Friends, I am disgusted and fearful and angry and sad and more when I read news headlines or simply think about how many children and adults are suffering and whose rights are being stripped away.
I just called my senators to oppose Casey Means for Surgeon General. I will keep calling my representatives to hold them accountable each week. And I will spend a little time each day being open to the best ways that I can make a difference in the world.
But you know one of my favorite things in the world?
Sunlight.
Photo of a happy dog running down a path by Pixabay
A sunny day, with blue sky and mild temperatures, is such a gift. And in our part of the world, I am getting more and more beautiful sunny days to enjoy. Spring is a beautiful time of year. I’m watching tulips begin to bloom, and watching bumblebees and honeybees at work. Friends are beginning to share the bounty of their gardens with us. I’m taking more joy (and less layers!) on my walks.
While I know there are plenty of people in the world, like my husband, who struggle to deal with the heat that the sun can bring, we know the sun isn’t just a beautiful gift for us. It’s also essential to life. Without the sun, plants and nature can’t do its job, and our food supply would be at stake. We’re all so interconnected, and the sun is an essential piece of the puzzle in our lives.
You may also be feeling stressed. You may feel pressured by some saboteurs in your minds. Perhaps you’ve got some thoughts popping in on the regular, telling you that you can rest AFTER you achieve your next goal, or hit your next financial milestone, or finish doing ______.
I want to challenge you to ignore those voices. Be here NOW. Enjoy the sun as it comes through your window or touches your face. Smell the flowers. Savor the feeling of a breeze on your face, or the wind in your hair. If you are a gardener, enjoy the cool soil between your fingers, or the delicate seeds and plants you cultivate, or the glistening water as you water a flower.
We have no idea what’s coming tomorrow. If habeas corpus is eliminated in the United States, none of our rights to due process are safe. That could mean we’re also rounded up and imprisoned in the days or weeks or years to come. We can try to fight it, but it’s something much, much bigger than just us. The fight may or may not be successful.
So what can you do, in the face of uncertainty? In the face of possible peril?
Be here now. Enjoy the sun. Savor that slice of cake or a moment or play or joy with loved ones. And remember that rest is also resistance. Life is a marathon, and not a sprint. Keep tuning in to where you are, and appreciate all of the nuisances, details, and even fun that it offers.
Take good care. Enjoy the sun.
Want to learn more about the saboteurs getting in the way of a more efficient, effective, and happy life? Let’s talk.
Looking for a speaker for an online or in-person event? I’d love to hear from you, or have you recommend me to a friend.
Hi friends. In the face of an increasing number of horrendous headlines, including (as I write this) the news that transgender service members were referred to as “dishonorable” by the Supreme Court and the ban on transgender people serving stands, I am going through waves of emotions.
But after reading those headlines, I forced myself to walk to the mailbox, and you know what? I felt joy. I felt gratitude. The sun was overhead, it was warm enough for me to walk outside without a coat on, the birds were chirping, and so many beautiful flowers were blooming.
So in thinking about what to write today, I’m reminded of the progress I’ve made on my book – as well as the realization that I’m still potentially years from seeing it out in the world.
You know something kind of unique about me? Before I wrote this book, I nearly wrote another book’s first draft. Yes, I have at least ¾ of a memoir about a particular summer of my life in professional theater sitting in the cloud.
Something that I’ve learned about myself, in my Enneagram and in my mental fitness studies, is that I as amazingly creative as I am, when I take on a really big project, and when I don’t have accountability, and when it’s for me, and not for someone else, I may not finish it. It’s not something I’m proud of. It’s my “shadow side”, as they say. You could also call it my “restless saboteur”, or what it looks like when I am in “low 7” according to the Enneagram.
Not doing anything with this book is just one of many of these projects. And this will probably blow the minds of some people who know me and can rattle off all the things I’ve accomplished along the way. But I think that for me, when we’re talking about how to take a book from first draft to finished product, there was really a feeling of being daunted by what I didn’t know. Combine that with the realization that this particular book didn’t actually have a clear purpose for me in my career, and I let it sit on a shelf instead of focusing my energy on sorting out next steps.
But this time, my friends? This time will be different.
I think I first announced to the world publicly that my book Crafting Our Life Adventure would be published years ago. I even created this sales page so you could sign up to learn when the book is ready. (Still works!)
But you know what? Publishing a book is a giant task. And it’s tough to stay motivated on a giant task when you’ve got several or dozens of other tasks, many of them urgent, demanding your attention.
You may have heard this advice before:
“How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.”
Photo of tiles with the letters spelling “try baby steps” by Brett Jordan
And so while last time, I let myself get pulled toward easier and/or more pressing wins than publishing my book, this time is going to be different.
I started out with the knowledge that I needed to sort out what the steps actually will be for me to publish a book.
So over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been asking friends and friends of friends for all of their tips.
After I have all that research “done”, or at least feel MUCH more informed than before, I’ll be using the research to create a checklist or road map for myself, outlining the next pieces of the puzzle and giving me smaller wins that I can celebrate along the way.
And finally, I will begin taking daily, or at least weekly, steps to realize my vision: to have my book published and out in the world.
This process is actually a process I repeat over and over again in my life. If you want to read it for yourself and reference it in the future, you can. I call it the Four Steps To Your Dream Life Blueprint, and you’ll find it here. I’ve used it throughout my life to accomplish my goals, and I hope it helps you too.
And it can work for anything, I think.
But if that’s too much, to look at all four steps toward a big vision, just focus on breaking your task up into smaller pieces.
Find taking a shower too hard today? Break it up into smaller steps. Gather your towel and toiletries. Gather clean clothes.
Want to reach out to your rep but not sure what to say when you call? Break it up into smaller steps. Write a list of bullet points to cover, or even write yourself a script. Practice saying it out loud to yourself.
Know you need to do some batch cooking, but feel overwhelmed? Break it up into smaller steps. Grocery shop with a few meals in mind, or roast some veggies and rice and a protein that will make it easier to make dinner from there.
So I hope that’s helpful. At minimum, breaking a daunting task into small steps is really useful for me. And if you have the brain space to think about the big picture right now using your wise mind, feel free to grab a copy of the Four Steps and give it a try.
And if your brain isn’t allowing you to tap into your wiser self right now, I 100% get it. And if you’d like some support in doing so, schedule a Saboteur Assessmentwith me. I’d love to help you learn to let the sabotaging thoughts, the ones that get in the way of living a life you love, go.
The world is so much right now. That in itself would be more than enough to deal with, don’t you think? But we’ve also got voices in our own heads. And those voices, though they originated from a helpful place, get in the way and stop us from tapping into the wisest parts of ourselves.
So today, using the language of Positive Intelligence, I’ll explore ten types of saboteurs that might be getting in the way of your life – and while there are MANY ways that we can counteract these habits and voices, I’ll suggest one.
Photo credit: Adorable donkey in a green field by Peter Jochim
Want a fuller understanding of how saboteurs are getting in the way of YOUR brain and YOUR life? Let’s set a time.
The Judge
The Judge is the universal saboteur. We’ve all got some level of judgment happening in our brain, whether it’s judging ourselves, judging other people, or judging the circumstances we are in.
Some of us have a perpetual inner critic that will never truly quiet down. For others, it comes and goes.
Dealing with anxiety, distress, or suffering? Feel guilt or shame? Do you struggle in relationships with other people? Chances are the judge is at the root of that.
The Judge will tell you it motivates you and you need it or you’ll get lazy and complacent. That’s a lie!
The Avoider
Do you find yourself focusing on the positive and avoiding potential conflict at all cost? The avoider wants to avoid difficult things, so the avoider will try to tell you everything’s great.
The lie of the avoider is that it says things will go away if you ignore them. Instead, they often will get bigger and blow up in your face.
The avoider suppresses any anger or resentment – another recipe for problems down the line.
When we deny conflicts or negative circumstances in front of us, the avoider is preventing us from actually doing something about them and making the situation better.
The Controller
The controller wants to deal with anxiety by controlling people and situations around them.
The controller is often a micromanager – incapable of seeing the bigger picture, which might tell us that it’s better to empower people or teach them to handle a situation themselves than always try to do it our way.
The controller gets temporary results, but at a major cost in our relationships and long-term ease, efficiency, and happiness.
The Hyper-Achiever
This common saboteur (especially seen in the corporate world) tells us we can relax, be happy, and stop working when we hit the next milestone. The hyper-achiever won’t let you celebrate for long, or relax, or enjoy the moment you’re in. It’s all about the achievements.
Your self-confidence and self-worth are, according to the hyper-achiever, defined by your achievements. But your wiser self knows you have inherent value, with or without achievements.
The hyper-achiever may avoid trying things unless they know they’ll be successful.
The Hyper-Rational
This saboteur focuses on the rational mind, to the exclusion of emotions, soft skills, and nuisance.
Those with a strong hyper-rational saboteur can be seen as cold, unthinking, and arrogant.
A refusal to acknowledge the role of people’s feelings and emotions can have a severe impact in relationships, whether at work or in your personal life.
The Hyper-Vigilant
Find yourself getting caught in worst-case-scenario thinking?
Are you anxious about the future and what could happen? Struggling to let go of your fears and be present?
The hyper-vigilant feels continuous and intense anxiety. This is exhausting and exhausts those around you too.
The Pleaser
The pleaser has learned to put the needs and desires of others first as a way of ensuring their own safety and survival. The pleaser believes this is how they will be loved.
The pleaser doesn’t express their own needs directly – everything is indirect. Meanwhile, they flatter and do for others. In an especially unhealthy place, this can come across as manipulation.
The pleaser can forget their own needs completely (emotional, physical, financial) which can lead to burnout and resentment. Others can also become dependent on them.
Restless
The restless saboteur is impatient. If they don’t see quick wins in a project or situation, rather than wait to see if it pans out later, they’re likely to try something out. This can lead to “shiny object” syndrome and keep them from pursuing and completing more complex projects.
The restless saboteur is always in search of excitement, experiencing FOMO, and easily distracted.
Underneath the surface, they’re escaping from the present to avoid dealing with hard things.
Stickler
The stickler is a perfectionist, and the stickler may struggle to accept the idea that “done is better than perfect”.
The stickler often holds themselves to higher standards than they do other people, though they may also hold others to those high standards.
They tend to have an inner compass telling them how to do things correctly – the problem is that we can’t do everything perfectly. It’s really only a small portion of things that NEED to be perfect.
They try to quiet the judgment of themselves and others through perfecting things.
Victim
The victim uses emotion to get attention and affection for themselves.
They tend to be dramatic and become depressed and fatigued due to what’s really repressed rage.
In their search for attention, it can backfire and actually push people away.
They may not feel seen or understood by others.
At the root of it all of our saboteurs, no matter what childhood experiences helped shape them and develop them, is fear. And while there are lots of saboteur-specific strategies that we can employ, the best way to face it all is to begin practicing non-judgmental self-awareness.
If we judge ourselves for when our saboteurs get a hold of us and we fall short of our highest goals, we are reinforcing the habits of our saboteurs – the habits we likely want to lean less heavily on, for our own health and happiness and to be more effective in our work.
Instead, try practicing non-judgmental self-awareness. If you notice your Victim or your Hyper-Achiever or your Judge, you can try laughing about it, or saying “hello there!” to your saboteurs. You can journal about it or just make a mental note. This practice is the first step to beginning to change our behavior.
Want some more guidance and more tools for conquering your own habits and saboteurs? I’d love to help.
Hi, friends. I’m fighting a bad cold right now, so rather than tap into my wisest self for some reflection as I aim to each week, I thought I’d do more of a quick life update.
Photo: I took a photo of a few early spring flowers peeking up through a garden full of dead leaves
I’m also proud of myself that I finally completed my book draft and submitted it to a publisher for a review! I’m expecting that my very rough draft has a long way to go before publication, but I am feeling proud of completing the thing, at least in very rough form, and I look forward to updating you on how you can support me on my book journey in the months and likely years to come.
It’s been a busy and beautiful spring as always in the arts, with one performance behind me, several to come, and a barbershop competition too in June. I’m exploring new opportunities with friends as well in the coming months.
It’s weird to highlight personal wins when the world is so challenging right now. Some things I am making noise about are the LGBTQ+ suicide prevention hotline going away in the U.S., the disturbing conversations and plans around autism, and the decisions to remove all regulations related to things like the environment – not to mention taking away funding for things like food inspections. I also read a disturbing article giving an important breakdown about where the trans people in sports outcry has come from. Spoiler alert: it’s not based in fact.
I continue to be grateful for all the people reporting accurately and for everyone standing up for all of our rights.
And I am so grateful to be in Canada, living a life that I love and helping others to do the same, wherever they are. Even in very challenging circumstances, we can learn to see what’s possible, conquer our own sabotaging thoughts, and enjoy our journey.
There are lots of stressors in our lives right now, but staying involved and finding joy keeps me grounded and grateful. I hope you have tools to do the same. And if you want to learn how to get out of your own head and do the same, let’s talk.
In stressful situations, we tend to default to old habits and/or move into survival mode to keep ourselves safe. All of this is completely understandable.
Because we’ve all had different experiences, have different brains, differences, personalities and more, what one person does under stress can look quite different from someone else. It’s part of what makes us unique. But what isn’t unique is that we are all hardwired to do certain patterns of behavior under these circumstances.
In thinking about the state of the world right now, I’m especially aware of how dangerous traveling is for so many people right now. Perhaps you don’t feel safe traveling internationally (or at least, you don’t feel safe crossing the border to get back in). Perhaps you don’t feel safe going to the grocery store or even leaving your home.
The situations may be different, and the reasons may be different, but in any of these circumstances, the goal is for us to be able to stay calm under pressure. We want to know that we will be calm and in control of our actions, even if we are being interrogated or profiled or otherwise threatened.
So I want to talk a bit about what happens to us under pressure, and how we can strengthen our practices and our minds to help keep us safe (or at least increase the likelihood of a positive interaction) in future encounters.
Photo of blue sky and branches by Optical Chemist
I’m going to do so with compassion for others in challenging circumstances, to the best of my ability. I’m going to do so using the lens of the Enneagram and mental fitness. As usual, please keep in mind that I’m not a scientist or a therapist, and what I’m sharing are my own opinions based on my own experiences. If you want the technical scientific jargon, I probably won’t be going there, and I’m also not a lawyer or a therapist, so consult your own if possible and do your own homework and come to your own conclusions.
My personal belief is that we all have some sort of wise, wonderful being inside of us. Maybe you’d call it your soul, or your sage or your wise mind. This special being is there from the time we are born. As soon as we’re born, basically, we start having experiences in the real world. From the noises and feelings when we first leave the womb, to the ways our family of origin treats us, to the kind and the harsh and the horrible humans who cross our paths along the way, we are challenged.
As a result of these experiences, we start developing a personality. We pick up traits along the way. We find that we get positive reactions or are safer more frequently when we do certain things, so we lean into those more. In the language of Positive Intelligence, the mental fitness program I use in my training and coaching, we find that some of our skills and characteristics serve us well, so we do them more and more, eventually resulting in some “saboteur” behaviors. We might discover people-pleasing tendencies, or a hyper-achiever who tells us we must keep “doing” or we don’t have value. Maybe we develop restless or avoider or controlling saboteurs as ways of coping with the world.
In the language of the Enneagram, by the time we are adults, we’ve settled into a grab bag of personality traits that sometimes help us and sometimes hurt us, because we overly rely on them. They trap us. If we study the Enneagram, we’ll learn that there are other people in the world very similar to us, whose personality types are also aligned with ours, though our own individual circumstances and that underlying soul within us means we’re still all different people.
Whether we’re using the language of mental fitness or of the Enneagram, if we are privileged enough to begin working on ourselves, it begins with non-judgmental self-observation and a recognition that we’ve been holding so tightly to these personality traits and behaviors that they are no longer serving us. We recognize that if we want to become more of that beautiful soul, more of that lovely sage being, so wise and as we were created, we’ll need to let go of the grip that our personality holds on us.
And if we’re able to see this, whether it’s because we did a saboteur assessment or read a book or experienced a life-altering circumstance or something else entirely, then we’ll find ourselves asking the question: what’s next? How do I step out of these habitual patterns that I’ve been in for so long, that have me trapped in my own patterns of personality?
The answer, in a word? Presence.
When we are able to let go of the sabotaging thoughts and judgment of our own mind, and instead practice being in the present moment, it’s the first step toward our own self-actualization.
It sounds lofty, but if we are able to practice, day in and day out, being fully present where we are, whether that’s by getting outside in nature or fully savoring a meal or feeling the water on our hands, we are, step by step, loosening the grip of our personality and making it easier for the wisdom of our wise mind to make it to the surface.
You may be wondering what the heck this has to do with staying calm when we’re traveling. That’s fair!
But it has everything to do with it. If we practice grounding ourselves, using any tools of mindfulness, while letting go of judgment, we are increasing the likelihood that when we encounter a stressful situation, we will be able to hear the wisdom of our wise mind. We’ll increase the likelihood that we will know how to best take care of ourselves in that situation. We become calmer, and wiser, and less anxious. Our wise mind will recognize whether we need to go hide, or explore a solution, or fight back, or simply have the words to answer a question calmly and in the wisest way possible.
We don’t usually learn to do this work. We are rarely, if ever, taught these skills in school. We are not taught that our mental muscles need to be strengthened and exercised just as much as our physical muscles do.
If you’re curious about this, I’m pleased to offer a Saboteur Assessment, without cost, to anyone interested in learning more about how they’ve been getting in their own way. Whether or not you choose to work with me in the future, I’d love to help you gain the understanding to move forward in the world without being held back by your own patterns of personality.
I can’t control what happens to you when you travel. But I’d love to empower you with the tools to control as much as you CAN control in your life.
Hi folks. I hope this title spells out what this article will be. I’m going to specifically speak to those of you who are very concerned about what’s going on in the United States right now. In particular, I’ll spell out what’s making me most concerned. I’ll also share one way to help yourself to pay attention, but not too much attention, if you’re finding that looking at the news is really anxiety-provoking right now.
CW: I’m going to talk about some scary stuff that could happen very very soon. Especially to trans people.
Sound okay? Read on.
We as Americans are at an interesting time in our history. To say the least, right? Though I’ve been sounding the alarm for a long time, in the past week, I have gotten especially concerned that the combination of a government sending innocent people to prison and saying they can’t get them back, combined with talk of invalidating the passports/legal documentation of trans people entirely (as well as disenfranchisement for others, such as married women who changed their name at marriage but don’t have a matching birth certificate) is something we should find extremely frightening.
It’s such a tiny step to move from that to, oops, we are now sending trans people out of the country for the crime of being trans, and no, we can’t get them back. (And if the conditions are as awful as the 60 Minutes documentary exposes, how many people will die there? Even if it’s sometimes dying of lost hope?)
And after the trans folks are gone, what about the people of color? The liberals or the people who spoke against Trump? The intellectuals? The disabled? Queer people?
You get the idea.
If this stuff doesn’t scream Holocaust to you, then you don’t know your history.
And to be clear, I have trans friends, family members, work colleagues etc. Tons of people that I know and love and respect. I am so angry right now.
Many people I’ve been talking to have said they’re getting anxious, or even having a panic attack, when they look at the news headlines. I hear you, and it’s so hard right now.
My personal suggestions if you’re struggling in this way?
Limit yourself to a very short window where you check in on the headlines every day. If that proves too much, go to a trusted friend or family member for a daily summary of what you need to know, AKA what should I call my reps about today, or what should I make sure I do? If you can’t do it daily, do it weekly or as often as you can.
Before you check the headlines, take some time to meditate/practice some form of mindfulness. Savor the feeling of hot water on your back as you shower. Enjoy some tea or coffee and really savor it. Get outside for a walk in nature. Focus on the detailed sensations where you are. Then, and only then, when you’re in a good space, read the headlines. Set an alarm and then do some more self-care. Repeat as needed.
If your current source of news is “too real”, change it up. Skip the TV and read an article. Move to a weekly instead of a daily cadence if daily is too much. Read a blogger you respect instead of a Facebook feed.
These are the ways I am making it work for me right now, and I hope some combination of these things might work for you too.
And while I am 100% not a lawyer, not an expert etc., I will say that if you have some privileges right now, now is truly the time to use them. Things have gone south so quickly, and there’s not much progress happening. What does that translate to?
Keep boycotting if you can. Keep protesting if you can. Keep calling. And keep making noise. We are going to need as many people as possible to keep resisting.
And if you’re in a role where you are being asked to do something that you know is immoral by our federal government or by your organization, consider the consequences of saying no, or of quietly ignoring the order.
And if you’re trans? I am frightened for you. I know everyone’s circumstances vary, but if you can get to Canada or another country and ask for asylum, maybe it’s time to consider it? If I had the money and I were trans, I’d be gone. On the other hand, I know traveling at all right now could increase your visibility which may not be helpfull. So maybe talk to a lawyer. If you have these privileges, of course. Because of the ways we’ve treated you, you’re less likely to have the cash for such moves. I am so sorry, and I won’t stop fighting. But we are in the danger zone, friends, so while it’s only a small minority of you who may have these kinds of financial privileges and options, I don’t think there’s any shame in taking care of yourself if that’s available to you. (And for all of us, organizations like the Transgender Law Center would love your support.)
If you’re white and/or privileged, consider if there’s a bigger role you could play right now. Can you take a stand at work when they’re axing DEI programs to remain compliant with the government? Can you speak up to ICE or the police or elected officials when you see something wrong happening in front of you? Can you stage something larger, or fight back in a more prominent way? I remember how much I was in awe of Julia Butterfly Hill, living for 738 days as an act of civil disobedience in a redwood tree. Do you have a way to use your power and visibility to support the people and causes you care about?
I’d love to hear your thoughts on all of this. What are you doing? I know it’s awful, and I wish I could fix it. I’ll keep working to do whatever I can. And mental fitness will be playing a very important role in that.
Feel yourself wherever you are. Whether you’re standing, sitting, lying down, feel yourself on the surface you’re on. Touch an object (maybe try this device?) and observe the temperature and texture of it. Notice fine details you haven’t noticed before.
We are still here, friend. Let’s celebrate the little wins. You made it to today.
Photo of a monarch butterfly on a branch by Erik Karits
As much as there continues to be more horrendous news, I am seeing signs of progress regularly this week in the fight toward defending human rights and preventing more atrocities. Read on for more of the progress I am seeing ( in the United States, predominantly), if that interests you. And if not; go find some joy, and keep breathing! You’ve got this.
More signs of progress:
The unelected billionaire seems to be displeasing the Rump – or at least, seems to be leaving the prominent position he’s in. While I don’t trust any of that being simply face value, I am happy for signs of tension in that relationship. Cautiously optimistic, I’d say.
A great win in the courts in Montana this week for transgender and intersex (and any gender-noncomforming folks who might also be persecuted) folks in Montana. Their extreme bathroom bill was struck down!
Wisconsin’s election was NOT bought by Elon. His $25 Million could have gone so far, but instead he threw it at a candidate who was resoundingly defeated.
And while Florida’s election for two house seats was still easily won by Republicans, it was a MUCH lower margin than in November. Progress.
I’m also hearing more and more horror stories making headlines about visas being revoked. So while it’s disgusting that students and professionals alike are being deported or told to self-deport due to having an opinion the government doesn’t like, I’m heartened by how much people are talking about it and making noise about it to their reps.
And of course, I have to shout out Cory Booker, who spoke on the floor for more than 25 hours to make “good trouble” and make sure we know and understand that this administration is NOT normal and it’s NOT okay.
As I walked outside today before writing this, I enjoyed a gorgeous blue sky. I’ve recently booked another speaking gig and gotten myself a new part-time job I am thrilled about in addition to the beautiful mental fitness, coaching and Enneagram work I am privileged to share with the world.
I hope that whatever your own situation is, you’re finding signs of progress too. And if you have one, please consider sharing it with me!
Take care, and keep fighting the good fight. And remember, rest is resistance. Find joy. Be love. One step, and one day, at a time.
Curious about working with me? Want to learn more about what’s keeping you stressed or stuck? Book a saboteur assessment here, or learn more about the Enneagram here.
Are you trying to find empathy for people you don’t agree with, but coming up short. Do you have the spoons to figure out how to go there? Read on. If not, that’s okay. This article isn’t for you, but others will be. This is for folks trying to listen with empathy to friends and family who they don’t agree with, and feeling frustrated about it and wanting to know how they can find some.
Over the past week or so, I’ve seen several posts from people who are frustrated with the polarization happening right now. They spoke of seeing extreme posts from folks on both sides of the aisle, and they wish that instead of sharing divisive posts, people would work to find empathy for the other side, and try to be compassionate in these times.
Photo credit of a protest crowd with a Free Hugs sign: Sides Imagery
I have a lot of compassion for people who are feeling this way. I know that the polarization is a problem. If we can’t treat each other with respect, how can we move forward as a country? Hateful comments aren’t solving anything.
But unfortunately, some of these well-meaning people, by making these comments, more or less saying “can’t we all just get along?”, are actually showing that they might be lacking in empathy for the people who are sharing more extreme views.
So if I’m on the far left, perhaps a trans person or an immigrant or someone doing everything I can to stand up for women and senior citizens etc., I might be feeling extremely fearful right now about the state of the United States or the state of the world. Don’t I deserve compassion for the fact that I share a lot of opinions I agree with? Even if some of them might come off as hateful toward billionaires or even of those who voted our government leaders into power?
And if I’m on the far right, perhaps someone who sees myself as self-made, or who is fed up with what I see as a bloated government, or with the way the deficit continues to grow, I might be sharing what feels like common-sense opinions or articles. I might be feeling happy that the government is moving in the direction I voted for. Don’t I deserve to have my own opinions and share them, even if some people might not agree with me?
I’ve found myself frequently wanting to comment on these “can’t we all just get along” posts to share my take on this. I want people to see the perhaps ironic reality that when we get angry at folks on both sides who aren’t willing to be empathetic to others, we’re also showing that we’re struggling to have empathy for people ourselves. (
I mostly refrain from commenting, though, because that in itself could look like I’m showing a lack of empathy for them.
It’s tricky, isn’t it?
I’d like to say I’m someone who never shares articles or posts on auto-pilot. I’d like to be someone who always pauses, ponders what’s the best use of my time, and posts only the most important things.
But that’s not true. I’m a human, and I am imperfect. And it’s especially challenging to always be thoughtful right now.
If you’ve ever caught yourself sharing posts on auto-pilot, reacting to the news automatically or going on a doom scroll, I’ve been there. When we do this, we’re doing so out of fear. Our saboteurs and the judging part of our minds are running the show.
But if we want to feel empathy or compassion, we can’t do so in that state of mind. The first step is to stop.
When you recognize you’re acting out of habit, or acting out of fear, or anxiety, or anger, stop.
Ground yourself. Feel yourself on the floor or a seat. Observe the temperature of your breath as you breathe in and out. Take note of the colors around you.
Once you’re calm, you’re then able to access the wise part of your mind, which is capable of choosing love. The wise part of you will know whether it’s time to run away, to go do something, to show compassion and connection with someone or find common ground, to speak up, or to explore other options to problem solve through this situation.
This wasn’t always easy for me, to try to step into someone else’s shoes and show them compassion instead of judgment.
But I have had a lot of practice with empathy and compassion. The two best tools I know to cultivate them are mental fitness and the Enneagram.
Learning to gain control of myself and break my habitual patterns has been a game-changer. The Enneagram is how I first developed an awareness of these patterns, and it’s how I continue to gain understanding of why I do what I do and how I can make a different choice. And my mental fitness work has given me the tools to use right now, in this moment, to regulate myself and more quickly shift into the wise part of myself.
This is work that I do with my clients weekly, and for myself daily. The more challenges around us, the more news headlines, the more stressors present, the more we’ll need to do this work.
Sometimes empathy isn’t the tool that’s needed. But if you want to know how to relate to someone, how to understand them, how to have compassion for them, even when they do hateful things? This is how we can get there.
I went deeper on this topic on Facebook this week. I’d like to shift from doing Facebook lives to doing them on Substack (where I can share video, audio, and text), but I need to reach 100 subscribers to do so. If you haven’t yet, I’d appreciate your subscription (no cost necessary!), and you’ll be notified if I go live.
And if you found this useful, my recent article Knowledge is Power may interest you too.
I’d love to hear how you’re finding empathy, for yourself and for others, in your own life.
Gosh, it’s been a month of a week, and I have had a few days in particular where it’s been a struggle to keep myself grounded. On one of those days, I was working on some never fun bureaucracy type stuff, and it was triggering panic in my body, in spite of all the mindfulness work I was doing to work through it. I felt alarmed and had a day of important things to do, and as Ross tried to help me as we prepared for an important meeting, I realized if I didn’t get myself under control, I was bound to trigger him and likely have a rage episode.
So what does progress look like? In this case, progress was telling Ross I was going upstairs because I couldn’t get myself under control. There, I ran in place for two minutes to wear myself out. And then I just let my body settle down. As I prepared myself some lunch, I realized it had truly worked, and my body was grounded again. And thank goodness, because when a couple of hours later, I managed to spill water all over the kitchen floor washing dishes, I just laughed for a couple of seconds, grabbed a couple of towels, and cleaned it up. And when those kitchen towels weren’t enough, I headed downstairs for a bath towel, laughingly summarizing for Ross what I’d done in passing as he said he was sorry I had a hard time from the next room.
Friends, in the past, this would have had me raging and upsetting my husband, perhaps getting in the way of his ability to show up for our meeting. It would have resulted in me beating other people up and then beating myself up for hours, thanks to the judge in my head.
Instead? It was just a day, friends.
This is what can happen when we take those small, daily steps to instill better habits. I’ve got a mindfulness habit. I do group work using mental fitness and the Enneagram throughout the month. And I’ve cultivated healthy communication and listening with my husband.
There are signs of progress outside of my own life too. I’m especially inspired seeing the media coverage of some of the things ICE is doing (like detaining and basically torturing lawful permanent residents of the United States, citizens of Canada who never violated laws, and many more stories of what those profiled in the media have seen). Knowing that judges are saying no (even if the administration is trying to pretend that doesn’t matter) and that some of the anti-trans laws and actions are being struck down is promising.
Spring is my favorite season, because it is such a sign of progress. We get to see bits and bobs of life springing up from nothing. It’s so exciting and beautiful and encouraging after a long winter.
Wherever you are, whatever you’re facing this week, I hope you can see glimmers of hope. Bits of progress in your own life and in the world.
Crafting The Life You Want: A Practice in Living 