’s going on in the world. 

But it also means being present to the goodness, the joy, the moment. Yesterday we had a heat warning here, with intense humidity exacerbating the situation. This made my walk home especially brutal, as it was like a wave of warm heat hitting my face when I stepped outside after work. While my brain kept trying to focus on how uncomfortable that was (a habit that comes easily to me as an Enneagram 1), I instead kept redirecting my attention to focus on what I was feeling, and ideally find gratitude in it. Every so often, a breeze would come through, and I’d tune in to the feeling of the wind on my back and my arms and my head, enjoying a brief reprieve from the stifling heat. I focused my attention on the beautiful blue sky and how it contrasted with the texture and shape of the green leaves on the trees. I celebrated that while my body felt uncomfortable in the heat, my muscles were easily cooperating as I took each step to walk home. My knees were happy. My shoes felt comfortable. I got moments of reprieve in the shade from the heat. 

I also used this practice midday yesterday. I experienced a challenging time at work, and rather than try to muscle through it, I took a brief break to get out of the building and walk around the block. It was warm, but there was a wonderful breeze at that hour, so I focused my attention on how nice the breeze felt and how nice it was to be outside instead of behind a desk for a few minutes. When I returned to my desk, I wasn’t completely “over” the incident, but it felt much less close to me, and I was able to enjoy my afternoon at work and bring more joy and compassion to my interactions with my colleagues. 

So now it’s your turn. How does this resonate with you? Where are you focusing right now? Is your focus habitual, or are you able to turn your attention from the news to the present moment with ease? What is or isn’t working for you right now? 

And if you’d like to learn more about the habitual patterns that keep you stuck, let’s connect. I’m happy to offer a Saboteur Assessment, or you can join me in learning about the patterns of your personality and how to break free of them using the Enneagram. 

Recent articles from me you might enjoy: 

Rest and retreat

Finding and creating community

Let good enough be good enough

Creating space, allowing stillness

Anxious for the future? Quiet and control those hyper-vigilant thoughts

Finding gratitude while facing fascism

Enjoy the sun

10 ways your mind is messing with you

Joy as resistance

Tell me when I can pre-order your book!

Let good enough be good enough

| jamiefeinberg

In brainstorming what to explore here, some weeks it just comes to me. Other weeks aren’t as obvious. Today, I asked myself what I needed to hear right now, and that’s how the title came to me: let good enough be good enough. 

Photo of assorted flowers and trees in a neighborhood park by Jamie Feinberg

According to the Enneagram, a tool for personal growth I’ve been studying for more than five years now, some people (known as Type 1s) heard a very particular message when they were children – “it isn’t okay to make mistakes”. In spite of the best intentions, so often, in our families of origin, we manage to internalize the idea that there’s a problem if we make mistakes. So as a protective mechanism, some of us become perfectionistic. And yet when we do so, this overfocus on perfecting ourselves, perfecting those around us, or being a great role model for others means that we lose ourselves along the way, becoming less confident and unbalanced as a result, and more obsessed with control, repression, and worry. 

But we don’t need to be a “type 1” for us to pick up the message that it isn’t safe for us to make mistakes. Maybe it’s because of the color of our skin that we’ve internalized that message, or maybe we have a neurodivergent brain that isn’t understood by those around us. Maybe a domineering parent or an unsafe environment at school or at home contribute to it. 

One of the things, therefore, that I benefit a lot from, and that you may too, is remembering that most of the time, it’s best to let good enough be good enough. 

In my mental fitness work, we say only 20% of tasks, at most, need us to do them perfectly (or close to it). For the remaining 80% of tasks, the healthy and reasonable thing is to let good enough be good enough. 

Especially when I’m feeling stressed or navigating a lot of extra potential stressors already, I know I need to remember and heed this message. 

Here are a few ways I’ve “let good enough be good enough”. I hope these inspire you and you’ll try it on for size: 

  • Have time for a fancier meal? On the fence about whether it’s worth it to put in the extra effort? Keep it simple. Your body and mind will thank you later. 
  • Not sure your wording of that email is perfection? Is the email being sent to someone who already knows your work? Can you afford to have an imperfect word or two in this email? Let it go, and send it. 
  • Struggling to choose the right outfit for a night out? Consider the “needs” involved, and then just choose something. It doesn’t need to be the best outfit you’ve ever worn. Let good enough be good enough. 
  • Prioritize cleaning the most highly-trafficked areas and the most visible ones in your living space. No one but my husband and I have to put up with a messy bedroom, so it isn’t usually a priority. 
  • Showing up to a meeting less prepared than usual is still (usually) better than not showing up. If it’s still a value add, I show up – and I include a brief apology if it feels called for. 
  • Didn’t accomplish all my goals today? Didn’t get outside as much as I intended? Didn’t get to finish that project? No point in beating myself up about it. Let it go – I did good enough (or well enough) today. 

Does this resonate with you too? Is “let good enough be good enough” helpful for you? And if not, what do you think is the message you’d benefit from hearing or repeating right now? And if you know your Enneagram number, has that helped you to get clear about this? 

P.S. If you don’t know your number but would like to learn it in the company of others on their own personal journeys of growth, learn more about working with me here. And if you know your number but are still seeking community, I lead both an Enneagram Book Club and mental fitness groups. 

Recent articles from me you might enjoy: 

Creating space, allowing stillness

Anxious for the future? Quiet and control those hyper-vigilant thoughts

Finding gratitude while facing fascism

Enjoy the sun

10 ways your mind is messing with you

Joy as resistance

Tell me when I can pre-order your book!

The best of times, the worst of times

| jamiefeinberg

Anyone else finding the juxtaposition of life confusing right now? It’s such a gorgeous time of year where I live, getting to have so many sunny days, enjoying warmth and blue skies, flowering gardens, and some really delicious fresh and local foods, from lobster to strawberries and from garlic scapes to new potatoes. 

And yet, I’m also making phone calls to my representatives to tell them they need to do everything in their power to stand up against concentration camps being built in our backyards.

What to do, in the face of it all? How do you keep moving forward in your own life when you know what’s happening in your backyard? 

Photo description: Magenta-colored flowers catch the light, with their green leaves behind them (Photo by Jamie Feinberg)

You know what you need best, my friend. But here are some ideas, if things are hazy and it feels like the walls are closing in: 

  • Return to the self-care practices that have gotten you through tough times in the past. Feel regulated when you take a shower? When you go for a run? When you call a friend? Prioritize that. 
  • Practice presence, several times a day, but definitely when you begin your day. Pay close attention to your five senses. Feel yourself in your body. Focus on your breath. Release tension. Release negative thoughts. 
  • Cultivate movement in your life, at whatever level is feasible for you. The more movement, typically, the better you will feel. I know for myself, the more intense it is, the bigger a difference it makes, but just walking or even getting outside can make a difference. 
  • Find the sky. Remember when you see the clouds or tops of buildings or find the sun or blue that there is something bigger than you in this world – whether it’s a divine presence or simply a giant planet and universe that will long outlive you, tune in to the gifts of that, and remember you’re one person, doing your small part, to make a difference today. 
  • Give back. Call your representatives. Protest. Create art. Talk to people. Stand up for small injustices and micro-aggressions. Do not normalize atrocities. Talk about people as if they are human – because they are. 
  • Feel gratitude for something. Or several somethings. 
  • Take breaks from social media. Take breaks from noise. Just be. 
  • Find community. Join a group or start one. (Join one of mine!) Get connected and remember that sharing our gifts and our presence is a meaningful way to be the best we can be in the world. 

Remember you’re not alone. Thank you for being you, and for doing what you have the capacity for today, in your own world and your own community. 

And I’d love to hear how you’re doing right now. How are you handling this? How do you want to handle this?

Recent articles from me you might enjoy: 

Creating space, allowing stillness

Anxious for the future? Quiet and control those hyper-vigilant thoughts

Finding gratitude while facing fascism

Enjoy the sun

10 ways your mind is messing with you

Joy as resistance

Tell me when I can pre-order your book!

task ahead seem Impossible? Try smaller steps

| jamiefeinberg

Hi friends. In the face of an increasing number of horrendous headlines, including (as I write this) the news that transgender service members were referred to as “dishonorable” by the Supreme Court and the ban on transgender people serving stands, I am going through waves of emotions. 

But after reading those headlines, I forced myself to walk to the mailbox, and you know what? I felt joy. I felt gratitude. The sun was overhead, it was warm enough for me to walk outside without a coat on, the birds were chirping, and so many beautiful flowers were blooming. 

So in thinking about what to write today, I’m reminded of the progress I’ve made on my book – as well as the realization that I’m still potentially years from seeing it out in the world. 

You know something kind of unique about me? Before I wrote this book, I nearly wrote another book’s first draft. Yes, I have at least ¾ of a memoir about a particular summer of my life in professional theater sitting in the cloud. 

Something that I’ve learned about myself, in my Enneagram and in my mental fitness studies, is that I as amazingly creative as I am, when I take on a really big project, and when I don’t have accountability, and when it’s for me, and not for someone else, I may not finish it. It’s not something I’m proud of. It’s my “shadow side”, as they say. You could also call it my “restless saboteur”, or what it looks like when I am in “low 7” according to the Enneagram. 

Not doing anything with this book is just one of many of these projects. And this will probably blow the minds of some people who know me and can rattle off all the things I’ve accomplished along the way. But I think that for me, when we’re talking about how to take a book from first draft to finished product, there was really a feeling of being daunted by what I didn’t know. Combine that with the realization that this particular book didn’t actually have a clear purpose for me in my career, and I let it sit on a shelf instead of focusing my energy on sorting out next steps. 

But this time, my friends? This time will be different. 

I think I first announced to the world publicly that my book Crafting Our Life Adventure would be published years ago. I even created this sales page so you could sign up to learn when the book is ready. (Still works!)

But you know what? Publishing a book is a giant task. And it’s tough to stay motivated on a giant task when you’ve got several or dozens of other tasks, many of them urgent, demanding your attention. 

You may have heard this advice before: 

“How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” 

Photo of tiles with the letters spelling “try baby steps” by Brett Jordan

And so while last time, I let myself get pulled toward easier and/or more pressing wins than publishing my book, this time is going to be different. 

I started out with the knowledge that I needed to sort out what the steps actually will be for me to publish a book. 

So over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been asking friends and friends of friends for all of their tips.  

After I have all that research “done”, or at least feel MUCH more informed than before, I’ll be using the research to create a checklist or road map for myself, outlining the next pieces of the puzzle and giving me smaller wins that I can celebrate along the way. 

And finally, I will begin taking daily, or at least weekly, steps to realize my vision: to have my book published and out in the world.

This process is actually a process I repeat over and over again in my life. If you want to read it for yourself and reference it in the future, you can. I call it the Four Steps To Your Dream Life Blueprint, and you’ll find it here. I’ve used it throughout my life to accomplish my goals, and I hope it helps you too. 

And it can work for anything, I think. 

But if that’s too much, to look at all four steps toward a big vision, just focus on breaking your task up into smaller pieces. 

Find taking a shower too hard today? Break it up into smaller steps. Gather your towel and toiletries. Gather clean clothes. 

Want to reach out to your rep but not sure what to say when you call? Break it up into smaller steps. Write a list of bullet points to cover, or even write yourself a script. Practice saying it out loud to yourself. 

Know you need to do some batch cooking, but feel overwhelmed? Break it up into smaller steps. Grocery shop with a few meals in mind, or roast some veggies and rice and a protein that will make it easier to make dinner from there. 

So I hope that’s helpful. At minimum, breaking a daunting task into small steps is really useful for me. And if you have the brain space to think about the big picture right now using your wise mind, feel free to grab a copy of the Four Steps and give it a try. 

And if your brain isn’t allowing you to tap into your wiser self right now, I 100% get it. And if you’d like some support in doing so, schedule a Saboteur Assessment with me. I’d love to help you learn to let the sabotaging thoughts, the ones that get in the way of living a life you love, go. 

Take good care. Keep resisting. 

How to Stay Calm Under Pressure (Traveling or At Home)

| jamiefeinberg

In stressful situations, we tend to default to old habits and/or move into survival mode to keep ourselves safe. All of this is completely understandable. 

Because we’ve all had different experiences, have different brains, differences, personalities and more, what one person does under stress can look quite different from someone else. It’s part of what makes us unique. But what isn’t unique is that we are all hardwired to do certain patterns of behavior under these circumstances. 

In thinking about the state of the world right now, I’m especially aware of how dangerous traveling is for so many people right now. Perhaps you don’t feel safe traveling internationally (or at least, you don’t feel safe crossing the border to get back in). Perhaps you don’t feel safe going to the grocery store or even leaving your home. 

The situations may be different, and the reasons may be different, but in any of these circumstances, the goal is for us to be able to stay calm under pressure. We want to know that we will be calm and in control of our actions, even if we are being interrogated or profiled or otherwise threatened. 

So I want to talk a bit about what happens to us under pressure, and how we can strengthen our practices and our minds to help keep us safe (or at least increase the likelihood of a positive interaction) in future encounters. 

Photo of blue sky and branches by Optical Chemist

I’m going to do so with compassion for others in challenging circumstances, to the best of my ability. I’m going to do so using the lens of the Enneagram and mental fitness. As usual, please keep in mind that I’m not a scientist or a therapist, and what I’m sharing are my own opinions based on my own experiences. If you want the technical scientific jargon, I probably won’t be going there, and I’m also not a lawyer or a therapist, so consult your own if possible and do your own homework and come to your own conclusions. 

My personal belief is that we all have some sort of wise, wonderful being inside of us. Maybe you’d call it your soul, or your sage or your wise mind. This special being is there from the time we are born. As soon as we’re born, basically, we start having experiences in the real world. From the noises and feelings when we first leave the womb, to the ways our family of origin treats us, to the kind and the harsh and the horrible humans who cross our paths along the way, we are challenged.

As a result of these experiences, we start developing a personality. We pick up traits along the way. We find that we get positive reactions or are safer more frequently when we do certain things, so we lean into those more. In the language of Positive Intelligence, the mental fitness program I use in my training and coaching, we find that some of our skills and characteristics serve us well, so we do them more and more, eventually resulting in some “saboteur” behaviors. We might discover people-pleasing tendencies, or a hyper-achiever who tells us we must keep “doing” or we don’t have value. Maybe we develop restless or avoider or controlling saboteurs as ways of coping with the world. 

In the language of the Enneagram, by the time we are adults, we’ve settled into a grab bag of personality traits that sometimes help us and sometimes hurt us, because we overly rely on them. They trap us.  If we study the Enneagram, we’ll learn that there are other people in the world very similar to us, whose personality types are also aligned with ours, though our own individual circumstances and that underlying soul within us means we’re still all different people. 

Whether we’re using the language of mental fitness or of the Enneagram, if we are privileged enough to begin working on ourselves, it begins with non-judgmental self-observation and a recognition that we’ve been holding so tightly to these personality traits and behaviors that they are no longer serving us. We recognize that if we want to become more of that beautiful soul, more of that lovely sage being, so wise and as we were created, we’ll need to let go of the grip that our personality holds on us. 

And if we’re able to see this, whether it’s because we did a saboteur assessment or read a book or experienced a life-altering circumstance or something else entirely, then we’ll find ourselves asking the question: what’s next? How do I step out of these habitual patterns that I’ve been in for so long, that have me trapped in my own patterns of personality? 

The answer, in a word? Presence. 

When we are able to let go of the sabotaging thoughts and judgment of our own mind, and instead practice being in the present moment, it’s the first step toward our own self-actualization.

It sounds lofty, but if we are able to practice, day in and day out, being fully present where we are, whether that’s by getting outside in nature or fully savoring a meal or feeling the water on our hands, we are, step by step, loosening the grip of our personality and making it easier for the wisdom of our wise mind to make it to the surface. 

You may be wondering what the heck this has to do with staying calm when we’re traveling. That’s fair!

But it has everything to do with it. If we practice grounding ourselves, using any tools of mindfulness, while letting go of judgment, we are increasing the likelihood that when we encounter a stressful situation, we will be able to hear the wisdom of our wise mind. We’ll increase the likelihood that we will know how to best take care of ourselves in that situation. We become calmer, and wiser, and less anxious. Our wise mind will recognize whether we need to go hide, or explore a solution, or fight back, or simply have the words to answer a question calmly and in the wisest way possible. 

We don’t usually learn to do this work. We are rarely, if ever, taught these skills in school. We are not taught that our mental muscles need to be strengthened and exercised just as much as our physical muscles do. 

If you’re curious about this, I’m pleased to offer a Saboteur Assessment, without cost, to anyone interested in learning more about how they’ve been getting in their own way. Whether or not you choose to work with me in the future, I’d love to help you gain the understanding to move forward in the world without being held back by your own patterns of personality. 

I can’t control what happens to you when you travel. But I’d love to empower you with the tools to control as much as you CAN control in your life. 

Take good care. Keep resisting.