Crafting The Life You Want: A Practice in Living

Anxious for the future? Quiet and control those hyper-vigilant thoughts

Focus on joy (and keep resisting)

Teaching myself it can be safe to be uncomfortable

August 22, 2025August 21, 2025 | jamiefeinberg

We all pick up all sorts of messages in childhood, usually subconscious, and one that I’ve realized I picked up along the way is the idea that for me to be safe, I need to be comfortable. My brain tells me that I’m not safe when I’m learning new things, or when I’m stepping outside of my comfort zone. In an effort to protect me, if something outside of my control happens, if I displease someone or do something I wish I hadn’t done, and on and on, my body begins to feel warm, manufacturing stress and body repercussions as a result, thanks to the voices in my head trying to protect me (in my Positive Intelligence work, we might say these would be my Judge and my Hyper-Vigilant saboteurs).

Basically, life is behaving predictably and I’m getting stuff done, comfortably in my wise mind and/or a calm and neutral state, until BAM! Something I didn’t anticipate or wouldn’t have chosen happens. And then I have deeply wired mental patterns that start sending worry and panic and protective thoughts to me, which manifest physically in my body.

Photo of a light sandy brown horse on the sand by Denitsa Kireva

I caught myself in one of these cycles yesterday at work. (Yay, isn’t it amazing that I’m catching myself in these unhealthy patterns? That’s the first step to changing them!) Once it happened, I did some of my mindfulness exercises to make sure I was fully present, to get me out of my head. And I also did a bit of self-talk, reminding myself with kindness that I’m safe to make mistakes, I’m safe at work generally, and I have so many blessings right now. I’m safe. Relax. Breathe. It’s okay that I feel a little uncomfortable right now. Nothing needs fixing in this moment.

This is, as I reminded a client recently, a way that we can reparent ourselves. Even if our parents or caregivers are phenomenal, part of the human journey involves recognizing the unhelpful thoughts and patterns that we picked up along the way. Places where our younger self picked up a message that older us recognizes is no longer serving us.

Maybe my fierce independence or my process for choosing what to do and not do was helpful for me as a kid. I have better awareness and more tools now. I have more resources, and I’m more aware of the people in my community who can support me in times of challenge.

It can feel especially awkward to do this work when we know, in fact, that all is NOT okay. When our country is no longer recognizable, or when our neighbors are now spewing rhetoric that signifies something has shifted, and they aren’t who we thought they were. When our financial situation is precarious at best or our living situation or health insurance status makes us vulnerable.

In spite of all of that, we need to let our older, wiser selves guide us in our journeys. If we always lead from our animal instincts, or from the younger version of ourselves that hasn’ grown past 13 or 8 or 5, we are limiting our growth and the possibilities for ourselves as people. I know more than I did at 13, or 8, or 5. I can show compassion and love for my younger self and then make a wiser choice with the knowledge I have now.

There are so many tools and resources in doing this work. Therapy can help. So can developing mental fitness practices and getting to understand the saboteurs that are getting in the way of a life you love. So can learning more about yourself and what’s possible through tools like the Enneagram.

Does this resonate for you in this phase of life? Do you have a strategy or two you’re employing right now, or something you’d like to try to use in addressing it?

Recent articles from me you might enjoy:

Rest and retreat

Anxious for the future? Quiet and control those hyper-vigilant thoughts

Focus on joy (and keep resisting)

August 15, 2025August 14, 2025 | jamiefeinberg

Hi friends. This past week has been a lot. Are you doing okay? There is SO much in the news worth our attention right now, and I hope you’ve been able to care for yourself while also staying aware. It’s a fine balance, isn’t it?

I sometimes use the 5 Calls app to help me to focus my attention and activism, and just today, my suggested options include calling my reps to “denounce Trump’s takeover of DC and demand statehood”, supporting LGBTQ+ rights with the Equality Act (especially important where the Supreme Court is considering taking away same-sex marriage), demanding fair maps in Texas and nationwide, and protecting the civil rights of the unhoused and mentally ill – not to mention ending the war and crisis in Gaza and supporting Ukraine! WOW. That’s not all of it – only the top several. Yikes.

Photo description: Red PEI rocks in the foreground with grass, ocean beyond it (photo by Jamie Feinberg)

I remain convinced that it’s important for all of us to find ways that work for us to both stay connected to where the greater community needs us AND keep in touch with our own self-care. So this week, I want to encourage you to keep putting in committed, specific time to hear about the news and take action each week. But I ALSO want to remind you to put some of your focus on joy.

For me, this might translate to making calls to my senators or house representatives or governor after I’ve completed my morning mediation and practices, before I begin my work day. It might be sharing a relevant article or post after I’ve taken some time to digest what’s going on in the world.

But it also means being present to the goodness, the joy, the moment. Yesterday we had a heat warning here, with intense humidity exacerbating the situation. This made my walk home especially brutal, as it was like a wave of warm heat hitting my face when I stepped outside after work. While my brain kept trying to focus on how uncomfortable that was (a habit that comes easily to me as an Enneagram 1), I instead kept redirecting my attention to focus on what I was feeling, and ideally find gratitude in it. Every so often, a breeze would come through, and I’d tune in to the feeling of the wind on my back and my arms and my head, enjoying a brief reprieve from the stifling heat. I focused my attention on the beautiful blue sky and how it contrasted with the texture and shape of the green leaves on the trees. I celebrated that while my body felt uncomfortable in the heat, my muscles were easily cooperating as I took each step to walk home. My knees were happy. My shoes felt comfortable. I got moments of reprieve in the shade from the heat.

I also used this practice midday yesterday. I experienced a challenging time at work, and rather than try to muscle through it, I took a brief break to get out of the building and walk around the block. It was warm, but there was a wonderful breeze at that hour, so I focused my attention on how nice the breeze felt and how nice it was to be outside instead of behind a desk for a few minutes. When I returned to my desk, I wasn’t completely “over” the incident, but it felt much less close to me, and I was able to enjoy my afternoon at work and bring more joy and compassion to my interactions with my colleagues.

So now it’s your turn. How does this resonate with you? Where are you focusing right now? Is your focus habitual, or are you able to turn your attention from the news to the present moment with ease? What is or isn’t working for you right now?

And if you’d like to learn more about the habitual patterns that keep you stuck, let’s connect. I’m happy to offer a Saboteur Assessment, or you can join me in learning about the patterns of your personality and how to break free of them using the Enneagram.

Recent articles from me you might enjoy:

Rest and retreat

Anxious for the future? Quiet and control those hyper-vigilant thoughts

Rest and retreat

August 8, 2025August 7, 2025 | jamiefeinberg

Last week I talked about the importance of finding, and sometimes creating, community. But this week, I’m thinking about the importance of rest and even of creating space for a retreat.

I recognize the immense privilege when we talk about taking time off, of course. When we’re in survival mode, we do the work we need to, even if we know it’s sabotaging our health (physical, mental or otherwise). But if you’re in a position where you have the luxury of time, or where you even have paid time off at your disposal (even if you aren’t encouraged to take it), I’m here to encourage you to do so – and to do so intentionally.

Photo description: Victoria Park boardwalk, Charlottetown, Prince Edward Island (photo by Jamie Feinberg)

Until a few years back, I wasn’t aware that there are different kinds of burnout, or that there are different kinds of rest. (The book Burnout was one of many that turned me on to this.) One of the ways I am aware that I’m currently experiencing burnout is that I am avoiding extra opportunities for reading. When I’m in my “normal” state, I do some reading almost every morning. But for the past month or so, I’ve found myself avoiding reading, unless it’s for work, or particularly for one of my Enneagram groups.

When this happens, I take it as a little warning sign, an alert for myself. “Danger! Danger! Something isn’t right here!” You may notice yourself avoiding other tasks when you’re tired or burned out. Maybe it’s hard to motivate yourself to cook, or to clean the shower, or to pay a bill. It’s easy for some of us to beat ourselves up when we catch ourselves avoiding doing things. But a better option, a wiser option, would be to take it as an alert only, and then either a) file the info away, until we can do something about it, and accept it for now, or b) do something about it. And for me, I’ve found that when we’re talking about burnout, the most effective thing to do is to rest or, sometimes, to spend some time in an energizing activity. (Or maybe it’s a little of both – some rest with a fun or energizing activity, perhaps?)

The Enneagram practitioner whose work hooked me early on was Suzanne Stabile, and this weekend is her annual Bootcamp. Bootcamp is both in-person (Dallas, Texas) and a virtual event, so if you can’t swing flights or just want to avoid getting arrested or disappeared while traveling, you can still attend. I’ve attended several of these events, as well as other virtual events they’ve offered, and they’re always well-worth my time.

Even though the event will be recorded, there’s nothing like watching a great speaker live, even in a virtual room, surrounded by other (virtual) participants devoted to doing the work to become better people. So while I may fall asleep tonight watching (due to the time difference), you know that much of this weekend, I’ll be online, listening and learning with other Enneagram practitioners.

I am grateful I was able to take the day off today to be a part of the event live. No, it won’t be a paid day off. But I plan to do some of my favorite things, spend some time in nature, enjoy some tasty treats and meals, and learn more about myself, through Suzanne’s wise words.

Sometimes resting looks like a Netflix binge. But sometimes, we get more rest from a walk in nature, a group meditation, or even a literal nap. Tuning in, to our bodies and minds and our needs, right now is essential.

Are you able to get some rest this summer? What does rest or retreat mean to you right now?

Recent articles from me you might enjoy:

Anxious for the future? Quiet and control those hyper-vigilant thoughts

Finding and creating community

August 1, 2025 | jamiefeinberg

Have you ever struggled to make friends? Have you ever found yourself without a person to call or text, without a ride to an appointment or someone to vent to when you had a hard day?

I think it’s fair to say that all of us have felt this way at some point in time, and some of us have felt is very often. If we are a member of the queer community, or BIPOC in a setting where that isn’t the norm, or disabled, etc. etc. etc., we might feel this struggle even more frequently.

I’m someone who has frequently created events as a way to bring people together and do something fun. I started all sorts of clubs on the playground and in my neighborhood and at my middle school. I staged a musical revue as a secret way to make friends when I moved into a new community in my early twenties. So for me, I can’t help but bring my creativity to the table when I think about how we build community.

Photo description: I (Jamie Feinberg) bumped into these sweet daisies, a bit of nature by the pavement on my walk

I’m thinking about the role of community right now a lot, especially because it’s Pride Week here on Prince Edward Island, a week (or even ten days!) full of intentional community-building and fellowship. On Sunday, I led a queer-centered showtunes singalong, sitting at the piano in the middle of a room full of musical theater fans. I shared tidbits and stories about queer writers, queer characters and queer performers in musical theater, interspersed with anecdotes about my own experiences seeing and performing musical theater. The previous day, I spent my morning in the Pride Parade, handing out candy attached to rainbow-colored flyers promoting our singalong.

Being a member of the 2SLGBTQIA+ community (that’s what we usually say here in Canada, but insert your own acronym as preferred) can present all sorts of challenges, but for a week or two each year, we are SO lucky to feel safe and seen enough to gather in community. When my husband and I first moved to Canada, I knew I needed to find my people, and I did so through music. I felt a nudge to join a chorus again, and that’s where I met most of my friends. We’d been here for less than a year when we experienced our first Pride Week on PEI, and for both my husband and I, that was a transformative moment. We were so proud, and we felt so welcomed, so seen. We knew we were home.

Community for me can be found making music, gathering in queer spaces, in Jewish spaces, in community with theater artists, and sometimes at the intersection of all of these things. We can find community in coffee shops and speakeasies, in nature and at play. And when our communities are being threatened, we show up for each other, just like others have shown up for us.

A few years back, I wrote up a bunch of tips for making friends if you’re childfree, and the tips actually work really well for anyone who’s seeking to find community. (The full article is here.) I think it’s important, now more than ever, to have a variety of friends, in a variety of spaces. Know who you trust, and in what capacity. Know where you can go regularly to experience joy.

I will also mention that the more intersections of communities that apply to you (for example, queer + Black or trans+ disabled), you may find it even more challenging to find communities where other people are dealing with the same stuff you are. I hope that even if you find that some people in your community don’t look like you or struggle with the same exact things, that you can still find “your people” – the people who love you and trust you and have your back, regardless of what you have in common.

I will also reiterate here, that while I know it can be cliche and even dangerous sometimes when people say they are a “safe space”, I am truly trying to do the work to be a safe space. I may not be trans, I may not be Black, I may not have your exact struggles, but I hope that I can offer you community if you desire it.

Coaching and mental fitness training have been an extraordinary place for me to build community and to foster it, for myself and for others. If you’re interested, I’d love to talk to you about the ways we can study the Enneagram or do mental fitness work or other types of coaching together.

Whether you decide to start your own knitting group, join a book club, or learn to swim, I hope you have found or are finding your community. Have any tips for others? Please share them.

Recent articles from me you might enjoy:

Anxious for the future? Quiet and control those hyper-vigilant thoughts

Let good enough be good enough

July 18, 2025 | jamiefeinberg

In brainstorming what to explore here, some weeks it just comes to me. Other weeks aren’t as obvious. Today, I asked myself what I needed to hear right now, and that’s how the title came to me: let good enough be good enough.

Photo of assorted flowers and trees in a neighborhood park by Jamie Feinberg

According to the Enneagram, a tool for personal growth I’ve been studying for more than five years now, some people (known as Type 1s) heard a very particular message when they were children – “it isn’t okay to make mistakes”. In spite of the best intentions, so often, in our families of origin, we manage to internalize the idea that there’s a problem if we make mistakes. So as a protective mechanism, some of us become perfectionistic. And yet when we do so, this overfocus on perfecting ourselves, perfecting those around us, or being a great role model for others means that we lose ourselves along the way, becoming less confident and unbalanced as a result, and more obsessed with control, repression, and worry.

But we don’t need to be a “type 1” for us to pick up the message that it isn’t safe for us to make mistakes. Maybe it’s because of the color of our skin that we’ve internalized that message, or maybe we have a neurodivergent brain that isn’t understood by those around us. Maybe a domineering parent or an unsafe environment at school or at home contribute to it.

One of the things, therefore, that I benefit a lot from, and that you may too, is remembering that most of the time, it’s best to let good enough be good enough.

In my mental fitness work, we say only 20% of tasks, at most, need us to do them perfectly (or close to it). For the remaining 80% of tasks, the healthy and reasonable thing is to let good enough be good enough.

Especially when I’m feeling stressed or navigating a lot of extra potential stressors already, I know I need to remember and heed this message.

Here are a few ways I’ve “let good enough be good enough”. I hope these inspire you and you’ll try it on for size:

Have time for a fancier meal? On the fence about whether it’s worth it to put in the extra effort? Keep it simple. Your body and mind will thank you later.
Not sure your wording of that email is perfection? Is the email being sent to someone who already knows your work? Can you afford to have an imperfect word or two in this email? Let it go, and send it.
Struggling to choose the right outfit for a night out? Consider the “needs” involved, and then just choose something. It doesn’t need to be the best outfit you’ve ever worn. Let good enough be good enough.
Prioritize cleaning the most highly-trafficked areas and the most visible ones in your living space. No one but my husband and I have to put up with a messy bedroom, so it isn’t usually a priority.
Showing up to a meeting less prepared than usual is still (usually) better than not showing up. If it’s still a value add, I show up – and I include a brief apology if it feels called for.
Didn’t accomplish all my goals today? Didn’t get outside as much as I intended? Didn’t get to finish that project? No point in beating myself up about it. Let it go – I did good enough (or well enough) today.

Does this resonate with you too? Is “let good enough be good enough” helpful for you? And if not, what do you think is the message you’d benefit from hearing or repeating right now? And if you know your Enneagram number, has that helped you to get clear about this?

P.S. If you don’t know your number but would like to learn it in the company of others on their own personal journeys of growth, learn more about working with me here. And if you know your number but are still seeking community, I lead both an Enneagram Book Club and mental fitness groups.

Recent articles from me you might enjoy:

Anxious for the future? Quiet and control those hyper-vigilant thoughts