Simplifying

permission to pause

| jamiefeinberg

Whether you’re navigating health challenges or life challenges that are more intense or are just in the midst of the more typical year-end, holiday pressures and commitments that usually seem to define this time of year: today I am giving you permission to pause. 

Photo of snowy trees by by Adam Lukac

Want to take a nap, but feeling guilty about everything remaining on your to-do list? This is your permission slip. 

Got an invite to another holiday party, but feeling like you’d rather stay home in your PJs? Skip it. Let them know you’ve got another commitment. (You don’t have to tell them it’s a commitment to your own self-care if you don’t want to.) 

Feeling pressured to make a decision? Let them know you’ll need another day or another week (or whatever time feels right) before you’ll be able to get back to them about it. 

Pause. 

There is so much worthy of our attention, but we are human beings and we have limits, friends. As much as we may try to push them regularly. As much as we may be known as the “busy” person in our circle of friends. 

Your friends and family love you, even if you have to skip a commitment because you’re getting a cold or you need another night to sleep or rest ahead of an important event. 

Permission to pause. Take your permission slip, and use it whenever you need it. It doesn’t expire. 

Does this resonate with you? If so, let a friend who could use the reminder know about it. 
Want some support navigating boundaries and helping you to bring your dreams to life?  Come grab your free session with me.

A grounding practice for winter

| jamiefeinberg

Friends, my head is so in the clouds that I entirely forgot to write a blog post earlier this week. So as I often do, I pondered what I could use support with today, and I think it’s definitely time to move out of my head and into my body. So, I hope this practice is helpful, either as a practice to try on or as inspiration to find your own practices when you need them.

If you’re someone who struggles to meditate, if it’s accessible for you, consider doing some vigorous exercise (at least enough to get your heart rate up) before doing the exercise below. I find that if I’ve already gotten my blood pumping, it’s easier to me to slow down and tap into my wise mind. I have less swirling thoughts that way.Subscribed

Here’s the practice in written form, or you can listen to the meditation as well here.

Begin by stopping. Allow yourself to pay attention to your breath. Observe the inhale and the exhale. Notice the temperature of your breath. Observe the rhythm. In, and out. In and out.

Make a commitment to you, right now. To taking time for you. When intrusive thoughts, or any thoughts, start to pop in, let them go.

Find a quiet place to sit, a comfy position to take, if you haven’t yet. Close your eyes if that feels comfortable for you to do so. Feel the surface beneath you. Observe its texture, and feel the weight of your body on whatever surface it is on.

Feel your limbs, wherever they are. Observe any tension you’re holding onto. Notice the sensations of your body.

Find your toes, if you’ve got some. Give them a wiggle. Notice the muscles that get involved when we wiggle our toes. See how many of them you can find.

Listen to the sounds around you. Notice the close sounds. Notice the far sounds. Notice the sound of your own breath.

Take a moment to give yourself a hug. Feel the physical sensations of touch, weight, and maybe even notice the temperatures you feel.

Relax your limbs. As you breathe in and out, do a quick body scan to notice any tension you’re holding onto, from your head all the way down your torso and into your feet. If you’d like to, breathe into the spots where you feel tension. Observe the sensations that call your attention.

Gently and being careful not to hurt yourself, tighten the muscles of your body, from your head down into your feet. Observe what it feels like to hold those sensations. See what small details you can be present to.

Relax. Relax all the muscles, and notice what differences you feel now that you’ve let go of that extra tension.

If you’re comfortable doing so, this is a beautiful time to choose a positive phrase to repeat a few times, in your head or out loud (which can be even better for grounding purposes). A message like “I am enough” or “I am grateful” or “I am loved” or anything else that resonates for you can work.

When you’re ready, if you have your eyes closed, open them. Focus your attention on an object in front of you, or near you. Notice the details of it – the color, texture, shadows. See if you can observe a detail you haven’t noticed before. No need to analyze it – just allow yourself to take it in with your eyes, with attention.

Find a new object to focus on. Observe its color, its texture. Allow any extra thoughts to float away.

And now, before you return to your regularly scheduled day, allow yourself a moment to observe how you are feeling in this moment. Consider if you’d like to take a pause like this more often in your day.

That’s it, folks. I’d love to hear if you appreciated this today, and whether you’d like more recordings like this one.

To learn more about mental fitness and mindfulness, take a saboteur assessment.

Work with me

Take good care. Keep resisting.

The antidote for anxiety is presence

| jamiefeinberg

Friends, there is so much this week. As I write this, we’re facing a possible shutdown, which feels especially precarious for our transgender and non-binary friends right now. Whatever the situation is as you’re reading this, I’m sure you can name off at least a half dozen other causes for concern. I called my reps this morning, and I’m sure I will continue to in the days to come. 

I’m going to focus though, today, on remembering that the antidote for anxiety is presence. When I’m catching myself in thought spirals about what might happen and what we might need to do about it and how awful this or that could be and what about this, the way out is for me to be fully present to where I am right now. 

This is an absolutely gorgeous time of year on PEI. This past week, I got to spend many days exploring our beautiful province with my mom and my aunt, both up visiting from the United States. Together, we got to smell the flowers and the ocean, listen to the sound of the waves, share lots of hugs, eat lots of tasty meals, and admire all of the beauty here. We even enjoyed happy hour at the Grotto, on a floating dock on the harbor, having a bite and a drink while we admired/were stunned by the three huge cruise ships in port in front of us. 

Whether we were singing together at the singalong I led on Friday night or driving across PEI, with plenty of stops for ice cream and flowers, we were practicing presence. 

Vacation days are a luxury we don’t all have. But can you notice the flowers? Can you observe and enjoy the sensation of your breath moving in and out? 

I hope you can find some time to be present when the world feels like too much. 

If that feels impossible, I have a lot of tools that can help you to do that work and tune in. Let’s start with a saboteur assessment. 

And in the meantime? Enjoy some pretty photos from our adventures this past week. Thanks so much for coming, Mom and Aunt Gail! It was so lovely to have you here. 

Work with me

Sign up for a saboteur assessment 

My favorite Enneagram resources

[Photo descriptions: two stunning blue flowers on a bush at our visit to PEI Preserve Co.’s gardens, Ross, me, my mom, and my Aunt Gail at dinner at the Island Resto, me talking and leading a speakeasy singalong amongst gorgeous antique furnishings, 3 delicious flavors from Holman’s Ice Cream, a loaded baked potato with a side of their homemade chips (apparently at the Potato Museum, we do potato as a side with our potato!), me and my mom posing at the stunning Dunes Gallery, more photos of oranges and pinks at the Dunes, my mom and my aunt pose in the garden, the work of art that was my lunch at their restaurant]

discerning the next right thing

| jamiefeinberg

As I draft this message, I’m sorting through more than a dozen headlines that are truly alarming me. An administration focused on finding a “cause” for autism ignores science and research and makes me feel ill as someone with many loved ones who are autistic. Would it be a bad thing if we found a new treatment to help someone struggling with speech? Not necessarily. But not at the expense of recognizing that autistic people are just as valid as anyone else. Not while we repeat lie after lie after lie.  

Photo by Jamie Feinberg: Flowers of several colors on a bush during a recent walk

If you believe in God, remember that autistic people are also children of God. If you believe each of us has a unique purpose on this planet, that means they have one too. And especially where so many of the people who have changed the world with their innovations and creativity are autistic, it’s bonkers to do anything but acknowledge that as a society, we owe it to autistic people and to all of us to do better in accommodating the unique learning styles, communication styles, and all the things that make them and us who we are. 

We all benefit when we learn to pause before jumping to conclusions and acting on the first hurtful idea that came to us, inevitably driven by our fear. We all benefit when we listen to people who are different from us. We all benefit when we seek to create systems that support all of us in our uniqueness. This is universal design. Automatic buttons on doors help someone in a wheelchair, someone with little children, and someone who has their arms full of books or grocery bags. Clearly labeled directions help us all. Wide entrances and seats accommodate all bodies better. Creative classroom teaching incorporating all learning styles makes for more engaging lessons that will stick for all children, not just the ones who need accommodations we haven’t traditionally offered. 

I am also truly, truly afraid for our trans and non-binary family and friends in the United States. It’s very possible the Supreme Court will heed Trump’s call and issue an “emergency” verdict quickly that will require passport markers that defy reason and will put thousands and thousands of people into significant danger when negotiating travel. If you’re Christian, you know that Jesus truly loved everyone. He’d love you if you were autistic. If you were gay. If you were trans. If you were an adulterer. If you were sick. If you were late to join and follow him. He loved and forgave and saw the humanity and goodness in each of us. 

Seeing multiple lynchings and more school shootings in the news is also horrendous. We cannot pretend that the civil rights movement and the words of MLK didn’t advance our society for the better! No one is any better than anyone else, due to skin color or any other factor. And how so many people mourn for one divisive person while overlooking what a terrifying time it is to be a student or a teacher? 

Now is the time, instead of giving into fear, to take good care of ourselves, doing work to go inward, to keep ourselves in a good place, and to listen to the wisest, best part of ourselves. Who can we stand up for? Who needs our help? (And that may be ourselves!) Take time to get quiet with yourself and listen to your inner wisdom. We need it now more than ever. 

One tool I use frequently when it’s hard to know what the next right thing I should do is would be to tune in to the future version of me. I like to ask an older version of myself, decades in the future, questions like “What matters most here?” or “What’s the most important thing for me to accomplish this week?”. 

If that feels daunting, or laughable, or inauthentic, I have a lot of tools that can help you to do that work and tune in. Let’s start with a saboteur assessment. 

What helps you to discern what’s next when the world is full of challenges in need of attention? 

Work with me

Sign up for a saboteur assessment 

My favorite Enneagram resources

Be (Your Best) You

| jamiefeinberg

Hi friends. I’m heading out of town this weekend, and I was tempted to skip an update, but a friend reminded me how much she is inspired by my posts. And that’s why I do it. So let’s go! 

I often look at what others up to in the world and wonder if my own contribution really matters. Some people are making major donations or putting in dozens of volunteer hours each month. Some people have attained significantly more followers than I even dream of. Some people invent things, or have written life-changing books or programs that have affected millions. 

But fairly quickly when my mind starts to drift this way, I remember that I am not here to worry about whether or not I measure up beside someone else. 

I am here to be me. I am here, in fact, to be the best version of me that I can be today. 

Photo: Small lighthouse on the left, with a dirt path leading down to the water next to and a setting sun peeking through a tree. Everything looks golden in the light. Photo by Jamie Feinberg.

I am a uniquely creative, spontaneous, motivational, energetic, friendly human. I bridge divides. I lead by example AND I lead with vulnerability. 

One of the things my Enneagram and my mental fitness work teach me is that we all have a unique, special, wise being inside us. You might call it a soul. We are as unique as a fingerprint. You may have been through a lot of hard stuff along the way that required you to pick up armor and tools. Those tools may not be serving you as well as they used to, and letting them go is the work of a lifetime. But we all have that unique, beautiful, wise being inside of us. 

When you strive to “be better”, who is the voice you’re listening to? Is it society? Your parents? Your friends? A coach?  Or is it yourself? 

It’s easy to get lost in the possibilities of how you can best make your mark in the world under these extraordinary circumstances. And it’s easy to get overwhelmed and, for some of us with the privilege to do so, even give up and give in. 

As you work discerning the next right thing for you to do today, and this week, and this month, and even beyond, make sure you stop and get present somehow. Listen to the inner wisdom – not your inner judge. Or the judgment of others. 

I make the biggest and best mark on the world when I am authentically me. And I see that when others do the same, it’s also when they are fulfilling their own unique purpose and place in the world. 

Need some guidance listening to your inner compass? A coach is such a beautiful way to get there, and I’d love to support you. 

Work with me

Sign up for a saboteur assessment 

My favorite Enneagram resources 

Thanks for reading, and take good care. Follow that inner guide, one step at a time.

Rest and retreat

| jamiefeinberg

Last week I talked about the importance of finding, and sometimes creating, community. But this week, I’m thinking about the importance of rest and even of creating space for a retreat. 

I recognize the immense privilege when we talk about taking time off, of course. When we’re in survival mode, we do the work we need to, even if we know it’s sabotaging our health (physical, mental or otherwise). But if you’re in a position where you have the luxury of time, or where you even have paid time off at your disposal (even if you aren’t encouraged to take it), I’m here to encourage you to do so – and to do so intentionally. 

Photo description: Victoria Park boardwalk, Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island (photo by Jamie Feinberg)

Until a few years back, I wasn’t aware that there are different kinds of burnout, or that there are different kinds of rest. (The book Burnout was one of many that turned me on to this.) One of the ways I am aware that I’m currently experiencing burnout is that I am avoiding extra opportunities for reading. When I’m in my “normal” state, I do some reading almost every morning. But for the past month or so, I’ve found myself avoiding reading, unless it’s for work, or particularly for one of my Enneagram groups. 

When this happens, I take it as a little warning sign, an alert for myself. “Danger! Danger! Something isn’t right here!” You may notice yourself avoiding other tasks when you’re tired or burned out. Maybe it’s hard to motivate yourself to cook, or to clean the shower, or to pay a bill. It’s easy for some of us to beat ourselves up when we catch ourselves avoiding doing things. But a better option, a wiser option, would be to take it as an alert only, and then either a) file the info away, until we can do something about it, and accept it for now, or b) do something about it. And for me, I’ve found that when we’re talking about burnout, the most effective thing to do is to rest or, sometimes, to spend some time in an energizing activity. (Or maybe it’s a little of both – some rest with a fun or energizing activity, perhaps?) 

The Enneagram practitioner whose work hooked me early on was Suzanne Stabile, and this weekend is her annual Bootcamp. Bootcamp is both in-person (Dallas, Texas) and a virtual event, so if you can’t swing flights or just want to avoid getting arrested or disappeared while traveling, you can still attend. I’ve attended several of these events, as well as other virtual events they’ve offered, and they’re always well-worth my time. 

Even though the event will be recorded, there’s nothing like watching a great speaker live, even in a virtual room, surrounded by other (virtual) participants devoted to doing the work to become better people. So while I may fall asleep tonight watching (due to the time difference), you know that much of this weekend, I’ll be online, listening and learning with other Enneagram practitioners. 

I am grateful I was able to take the day off today to be a part of the event live. No, it won’t be a paid day off. But I plan to do some of my favorite things, spend some time in nature, enjoy some tasty treats and meals, and learn more about myself, through Suzanne’s wise words. 

Sometimes resting looks like a Netflix binge. But sometimes, we get more rest from a walk in nature, a group meditation, or even a literal nap. Tuning in, to our bodies and minds and our needs, right now is essential. 

Are you able to get some rest this summer? What does rest or retreat mean to you right now? 

Recent articles from me you might enjoy: 

Finding and creating community

Let good enough be good enough

Creating space, allowing stillness

Anxious for the future? Quiet and control those hyper-vigilant thoughts

Finding gratitude while facing fascism

Enjoy the sun

10 ways your mind is messing with you

Joy as resistance

Tell me when I can pre-order your book!

Let good enough be good enough

| jamiefeinberg

In brainstorming what to explore here, some weeks it just comes to me. Other weeks aren’t as obvious. Today, I asked myself what I needed to hear right now, and that’s how the title came to me: let good enough be good enough. 

Photo of assorted flowers and trees in a neighborhood park by Jamie Feinberg

According to the Enneagram, a tool for personal growth I’ve been studying for more than five years now, some people (known as Type 1s) heard a very particular message when they were children – “it isn’t okay to make mistakes”. In spite of the best intentions, so often, in our families of origin, we manage to internalize the idea that there’s a problem if we make mistakes. So as a protective mechanism, some of us become perfectionistic. And yet when we do so, this overfocus on perfecting ourselves, perfecting those around us, or being a great role model for others means that we lose ourselves along the way, becoming less confident and unbalanced as a result, and more obsessed with control, repression, and worry. 

But we don’t need to be a “type 1” for us to pick up the message that it isn’t safe for us to make mistakes. Maybe it’s because of the color of our skin that we’ve internalized that message, or maybe we have a neurodivergent brain that isn’t understood by those around us. Maybe a domineering parent or an unsafe environment at school or at home contribute to it. 

One of the things, therefore, that I benefit a lot from, and that you may too, is remembering that most of the time, it’s best to let good enough be good enough. 

In my mental fitness work, we say only 20% of tasks, at most, need us to do them perfectly (or close to it). For the remaining 80% of tasks, the healthy and reasonable thing is to let good enough be good enough. 

Especially when I’m feeling stressed or navigating a lot of extra potential stressors already, I know I need to remember and heed this message. 

Here are a few ways I’ve “let good enough be good enough”. I hope these inspire you and you’ll try it on for size: 

  • Have time for a fancier meal? On the fence about whether it’s worth it to put in the extra effort? Keep it simple. Your body and mind will thank you later. 
  • Not sure your wording of that email is perfection? Is the email being sent to someone who already knows your work? Can you afford to have an imperfect word or two in this email? Let it go, and send it. 
  • Struggling to choose the right outfit for a night out? Consider the “needs” involved, and then just choose something. It doesn’t need to be the best outfit you’ve ever worn. Let good enough be good enough. 
  • Prioritize cleaning the most highly-trafficked areas and the most visible ones in your living space. No one but my husband and I have to put up with a messy bedroom, so it isn’t usually a priority. 
  • Showing up to a meeting less prepared than usual is still (usually) better than not showing up. If it’s still a value add, I show up – and I include a brief apology if it feels called for. 
  • Didn’t accomplish all my goals today? Didn’t get outside as much as I intended? Didn’t get to finish that project? No point in beating myself up about it. Let it go – I did good enough (or well enough) today. 

Does this resonate with you too? Is “let good enough be good enough” helpful for you? And if not, what do you think is the message you’d benefit from hearing or repeating right now? And if you know your Enneagram number, has that helped you to get clear about this? 

P.S. If you don’t know your number but would like to learn it in the company of others on their own personal journeys of growth, learn more about working with me here. And if you know your number but are still seeking community, I lead both an Enneagram Book Club and mental fitness groups. 

Recent articles from me you might enjoy: 

Creating space, allowing stillness

Anxious for the future? Quiet and control those hyper-vigilant thoughts

Finding gratitude while facing fascism

Enjoy the sun

10 ways your mind is messing with you

Joy as resistance

Tell me when I can pre-order your book!

Creating space, allowing stillness

| jamiefeinberg

I’m reading a book in one of my Enneagram groups, and it has reminded me of the importance of allowing stillness and silence in my day to day life. As an Enneagram 1/type A go-getter who is constantly DOING things, it is not my habit to pause. And like so many of us, I am getting more and more used to distraction. I might turn on a video while cooking, a podcast while walking, or pull out a book in between work projects. 

But what I was reminded of today, and what has been useful, is that God or our inner wise one (insert your language of choice) is found in the stillness. Without pauses, we can’t get in tune with what’s best for us. And infuriatingly, we cannot will those wise revelations to show up in our lives. All we can do is practice pausing. Then we can leave it to the universe to do what it will with us. 

Photo of red, purple and yellow tulips by Pixabay

When my internet is being slow as I work today, I am trying to choose stillness instead of distracting myself while I wait for things to load. 

When I am not sure what to do next, I am trying to breathe and sit. Let me find the answer in stillness, because it isn’t coming in the “doing”. 

How do you create space? Are you allowing stillness or silence? If not, what’s one small way you’d like to try it? 

Recent articles from me you might enjoy: 

Anxious for the future? Quiet and control those hyper-vigilant thoughts

Finding gratitude while facing fascism

Enjoy the sun

10 ways your mind is messing with you

Joy as resistance

Tell me when I can pre-order your book!

P.S. Want some support in finding stillness? Let’s chat!

Anxious for the future? Quiet and conquer those hyper-vigilant thoughts

| jamiefeinberg

This past week was a beautiful juxtaposition for me. Maybe it was for you too? I had family in town, and I was so privileged to spend time with them, to go out to eat or for a drive and even to a speakeasy, and otherwise to run around playing tourist and share my beautiful local community with my mom and my sister. 

Photo of my sister, my mom, myself and my husband seated on an antique couch at a local speakeasy, Reddins

At the same time that I got to spend time with them, I was aware of the devastating cuts that have passed the House and could potentially pass the Senate of the United States in the guise of a “big beautiful bill” that will actually take away the protections built into our constitution (in irrevocable ways) and steal essential resources, including environmental resources, from the poor and middle class to give tax breaks to the wealthy. 

If I had allowed myself to focus on the potentially horrendous future ahead of us, I wouldn’t have been able to enjoy my time with my family. Thankfully, I’m well-practiced in mental fitness techniques, and even with the extra stressors that can pop up when interacting with family (due to old childhood patterns) or in being in new environments, I felt very equipped to enjoy my time with them. 

So today, I thought I’d explore the saboteur that can often be at play when navigating these challenging times, as well as some ways to combat those thoughts and patterns as they arise, in hopes that it can help you too. 

In the words of Positive Intelligence, “Saboteurs are deeply ingrained patterns of thinking and behavior that limit your potential and hinder your ability to perform at your best. They are internal critics that operate based on fear, self-doubt, and negative self-talk. Saboteur patterns can take various forms, such as the Avoider, the Hyper-Achiever, the Victim, and more. Each Saboteur has a unique way of sabotaging your wellbeing and success.”

Vigilance itself can be a very wise characteristic. Businesses, individuals, families, and other organizations benefit from people with the skill to be paying attention to future possibilities and preparing for them in a wise way. 

But the Hyper-Vigilant Saboteur is perpetually alert, constantly scanning the horizon for any threats and anxious about what can go wrong. The Hyper-Vigilant Saboteur becomes chronically stressed, and by doubting yourself and other people, the saboteur makes sure that you aren’t able to be present, relax, or enjoy the present moment. 

While these saboteurs originated as a way to protect us and keep us safe in childhood, when we overly rely on one type of behavior, it becomes disproportionate and gets in the way of our ability to enjoy life and to be efficient and effective. The Hyper-Vigilant Saboteur can look like the “boy who cried wolf”, getting anxious about EVERY possibility and potentially missing the true, actual dangers that deserve our focus and attention. 

A 24/7 news cycle is built for those of us with a strong Hyper-Vigilant Saboteur. The news media focus on the negative and seize on our fear to keep us watching, reading, and tuning in. This makes us suspicious of other people and question our own safety and our own ability to weather the storm. You may feel skeptical or anxious or even constantly worrying thanks to this saboteur. 

If you find your own anxious thoughts getting in the way of your ability to enjoy your present company, there are a few things you can do to help the situation: 

  1. When you catch the anxious thought patterns repeating themselves, stop and let those negative thoughts go. Recognizing that these are your saboteurs and your saboteurs’ limiting beliefs is the first step. (This is what we study and practice in my mental fitness programs.) 
  2. Take a ten second break to hyper-focus on your senses. This is mindfulness, but with extra focus. Feel the sensation of the wind in your hair or observe the inhale and exhale of your breath. Command your mind to be fully present on the colors or textures in front of you. (I teach some of these techniques when we complete a Saboteur Assessment. Consider joining me!) 

Here are some other ideas for conquering your Hyper-Vigilant Saboteur: 

  • Practice mindfulness – take a walk, meditate, do a body scan, mindfully enjoy a drink or a meal
  • Practice being present and discerning between true threats and the dangers you perceive. Take a breath and pause before deciding how to proceed in each situation
  • Find ways to challenge worst-case scenario thinking: consider alternatives, consider what’s likely,, or even follow your worst-case scenario thinking and then imagine how you’d handle it or how realistic that is
  • Ask a friend, or a coach, or a therapist for support and their perspective
  • Move from worrying and anxious thoughts to taking meaningful and specific actions

Though by adulthood, the neural pathways of our saboteurs are well-worn and well-honed, we can learn to create new neural pathways and build new habits using the wiser part of our mind. We are more than our saboteurs. And the more we do this work, the more joy we can find in the everyday moments, like a meal with those we love. 

Recent articles from me you might enjoy: 

Enjoy the sun

10 ways your mind is messing with you

Joy as resistance

Take a saboteur assessment or learn more about working with me

Tell me when I can pre-order your book!