Life and Work Tips

Overcoming The Voices In Your Mind

| jamiefeinberg

I’d worked hard all day, and then I led a rehearsal that I was feeling extremely proud of. Under some challenging circumstances, we’d accomplished my goals, I’d adapted to the circumstances of the moment, and the feedback I received after the fact was all positive. I had so much to be proud of. 

And yet, at day’s end, as I started to wind down and got into bed, I noticed a persistent thought – you could have done more to cater your rehearsal to people over Zoom. Surely you SHOULD (a word I normally try so hard to avoid!) have been able to do more dedicated engagement with the people who weren’t there in person. What if those people feel neglected? 

I recognize that you may not have run a rehearsal or a Zoom session before, but regardless, hopefully you get the idea! Here I was, exhausted from a day of hard work, feeling accomplished after a very successful rehearsal, and the voices in my head couldn’t resist trying to put a damper on my excitement and chiming in. 

Why does this happen? And is there a way to keep it from happening, or at least from derailing my day or keeping me awake at night? 

Photo of trees and green grass, a sculpture at the end of a path, and a bench along it by Pixabay

I’m not a neuroscience expert or a psychologist, but I have become a very experienced mental fitness trainer, thanks to the brilliant tools and coaching I’ve received in the Positive Intelligence program. And while there are many ways of labeling or describing what goes on in our minds, however we talk about it, the good news is that it IS possible to tackle these voices. 

I know from both my mental fitness training and my Enneagram studies that my personality, acquired for self-protection over many decades of life, but mainly my childhood, means that I see what’s imperfect and default to judgment very easily. While being able to see what needs to be fixed or what can be improved on serves me really well most of the time in detail-oriented work and in the rehearsal room, I have a judge saboteur in my head that often turns on me and my own activities. Here I was, having worked so hard and successfully, and as I tried to drift off to sleep, I had sabotaging thoughts telling me all the things I could have done better. 

You may say oh, there’s probably some wisdom in that! Those sabotaging thoughts are useful! 

But here’s the thing. While there may be some truth buried in what they’re saying, is it helpful to be beating myself up while I’m trying to drift off to sleep? 

No. Absolutely not. 

So how do we overcome those thoughts? Is there a more positive way that we could be talking to ourselves? 

Yes, thankfully, there is. In the language of Positive Intelligence, we have sabotaging thoughts that come from our saboteurs. We can recognize the work of our saboteurs when we have persistently negative thoughts and emotions. Negative emotions are really useful to us. They identify something that we might want to pay attention to. For instance, when I first have a thought about what I might have done better at rehearsal, even if it makes me sad or frustrated with myself, the initial thought is useful. I can make a note about that for next time and do better. In 5 seconds, maybe 10 to have time to record a note to myself, the initial thought might have been useful.

But if, instead, my brain stays focused on judgment and tearing me apart, keeping me in negative emotions for a prolonged period of time, that isn’t helpful. That means my saboteurs are having a party and beating up on me. Instead, I have the opportunity to tap into my sage, wise mind. 

While the habits of our personality, including those habits of beating ourselves up or judging others or the circumstances we are in, may be wired deeply after decades of use and building neural pathways, when we learn to focus our attention in specific ways, we can train ourselves to tap into the wiser part of ourselves. The wise part of my brain recognized that those negative thoughts weren’t helping me. 

So what did I do? 

  • I spoke what was happening out loud, to my partner, knowing they’re a supportive voice and would validate my own feelings and say something to the effect of “silly saboteurs, of course Jamie did the best she could. Nothing needs to be fixed right now. Let’s go to sleep.” This gave me extra encouragement to lean into my sage during a very vulnerable time for me (sleep time, when I am tired and extra sensitive to criticism and distraction after a long day)
  • When the sabotaging thoughts popped up, I changed my attention and redirected. I imagined the thought as a cloud that would soon pass. 
  • I reminded myself of all the good things I’d accomplished. 
  • I did some meditative and focusing exercises to help me to access the wisdom of my sage mind

Did it fix everything? No, not entirely. I had to repeat the positive thoughts and responses a few times, those saboteurs can be persistent. But to be totally honest, my sabotaging thoughts are much QUIETER than they used to be. I hear their voices, but they’re not as strong. They’re easier to block out. And that’s because I’ve been practicing mental fitness practices for many years. So I can personally attest to the fact that while this may feel really challenging for you right now, it can get better. 

Did I get to sleep easily? Absolutely! And do I have additional tools I could have used if sleep was still a struggle? Yes, thankfully, I do, and I’ve loved sharing those with my clients as well. And when I am particularly tired and “out of spoons”, as many of us would say, those tools can be really important in conquering our sabotaging thoughts.

This has been a week, folks, for the world and maybe in your own life too. I hope that this concrete example of how we can overcome negative voices and habits in our mind is useful to you. And I’d love to support you in building your own toolbox to do this work. If you’d like to join me for an opportunity to learn some mental fitness skills and see how saboteurs are keeping you from being happy and living a life you love, head here.  

Also, I still have a couple more spots for people interested in learning about themselves through the Enneagram. Understanding myself and my personality through this lens helped me to develop immense compassion for myself and for other people, and it truly changed so much about my marriage and family relationships too. I hope you’ll consider reaching out and joining us in the solitary work that is truly done best in community with other people. 

Hang in there. Keep resisting. 

Five resources for a challenging day

| jamiefeinberg

Today I am pausing, in the midst of a rewarding and busy week, to share a few reminders and resources with you. I’ll keep things short and sweet today, as that’s what I’ve got the spoons for. I hope you’re well and navigating the challenges of life okay today. You’re here, and you’re trying. Well done!

Photo of person at a table behind a pile of books as tall as their head by Pixabay

Reminders: 

  • You matter, you deserve to exist, and you deserve love and compassion and opportunities
  • The color of your skin, your gender identity, your sexuality, where you were born, your IQ, your strengths and weaknesses – none of these change the fact that you have inherent worth 
  • Patriarchy is harmful
  • Cultivating media literacy and practicing it may be getting harder and harder, but it IS possible
  • The small choices you make add up – a phone call to a representative, a smile to someone who is struggling, a donation or a food delivery to someone who needs it, teaching someone a skill

Resources from my more recent writing that you may find helpful: 

Thanks for stopping by, and feel free to comment and let me know what you’d like to hear or see more of here. Wishing you health and renewal for the fight – and an eye for the joy too. 

P.S. I have a few more spots  for people interested in learning about themselves through the Enneagram in our next cohort. And if you’d like to join me for an opportunity to learn some mental fitness skills and see how saboteurs are keeping you from being happy and living a life you love, head here. 

Discovering Who We Really Are – In Community? 

| jamiefeinberg

It’s that time of the week when I am taking stock of how I’m doing amidst the headlines and news of the past seven days or so. In asking myself what I have to offer during these challenging times, I remember time and again that the coaching and mental fitness work that I offer is, as one of my students phrased it, one of my “gems”. One of the gifts I have to offer the world is helping to create community and helping people to discover, and rediscover, who they are, why they are here, and how they can move from thought or feeling into action and bring about a life they truly love. 

Photo of tree branches covered in snow, against a bright blue sky, by Şakir Açıkgöz

I have two main ways that I do this work. One is mental fitness. I am trained as a coach in Positive Intelligence, a system that teaches us to recognize and distinguish our negative thoughts and habits from our wise inner voice and the related skills and tools we can access. When we do mental fitness work, we learn to let go of the habits and thoughts that aren’t serving us anymore and learn how to step into that magical “flow” state where we can be efficient, effective, compassionate, clear-headed and more. I offer a Saboteur Assessment, for no cost, so that people can learn more about mental fitness and whether it might be beneficial for them. (Spoiler alert: so far, everyone has thought it might be beneficial for them! But there is no obligation to work with me beyond your call.) Most of the people I coach also study mental fitness with me, because it’s an extremely actionable system for getting past feeling “stuck” and past the roadblock we create in our own minds. It also gives us a common language to communicate with during our coaching sessions, making each session much more productive and helping you to get to your goals much more quickly and effectively. 

The second main way I help people to create a life they love this is through my work as an Enneagram mentor. Though I am also happy to do Enneagram work 1:1, most of the work I do currently is in group programs. We use Suzanne Stabile’s three month program so that people can learn or confirm their Enneagram number, and then we learn how that information can be used in our own lives and in relationship with other people. I have a few more spots left in my next Enneagram program, and we’re hoping to get started soon, so I hope you’ll learn more about the program, whether you’re familiar with the Enneagram already or not. It is my favorite tool for understanding personality and learning to let go of the habits of our personality that aren’t serving us anymore. For those who’ve been on their Enneagram journey for a while, I also offer an Enneagram book club. New members are always welcome. 

If you ever feel called to work with me, either 1:1 or in one of our incredible small group programs, I’d love to hear from you. I offer partial scholarships in all of my programs, and I offer a sliding scale for our Enneagram work. Some of my favorite people in the world I met doing small group, personal development work, and it can really be transformative to cultivate relationships and conversations like these in your life. Please don’t hesitate to reach out. We need this work now more than ever. I truly believe that. 

Do you have a place in your life currently for doing inner work that can’t really be done alone? Would you ever be interested in this work? 

P.S. I shared about this on Facebook this week and two lovely humans left comments about their experiences working with me. One shared, “Jamie is a wonderful coach! I’ve gone through both of these programs with her and benefited immensely. I learned to “flip the script” on my old negative self-talk to a realization that I actually had a voice that mattered.” Another shared that the mental fitness program helped them to reinforce many of the mindfulness practices they already had and provided them with lots of new ones. Thank you both for sharing your feedback! 

finding magic in the minutiae

| jamiefeinberg

Wow, friend. It’s been quite a week, hasn’t it? Perhaps quite a year as well. And the universe always has surprises up its sleeve. For me, this week, on a positive note, one of them was learning that a couple of my Florida reps actually voted down bills that would have provided ICE funding. I can’t tell you how many times the voices in my head have told me that calling my Florida reps is an exercise in futility, because I am generally appalled by where their priorities are and their deference to the current big cheese. 

And yet this week, they stood with Democrats, and I am shook. What an incredible reminder that we never know when our efforts might pay off!

How are you handling the onslaught of news? My network mainly straddles two countries, so I feel well-versed in both where my friends in the United States are at and where my Canadian friends are at, in many ways. And frankly, we are all concerned about our governments, rising restrictions and even the possibility that our northern friend could emulate our friend to the south in the not-too-distant future. 

Today I am pondering the ways that life is made easier and better when we focus on the small details of life. When I stop and recognize what’s right in front of me, I’m not thinking about what I need to fear in our future. I’m not thinking about the horrendous horrors that have already happened around the world. Instead, I’m finding magic in the minutiae. 

I notice a bird overhead. I listen to its song. I notice the way the blue sky behind it offers color contrast. 

I hear the crunch of ice or feel the squishy slush texture of the melting snow beneath my feet. 

I study the details of the beautiful ceramic fake flower on my shelf, a long-ago gift from my grandmother’s home. 

I listen to the sound of our new, efficient heat pump, grateful to be warm and cozy inside a home that we love. 

Photo of the northern lights in pinks and peaches by Ryan Klaus

My eye is drawn to a beautiful print, a gift from a friend honoring me as a director of an a cappella, barbershop chorus. 

I feel the warmth of my sweet cat, nestled against me in her tent of blankets. 

There are magical moments everywhere, if we stop to look for them. If there’s a moment to breathe, a break from pain, a morsel of food to enjoy, a hand to hold, a moment to lay down, an animal saying hello, our lives are rich. 

Even amidst despair, there is light to be found. That’s why we keep going on, even when the end isn’t guaranteed or clear. I know we are hearing and seeing glimpses (and for some of us, maybe much, much more) of some of the worst of humanity and life. And yet, finding magic in the minutiae is a way to treasure some of the best things life has to offer. Simple moments, simple beauty, simple joy. Worth a pause and an acknowledgement. 

Feel like a pipe dream? I 100% get it. There is NOTHING wrong with you if you’re struggling to find the light and the joy right now. 

If you’d like to join me for an opportunity to learn some mental fitness skills and find how to be happy with the life you’re living, even in challenging times, head here. 
You can also visit my website to learn more about me. I’m a speaker, performing artist, coach and mental fitness trainer. Thanks for stopping by.

Celebrate Your (And Our) Progress

| jamiefeinberg

Are you also catching yourself in thought patterns that aren’t supporting you? Are you going down a rabbit hole of anxiety or fear thanks to the horrendous headlines and even realities on your doorstep? 

Those feelings and those realities are real. We can’t deny it, at least not for any length of time. But we can train our brains, with practice, to focus on more useful thoughts rather than keeping us feeling trapped and unable to move forward. 

So today, as many join a general strike and day of action in Minnesota and elsewhere, as many demonstrate today and tomorrow to stand up for humanity and our rights to exist and navigate our lives without fear, without persecution, let’s remember to celebrate. 

Photo of assorted color star confetti by Jess Bailey Designs

  • Catch yourself caught in unhelpful thoughts? Celebrate! Well done, we can’t change what we don’t recognize! 
  • Apparently ICE is heading out of Maine? Worth celebrating, even if they’re continuing to treat Minneapolis as a battleground. 
  • More democrats and Republicans working to defund ICE? Progress! Yes! 
  • You did a bit of exercise/self-care/made a tough phone call/went to work when you didn’t want to etc.? YAY! Well done! 
  • You took a pause from social media scrolling to take a few breaths and notice some beauty around you? Celebrate! That’s a big win! 
  • You donated to a cause you care about? You called your representatives? You sent them an email? You went to a protest? Look at you go! Well done! 

Okay, hopefully you get the idea here. What’s one more thing you can celebrate right now? Once you identify it, do a little happy dance, give yourself a pat on the back, or savor a favorite drink or treat and remind yourself that you are worthy of love and celebration, every day, regardless of what you do and don’t do. So are all of us. 

Let’s live from love and take care of each other, friends. 

If you’d like to join me for an opportunity to learn some mental fitness skills and see how saboteurs are keeping you from being happy and living a life you love, head here. 

You can also visit my website to learn more about me. I’m a speaker, performing artist, coach and mental fitness trainer. Thanks for stopping by. 

Three Ways To Regain Your Footing

| jamiefeinberg

It’s been a while. I took a well-needed break over the holidays, and to be honest, I could have used another couple of weeks, but I’m enjoying getting back into the swing of things in many ways. 

At the same time, I’m dealing with health news, supporting loved ones dealing with hard things, and of course horrendous violence, killings, war and more from you know who. 

Photo of snowy mountains in dim light by Joyston Judah

Rather than write an article myself this week, I’m going to practice some self-care and suggest you read this excellent article by Paul T. Shattuck. 

Please call your reps, take some breaths, and keep resisting. 

You may also enjoy these past articles (with audio meditations) from me: 

A grounding practice for winter

A moving meditation

Breaking the cycle and taking one step

You can also visit my website to learn more about me. I’m a speaker, performing artist, coach and mental fitness trainer. Thanks for stopping by. 

Breaking the cycle & taking one step 

| jamiefeinberg

How are you feeling today, friend? If you pause right now and take a few deep breaths with me, I invite you to ask yourself that question. What stands out to you? Are you physically comfortable? Are you present to your body? Are your thoughts racing? Do you feel energized, or depleted, or somewhere in between? 

Photo of a winter scene of a yard and house in the city, with snow, a fence, and sun peeking through trees

As we head into Hanukkah Sunday, are in the midst of Advent, and head toward Solstice and Christmas at a speedy pace, you may be caught up in activities and obligations. 

As we see daily headlines out of a terrifying movie or horrendous chapter of history, there are lots of distractions demanding our attention. 

Whether you’re finding yourself relentlessly busy or attempting to hide from it all, I hear you, and I see you. Today, I wanted to share one technique that can help me when I find myself caught in familiar patterns. For an audio version of this, head to my Substack.

We all have habitual patterns of our personality. These are patterns that we found served as well as children, keeping us safe and comfortable or at least giving us some sense of security and consistency. As we age, these well-honed patterns can become a trap. While they are well-honed, it is possible to break out of the cycle, the pattern, and make a different choice. But it requires a level of awareness of what’s going on and a willingness (and ability) to make a different choice. 

For instance, one of my patterns is that when I start to feel like I am overwhelmed or angry, my default setting is to cope with the scenario by doing. Specifically, I go to the most accessible task – I find that cleaning, especially washing dishes, is a go to, but I may also simply choose the easiest task on my to-do list or even go to scroll a video on my phone. 

The wiser part of my brain isn’t running the show here. Instead, I’m simply stuck in a pattern. 

So what can I do about it? 

The first step is to literally stop. Stop doing. Sometimes this means I literally stop whatever I’m doing and go sit down for an extra reminder that I do truly need to stop. Once I’ve stopped, I take a few deep breaths. You can even do a quick body scan to see where you’re holding onto tension or pain. I notice the physical sensations of where I am and what I’m doing. Notice if I was holding my breath. Notice my posture. Observe where I am in space right now. My body on the floor or whatever surface it is on. Let my extra thoughts go. 

Next, I observe what’s been going on. Am I in a calm or chaotic environment right now? How am I relating to others, and how are they responding to me? Am I myself feeling calm and regulated, or am I defaulting into the patterns of my personality? 

When I am physically present to what’s going on, if it feels accessible, I also have the option to ask my WISE mind why I started doing that task. Was I acting from fear? From anxiety? It can be useful to observe what just happened. But sometimes, asking WHY feels scary. Maybe it’s a very sensitive topic right now. If that’s true for you, just focus on the physical sensations. 

When I do feel I am in my “wise mind” and calmer, present and awake, I can ask myself some questions. You might ask what is yours to do in this situation, in the words of Suzanne Stabile. In the words of Byron Katie, you might ask “what am I believing right now? How does it make me feel? Is it true? Is it really true? Who would I be if I let go of that belief?”. 

And finally, having paused, observed and and done some self-reflection, you’re free to make new choices. Allow and encourage yourself to forgive yourself and try something new. 

Is your wise mind reminding you of a task that’s truly most important now? Do you finally have the clear head to make a call you’ve put off? To take ten minutes and start a dreaded task? Use this calm state to move forward with one thing today. 

There are versions of this process in both my Enneagram work and in my mental fitness work. You may have encountered a similar process elsewhere that works for you. Please let me know how you do this work in your own life. And if you haven’t yet, let me know if you’re going to try it! 

Want some support breaking out of your habitual patterns to feel more joy, create a life you love, and be more YOU? Come grab your free session with me.

permission to pause

| jamiefeinberg

Whether you’re navigating health challenges or life challenges that are more intense or are just in the midst of the more typical year-end, holiday pressures and commitments that usually seem to define this time of year: today I am giving you permission to pause. 

Photo of snowy trees by by Adam Lukac

Want to take a nap, but feeling guilty about everything remaining on your to-do list? This is your permission slip. 

Got an invite to another holiday party, but feeling like you’d rather stay home in your PJs? Skip it. Let them know you’ve got another commitment. (You don’t have to tell them it’s a commitment to your own self-care if you don’t want to.) 

Feeling pressured to make a decision? Let them know you’ll need another day or another week (or whatever time feels right) before you’ll be able to get back to them about it. 

Pause. 

There is so much worthy of our attention, but we are human beings and we have limits, friends. As much as we may try to push them regularly. As much as we may be known as the “busy” person in our circle of friends. 

Your friends and family love you, even if you have to skip a commitment because you’re getting a cold or you need another night to sleep or rest ahead of an important event. 

Permission to pause. Take your permission slip, and use it whenever you need it. It doesn’t expire. 

Does this resonate with you? If so, let a friend who could use the reminder know about it. 
Want some support navigating boundaries and helping you to bring your dreams to life?  Come grab your free session with me.

One foot planted in gratitude, one foot in hope

| jamiefeinberg

Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday growing up. I loved having a food-centric and people-centric holiday without the pressure of expectations of gifts and making time for concerts and church services and all the things. There’s something simple about this idea, of stopping to be grateful and enjoy the bounty of the harvest. 

It is, of course, an entirely whitewashed version of events containing very little truth. And I understand that acknowledging Thanksgiving without truly being present to all the harm settlers have done since colonizing North America is problematic, at best. 

Photo: Sun peaks through the clouds over the water 

And yet, we can all use more gratitude in our lives, I have to imagine, and if you have a good relationship with your family, all the better on a holiday like Thanksgiving, where that gratitude can extend to the company you’re keeping or to the memories you’re cherishing. And I hope you have a community that you love, and feel loved by, whether it’s your chosen family or given family or both.  

I try to remember the truth while also enjoying the extra focus on gratitude that I think we’d all be better for focusing on more often throughout the year. 

Just as I juggle the duality of Thanksgiving and how we celebrate in the US (as well as in Canada – I get to celebrate it twice!), I also daily see duality in my life. I juggle the duality of gratitude for my many blessings, supportive people, health care, good food, amazing humans and creatures in my life, at the same time that I feel enraged, anxious, fearful around politics, around destruction and violence, around inequalities, around feeling like politicians aren’t listening and/or are mainly complete bought and owned by billionaires. 

Are you able to hold on to gratitude and hope? What dualities do you see playing out in your life? And how are you celebrating Thanksgiving this year, if you are? 

Thanks for contemplating with me. If you found this useful, you may also enjoy my recent grounding practice for winter.And if you’re looking for more mental fitness tools or would like some help tuning down the sabotaging thoughts so you can enjoy your life more, come grab your free session with me. 

You may also know someone else who’d appreciate this. If so, I hope you’ll share it with a friend. Thanks for being here. Keep resisting.