enneagram

Planting seeds

| jamiefeinberg

It’s spring, friends. Even if it looks like winter or mud season or something else entirely where you are (summer?). It’s spring here. And spring is always a beautiful opportunity for a reset, a new perspective, and a fresh start. 

Photo: A glimpse of Sarah Maloney’s artwork. In the foreground is a piece of furniture (divan) with what look like metal plants growing up from it. Behind it are quilted panels with flowers embroidered on top of them. 

I’ve been thinking about the way I plant seeds in my life. I imagine you could make your own list. Maybe you have a garden, and you plant literal seeds! Amazing. Goodness knows that as the price of gas and food continues to rise or fluctuate, and the world keeps changing, growing your own food is an incredible way to give yourself some additional security and offer you something to share with your friends and neighbors as well as your family. Plus it’s fun (for some people), and good for your mental health, and it’s physical activity too!

Much of the work I do as a vocal instructor and barbershop director involves planting seeds. We can’t make dramatic changes overnight most of the time. So I drop bits of education, I cultivate the soil, so to speak, laying down roots so that we can build a variety of skills that will ultimately culminate in beautiful performances and more polished and confident singers. 

Planting seeds can also be a way to think about marketing! Trust me, I’ve learned from personal experience that you can’t just announce a program one time and expect that people will sign up for it. It takes a variety of methods to get the word out effectively, and if I want a program to come together or for a bunch of new mental fitness or coaching clients to find me, it’s essential that I keep planting seeds by sharing new content and posts that reinforce the opportunities and help my potential clients see the benefit for themselves in participating. 

I’ve also noticed that often, I do some workshopping, so to speak, of an idea that I have out loud with several people before I do it. This could be seen as a type of seed planting too – although perhaps it’s planting the seeds in my own mind and body! If I talk about it a few times, and if it feels good in my body and my voice, and maybe if the reaction I get to it is supportive, maybe it’s time to go for it. (I am also aware that this type of workshopping is NOT something everyone does. I think it’s part of my personality as an Enneagram 1 (we’re verbal processors). How about you?) 

I think we’re always planting seeds in our own lives. When we start learning a new skill, trying out a new hobby, a new attitude or way of thinking, we don’t reap all the benefits all at once. It takes time. The reason I try to practice voice every day is that if we only do it once or twice a week, we can’t make much progress. It’s hard to rewrite habits with that kind of a schedule. But if we do exercises and push ourselves a little bit each day, it’s easier to integrate new habits and to see the benefits. 

If you’d like to plant some seeds for change and growth in your own life, joining an Enneagram group or completing a Saboteur Assessment can be a wonderful next step. 

Does this concept resonate for you right now? 

Curious about why you do what you do? 

| jamiefeinberg

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been immensely curious about why I am who I am, and why I do what I do, for as long as I can remember. Certainly for the majority of my adulthood anyway. 

  • Why do I naturally excel at some things rather than others? 
  • Why are some tasks that seem so easy for me seem so difficult for many other people? 
  • Why do I struggle to complete things, when some people around me seem to complete everything they start, no questions asked? 
  • Why does my sense of what’s right and wrong seem so different from other people’s sometimes?
  • Why do I repeat the same patterns so often, even when I recognize that they aren’t serving me? 

And this curiosity extends to other people as well as to my own self. 

  • Why do THEY make ______ look easy? 
  • Why do people do things that seem cruel or unkind from my perspective? 
  • Why do THEY do _____ when I would never do that? 
  • Why do people’s expectations of me sometimes seem impossible? Are we living in different worlds? 
  • Why is so and so always so direct? Why are some people so passive-aggressive? 

These are the types of questions that I may ponder from day to day or week to week. And they are the kinds of questions that the Enneagram has given me a vehicle for. 

When I learn to recognize my own personality type, I also learn to recognize that there are other people like me in the world – but that’s only a minority of them. Most people in the world are actually a different personality type than me. And it’s not that they’re bad people. They just have a different lens and a different way of seeing the world. 

I’m so excited this week because after much planning and coordination, my next Enneagram group is getting started in April! We’ll be meeting weekly on Tuesday or Thursday evenings (Atlantic time – seems like this will be a PEI group though we are over Zoom), and we’ll study Suzanne Stabile’s amazing Enneagram Journey curriculum together. 

[Since we’re about to begin a journey, here’s a photo from a recent journey by car with a striking sunset. I took it through the windshield.]

In this program, you’ll not only learn your Enneagram number, with certainty, understanding, and compassion for what that means. You’ll also study the growth path specific to your number, offering you ways that you can begin to unwind and change the habits in your life that are no longer serving you. 

So far, our group is full of some lovely women, from working folks in our 40’s to retired. And if you’re seeking your own community for self-improvement and personal growth, this is the last week to join us. Head here and reach out to me if you want to join the fun. It’s a three month program, and we’d love to hear from you.

Choosing love

| jamiefeinberg

Some wise people have said over the years that everything is either fear-based or based in love. In my mental fitness work, my coach has told us the same thing, reminding us that the wise part of our brain makes decisions out of love, while the saboteurs, the negative voices in our head, would have us make decisions out of fear. 

As children, these saboteurs told us to do things out of fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of death. And over time, we made that a habit. And those neural pathways are well-worn, with habits that are very hard to break. 

A silly, happy photo of me, wearing a purple coat with the red strap of a bag visible, sun and blue sky behind me, with a progress Pride button on my coat. 

So, what’s the alternative? What does choosing love look like? 

It might look like: 

  • Listening to what someone has to say instead of reacting first
  • Responding with empathy or vulnerability instead of walling ourselves off 
  • Exploring our options with a playful energy and a love for creativity or problem-solving instead of limiting ourselves out of a fear of lack and a longing for security
  • Getting ourselves outside or out in the world instead of letting our saboteurs dictate all the reasons for us to stay put or stay inside
  • Brainstorming with a goal of finding the win for ALL involved, rather than approaching each conflict as a potential win/lose or lose/lose scenario
  • Respecting boundaries, often of others, but especially of ourselves

Choosing love for me is often embracing curiosity. Embracing curiosity about why strangers might be doing things that I don’t expect or understand. Embracing curiosity about what would be possible, if I had no constraints or let go of my fears. Embracing curiosity about ways we can all find happiness, without taking it from anyone else. 

So as I call my reps and support my neighbors and scream at politicians, I also work to pause. To breathe. Breathe first, and then respond, instead of reacting without a moment to process and ponder. 

Where can you choose love? 

And if this feels daunting, I have two beautiful ways that I support my clients which also can help you to find compassion, for yourself, your environment, and for other people. 

My next group for people interested in learning more about the Enneagram begins in April. Join us on Tuesdays and Thursday evenings (Eastern/Atlantic time). Learn more here and contact me, and invite a friend too. 

And I’d love to support you in building your own toolbox to do this work. If you’d like to join me for an opportunity to learn some mental fitness skills and see how saboteurs are keeping you from living a life you love, head here.  

Thanks for being here, and thanks for keeping at it, even when it’s hard or even feels impossible. You’re not alone. 

Pausing for rest and renewal

| jamiefeinberg

Hi friends. The news continues to be full of endless opportunities for worry, anxiety, fear and anger. I’ve called my representatives several times in the past week, with a focus on saying no to the SAVE Act and telling my state reps to say no to gerrymandering. And I’ve cried and laughed at some of the ridiculousness I’ve seen. 

As always, there are reasons for hope too. I hope that you’re checking in with the headlines periodically, prioritizing what you can do today, and this week, and I hope you’re remembering that your neighbors need you now, and in the future. 

Cat eyes closed rests as if meditating in black and white photo

Photo: Cat with eyes closed rests as if meditating in black and white photo

But it’s exhausting. Am I right? So that’s why today, I am encouraging you, if you have the free time and the ability right now, to just stop. If physically stopping is really hard for you, I find it helpful to do some intense exercise or take a walk or do some focused breathing before engaging in a mental fitness session like the one that follows. 

Join me, if you like, in pausing for rest and renewal. 

Listen here

Was this helpful for you? What are you doing right now a) to stop fascism and b) to stay rested and stay human? 
Sending much love to you. Thanks so much for reading and listening and for paying attention. I have a few more spots  for people interested in learning about themselves through the Enneagram in our next cohort. And if you’d like to join me for an opportunity to learn some mental fitness skills and see how saboteurs are keeping you from being happy and living a life you love, head here.

Breaking the cycle & taking one step 

| jamiefeinberg

How are you feeling today, friend? If you pause right now and take a few deep breaths with me, I invite you to ask yourself that question. What stands out to you? Are you physically comfortable? Are you present to your body? Are your thoughts racing? Do you feel energized, or depleted, or somewhere in between? 

Photo of a winter scene of a yard and house in the city, with snow, a fence, and sun peeking through trees

As we head into Hanukkah Sunday, are in the midst of Advent, and head toward Solstice and Christmas at a speedy pace, you may be caught up in activities and obligations. 

As we see daily headlines out of a terrifying movie or horrendous chapter of history, there are lots of distractions demanding our attention. 

Whether you’re finding yourself relentlessly busy or attempting to hide from it all, I hear you, and I see you. Today, I wanted to share one technique that can help me when I find myself caught in familiar patterns. For an audio version of this, head to my Substack.

We all have habitual patterns of our personality. These are patterns that we found served as well as children, keeping us safe and comfortable or at least giving us some sense of security and consistency. As we age, these well-honed patterns can become a trap. While they are well-honed, it is possible to break out of the cycle, the pattern, and make a different choice. But it requires a level of awareness of what’s going on and a willingness (and ability) to make a different choice. 

For instance, one of my patterns is that when I start to feel like I am overwhelmed or angry, my default setting is to cope with the scenario by doing. Specifically, I go to the most accessible task – I find that cleaning, especially washing dishes, is a go to, but I may also simply choose the easiest task on my to-do list or even go to scroll a video on my phone. 

The wiser part of my brain isn’t running the show here. Instead, I’m simply stuck in a pattern. 

So what can I do about it? 

The first step is to literally stop. Stop doing. Sometimes this means I literally stop whatever I’m doing and go sit down for an extra reminder that I do truly need to stop. Once I’ve stopped, I take a few deep breaths. You can even do a quick body scan to see where you’re holding onto tension or pain. I notice the physical sensations of where I am and what I’m doing. Notice if I was holding my breath. Notice my posture. Observe where I am in space right now. My body on the floor or whatever surface it is on. Let my extra thoughts go. 

Next, I observe what’s been going on. Am I in a calm or chaotic environment right now? How am I relating to others, and how are they responding to me? Am I myself feeling calm and regulated, or am I defaulting into the patterns of my personality? 

When I am physically present to what’s going on, if it feels accessible, I also have the option to ask my WISE mind why I started doing that task. Was I acting from fear? From anxiety? It can be useful to observe what just happened. But sometimes, asking WHY feels scary. Maybe it’s a very sensitive topic right now. If that’s true for you, just focus on the physical sensations. 

When I do feel I am in my “wise mind” and calmer, present and awake, I can ask myself some questions. You might ask what is yours to do in this situation, in the words of Suzanne Stabile. In the words of Byron Katie, you might ask “what am I believing right now? How does it make me feel? Is it true? Is it really true? Who would I be if I let go of that belief?”. 

And finally, having paused, observed and and done some self-reflection, you’re free to make new choices. Allow and encourage yourself to forgive yourself and try something new. 

Is your wise mind reminding you of a task that’s truly most important now? Do you finally have the clear head to make a call you’ve put off? To take ten minutes and start a dreaded task? Use this calm state to move forward with one thing today. 

There are versions of this process in both my Enneagram work and in my mental fitness work. You may have encountered a similar process elsewhere that works for you. Please let me know how you do this work in your own life. And if you haven’t yet, let me know if you’re going to try it! 

Want some support breaking out of your habitual patterns to feel more joy, create a life you love, and be more YOU? Come grab your free session with me.

We can do hard things

| jamiefeinberg

Hi friends. I am so grateful that this past weekend I had the opportunity to leave Prince Edward Island and visit Nova Scotia. I enjoyed the change of scenery, indulged in some of my favorite foods, and discovered beautiful places to walk and be.

But the thing I am most proud of is that I tried something new to me, something that I knew would be imperfect (very challenging for an Enneagram 1 especially!) and yet something that I knew would be a valuable experience to me regardless. 

I’m a barbershop chorus director, and the event I attended Saturday was a regional day of workshops and barbershop education. To kick off our afternoon, we had the opportunity to perform with Synergy, an outstanding quartet who set the record for the best score in our area at their first competition together. Their members include mentors and coaches of mine (and friends!). 

I’m relatively new to singing in a quartet, and I knew that the opportunity to try to hold my own singing with such an experienced (and fun!) group of performers would be one I shouldn’t miss. I knew I’d kick myself if I did. And while most people participating in the event sang one of four “area songs” that all of us have learned to sing together over the years, we also were given the option to sing one of the songs from Synergy’s repertoire. 

I thought the latter would be more beneficial to me, so I decided to teach myself the tenor part of “Popular”, the song from Wicked. I am familiar with the musical (in fact, I saw Idina Menzel in her last week on Broadway), but I had never seen this arrangement of the song and had never sung the tenor part until a few weeks ago. 

Getting up in front of a conference room full of people can be nerve-wracking in itself, but doing so to sing a song I’d only started learning a few weeks back, with a group of people I’d never performed with before, on a very challenging arrangement no less, was a pretty audacious plan. And yet I knew that if I gave it my all, I’d be extremely proud of myself, regardless of what happened. 

I knew it was an opportunity to show my chorus, and others from my area, what it looks like when we step outside of our comfort zone. To show how fun it can be to try something new. To show that it’s okay to risk failure, to make mistakes, and to commit wholeheartedly to what we know will end up being an imperfect effort, in spite of our best attempts. 

So for all those reasons, and for the fact that singing barbershop is FUN, I got up there. And while it was indeed imperfect, I have heard nothing but praise and excitement from the people who watched me perform over the weekend. And when I listened back to my performance, I was grateful that it sounded pretty good. I’m grateful I can look past the imperfections and just enjoy the memory of the special experience and my efforts. I went for it, and I am still pretty happy with my whirlwind of a performance. 

The wonderful author and inspiration that is Glennon Doyle often talks about how we can do hard things on her podcast, and she’s even written a book called We Can Do Hard Things. It’s a phrase that my chorus’ current coach reminds us of periodically, and it’s a mantra her chorus has embraced as their own. 

Sometimes hard things are things that we choose to do, for our own betterment, or to enjoy the journey and the challenge. Sometimes hard things are foisted upon us, and all we can hope for is that we can ride the waves and make it to the other side. 

Can you congratulate yourself for a “hard thing” you’ve gotten through, chosen or not? I’d love to hear your story. 

Standing up to fascism can be hard. Using our privilege can be hard. Choosing how to prioritize our energy and our efforts when life is already challenging enough and then the world feels like that much more is a tricky balancing act. 

But we can do hard things, friends. 

And if you’d like some more tools to help you in tackling the challenges of life, I have a lot of tools that can help you to do that work and tune in. Let’s start with a saboteur assessment. 

Work with me

My favorite Enneagram resources 

The joy of mundane moments

| jamiefeinberg

Photo of the ocean from a brief pause I took last week (photo credit: Jamie Feinberg) 

On Tuesday, I accomplished all of my must-dos in the morning, so when Ross asked me if I wanted to join him in doing any errands when he went out, I said yes, any chance you’d go with me to the local thrift stores in my hunt for some shelves and picture frames? It’s a task I’ve both wanted to do and also put off doing for months, in part because this time of year, I want to be outside, not in a thrift store. 

Ross said yes. And while many times when we’re out and about we get ourselves into vacation mindset, going out for treats or exploring new spots, this was just an ordinary afternoon. We picked up medications at the pharmacy. We visited three different thrift shops, having some minor successes along the way, though they were small. I had anxious moments and fun moments, and I enjoyed the thrill of the hunt. And when one of the thrift stores was only taking cash, it was kind of exciting that Ross had some cash and we were able to keep our purchases to that budget. 

By the time we got home, we were tired, but Ross told me how much fun he has adventuring with me. Even when we’re doing mundane things. 

YES! How often do we go off on a new and exciting adventure, perhaps spending lots of money along the way, when all we’re really seeking is to do something different than yesterday and make some memories with the people we care about? 

It was such a lovely reminder that yes, even when we don’t spend money, and yes, even when we don’t do anything but buy a couple of home goods, we can have a wonderful time, just being together. 

I hope there’s a version of this in your life. Maybe you find a solo library trip to be a treat. Maybe you appreciate the joy in a walk with a pet or a friend, even when you aren’t saying anything. Maybe you have a workout buddy or cherish your solo time cleaning. 

There are no wrong answers, friends, except that each and every moment can be an invitation to joy. 

Does this resonate for you? I know from my Enneagram work that some people can truly benefit from learning to appreciate the mundane. If you’d like to learn more about how this does or doesn’t apply to you, doing so in community can be a beautiful thing. 

Be well, take good care of yourself, and take good care of each other. Stand up, speak out, use your privilege wisely, and take time to tune into what you need.

Recent articles from me you might enjoy: 

Focus on joy (and keep resisting)

Rest and retreat

Finding and creating community

Let good enough be good enough

Creating space, allowing stillness

Anxious for the future? Quiet and control those hyper-vigilant thoughts

Finding gratitude while facing fascism

Enjoy the sun

10 ways your mind is messing with you

Joy as resistance

Tell me when I can pre-order your book!

Teaching myself it can be safe to be uncomfortable

| jamiefeinberg

We all pick up all sorts of messages in childhood, usually subconscious, and one that I’ve realized I picked up along the way is the idea that for me to be safe, I need to be comfortable. My brain tells me that I’m not safe when I’m learning new things, or when I’m stepping outside of my comfort zone. In an effort to protect me, if something outside of my control happens, if I displease someone or do something I wish I hadn’t done, and on and on, my body begins to feel warm, manufacturing stress and body repercussions as a result, thanks to the voices in my head trying to protect me (in my Positive Intelligence work, we might say these would be my Judge and my Hyper-Vigilant saboteurs). 

Basically, life is behaving predictably and I’m getting stuff done, comfortably in my wise mind and/or a calm and neutral state, until BAM! Something I didn’t anticipate or wouldn’t have chosen happens. And then I have deeply wired mental patterns that start sending worry and panic and protective thoughts to me, which manifest physically in my body. 

Photo of a light sandy brown horse on the sand by Denitsa Kireva

I caught myself in one of these cycles yesterday at work. (Yay, isn’t it amazing that I’m catching myself in these unhealthy patterns? That’s the first step to changing them!) Once it happened, I did some of my mindfulness exercises to make sure I was fully present, to get me out of my head. And I also did a bit of self-talk, reminding myself with kindness that I’m safe to make mistakes, I’m safe at work generally, and I have so many blessings right now. I’m safe. Relax. Breathe. It’s okay that I feel a little uncomfortable right now. Nothing needs fixing in this moment. 

This is, as I reminded a client recently, a way that we can reparent ourselves. Even if our parents or caregivers are phenomenal, part of the human journey involves recognizing the unhelpful thoughts and patterns that we picked up along the way. Places where our younger self picked up a message that older us recognizes is no longer serving us. 

Maybe my fierce independence or my process for choosing what to do and not do was helpful for me as a kid. I have better awareness and more tools now. I have more resources, and I’m more aware of the people in my community who can support me in times of challenge. 

It can feel especially awkward to do this work when we know, in fact, that all is NOT okay. When our country is no longer recognizable, or when our neighbors are now spewing rhetoric that signifies something has shifted, and they aren’t who we thought they were. When our financial situation is precarious at best or our living situation or health insurance status makes us vulnerable.

In spite of all of that, we need to let our older, wiser selves guide us in our journeys. If we always lead from our animal instincts, or from the younger version of ourselves that hasn’ grown past 13 or 8 or 5, we are limiting our growth and the possibilities for ourselves as people. I know more than I did at 13, or 8, or 5. I can show compassion and love for my younger self and then make a wiser choice with the knowledge I have now. 

There are so many tools and resources in doing this work. Therapy can help. So can developing mental fitness practices and getting to understand the saboteurs that are getting in the way of a life you love. So can learning more about yourself and what’s possible through tools like the Enneagram. 

Does this resonate for you in this phase of life? Do you have a strategy or two you’re employing right now, or something you’d like to try to use in addressing it? 

Recent articles from me you might enjoy: 

Focus on joy (and keep resisting)

Rest and retreat

Finding and creating community

Let good enough be good enough

Creating space, allowing stillness

Anxious for the future? Quiet and control those hyper-vigilant thoughts

Finding gratitude while facing fascism

Enjoy the sun

10 ways your mind is messing with you

Joy as resistance

Focus on joy (and keep resisting)

| jamiefeinberg

Hi friends. This past week has been a lot. Are you doing okay? There is SO much in the news worth our attention right now, and I hope you’ve been able to care for yourself while also staying aware. It’s a fine balance, isn’t it? 

I sometimes use the 5 Calls app to help me to focus my attention and activism, and just today, my suggested options include calling my reps to “denounce Trump’s takeover of DC and demand statehood”, supporting LGBTQ+ rights with the Equality Act (especially important where the Supreme Court is considering taking away same-sex marriage), demanding fair maps in Texas and nationwide, and protecting the civil rights of the unhoused and mentally ill – not to mention ending the war and crisis in Gaza and supporting Ukraine! WOW. That’s not all of it – only the top several. Yikes. 

Photo description: Red PEI rocks in the foreground with grass, ocean beyond it (photo by Jamie Feinberg)

I remain convinced that it’s important for all of us to find ways that work for us to both stay connected to where the greater community needs us AND keep in touch with our own self-care. So this week, I want to encourage you to keep putting in committed, specific time to hear about the news and take action each week. But I ALSO want to remind you to put some of your focus on joy. 

For me, this might translate to making calls to my senators or house representatives or governor after I’ve completed my morning mediation and practices, before I begin my work day. It might be sharing a relevant article or post after I’ve taken some time to digest what’s going on in the world. 

But it also means being present to the goodness, the joy, the moment. Yesterday we had a heat warning here, with intense humidity exacerbating the situation. This made my walk home especially brutal, as it was like a wave of warm heat hitting my face when I stepped outside after work. While my brain kept trying to focus on how uncomfortable that was (a habit that comes easily to me as an Enneagram 1), I instead kept redirecting my attention to focus on what I was feeling, and ideally find gratitude in it. Every so often, a breeze would come through, and I’d tune in to the feeling of the wind on my back and my arms and my head, enjoying a brief reprieve from the stifling heat. I focused my attention on the beautiful blue sky and how it contrasted with the texture and shape of the green leaves on the trees. I celebrated that while my body felt uncomfortable in the heat, my muscles were easily cooperating as I took each step to walk home. My knees were happy. My shoes felt comfortable. I got moments of reprieve in the shade from the heat. 

I also used this practice midday yesterday. I experienced a challenging time at work, and rather than try to muscle through it, I took a brief break to get out of the building and walk around the block. It was warm, but there was a wonderful breeze at that hour, so I focused my attention on how nice the breeze felt and how nice it was to be outside instead of behind a desk for a few minutes. When I returned to my desk, I wasn’t completely “over” the incident, but it felt much less close to me, and I was able to enjoy my afternoon at work and bring more joy and compassion to my interactions with my colleagues. 

So now it’s your turn. How does this resonate with you? Where are you focusing right now? Is your focus habitual, or are you able to turn your attention from the news to the present moment with ease? What is or isn’t working for you right now? 

And if you’d like to learn more about the habitual patterns that keep you stuck, let’s connect. I’m happy to offer a Saboteur Assessment, or you can join me in learning about the patterns of your personality and how to break free of them using the Enneagram. 

Recent articles from me you might enjoy: 

Rest and retreat

Finding and creating community

Let good enough be good enough

Creating space, allowing stillness

Anxious for the future? Quiet and control those hyper-vigilant thoughts

Finding gratitude while facing fascism

Enjoy the sun

10 ways your mind is messing with you

Joy as resistance

Tell me when I can pre-order your book!