Hi, friends. I’m fighting a bad cold right now, so rather than tap into my wisest self for some reflection as I aim to each week, I thought I’d do more of a quick life update.
Photo: I took a photo of a few early spring flowers peeking up through a garden full of dead leaves
I’m also proud of myself that I finally completed my book draft and submitted it to a publisher for a review! I’m expecting that my very rough draft has a long way to go before publication, but I am feeling proud of completing the thing, at least in very rough form, and I look forward to updating you on how you can support me on my book journey in the months and likely years to come.
It’s been a busy and beautiful spring as always in the arts, with one performance behind me, several to come, and a barbershop competition too in June. I’m exploring new opportunities with friends as well in the coming months.
It’s weird to highlight personal wins when the world is so challenging right now. Some things I am making noise about are the LGBTQ+ suicide prevention hotline going away in the U.S., the disturbing conversations and plans around autism, and the decisions to remove all regulations related to things like the environment – not to mention taking away funding for things like food inspections. I also read a disturbing article giving an important breakdown about where the trans people in sports outcry has come from. Spoiler alert: it’s not based in fact.
I continue to be grateful for all the people reporting accurately and for everyone standing up for all of our rights.
And I am so grateful to be in Canada, living a life that I love and helping others to do the same, wherever they are. Even in very challenging circumstances, we can learn to see what’s possible, conquer our own sabotaging thoughts, and enjoy our journey.
There are lots of stressors in our lives right now, but staying involved and finding joy keeps me grounded and grateful. I hope you have tools to do the same. And if you want to learn how to get out of your own head and do the same, let’s talk.
In stressful situations, we tend to default to old habits and/or move into survival mode to keep ourselves safe. All of this is completely understandable.
Because we’ve all had different experiences, have different brains, differences, personalities and more, what one person does under stress can look quite different from someone else. It’s part of what makes us unique. But what isn’t unique is that we are all hardwired to do certain patterns of behavior under these circumstances.
In thinking about the state of the world right now, I’m especially aware of how dangerous traveling is for so many people right now. Perhaps you don’t feel safe traveling internationally (or at least, you don’t feel safe crossing the border to get back in). Perhaps you don’t feel safe going to the grocery store or even leaving your home.
The situations may be different, and the reasons may be different, but in any of these circumstances, the goal is for us to be able to stay calm under pressure. We want to know that we will be calm and in control of our actions, even if we are being interrogated or profiled or otherwise threatened.
So I want to talk a bit about what happens to us under pressure, and how we can strengthen our practices and our minds to help keep us safe (or at least increase the likelihood of a positive interaction) in future encounters.
Photo of blue sky and branches by Optical Chemist
I’m going to do so with compassion for others in challenging circumstances, to the best of my ability. I’m going to do so using the lens of the Enneagram and mental fitness. As usual, please keep in mind that I’m not a scientist or a therapist, and what I’m sharing are my own opinions based on my own experiences. If you want the technical scientific jargon, I probably won’t be going there, and I’m also not a lawyer or a therapist, so consult your own if possible and do your own homework and come to your own conclusions.
My personal belief is that we all have some sort of wise, wonderful being inside of us. Maybe you’d call it your soul, or your sage or your wise mind. This special being is there from the time we are born. As soon as we’re born, basically, we start having experiences in the real world. From the noises and feelings when we first leave the womb, to the ways our family of origin treats us, to the kind and the harsh and the horrible humans who cross our paths along the way, we are challenged.
As a result of these experiences, we start developing a personality. We pick up traits along the way. We find that we get positive reactions or are safer more frequently when we do certain things, so we lean into those more. In the language of Positive Intelligence, the mental fitness program I use in my training and coaching, we find that some of our skills and characteristics serve us well, so we do them more and more, eventually resulting in some “saboteur” behaviors. We might discover people-pleasing tendencies, or a hyper-achiever who tells us we must keep “doing” or we don’t have value. Maybe we develop restless or avoider or controlling saboteurs as ways of coping with the world.
In the language of the Enneagram, by the time we are adults, we’ve settled into a grab bag of personality traits that sometimes help us and sometimes hurt us, because we overly rely on them. They trap us. If we study the Enneagram, we’ll learn that there are other people in the world very similar to us, whose personality types are also aligned with ours, though our own individual circumstances and that underlying soul within us means we’re still all different people.
Whether we’re using the language of mental fitness or of the Enneagram, if we are privileged enough to begin working on ourselves, it begins with non-judgmental self-observation and a recognition that we’ve been holding so tightly to these personality traits and behaviors that they are no longer serving us. We recognize that if we want to become more of that beautiful soul, more of that lovely sage being, so wise and as we were created, we’ll need to let go of the grip that our personality holds on us.
And if we’re able to see this, whether it’s because we did a saboteur assessment or read a book or experienced a life-altering circumstance or something else entirely, then we’ll find ourselves asking the question: what’s next? How do I step out of these habitual patterns that I’ve been in for so long, that have me trapped in my own patterns of personality?
The answer, in a word? Presence.
When we are able to let go of the sabotaging thoughts and judgment of our own mind, and instead practice being in the present moment, it’s the first step toward our own self-actualization.
It sounds lofty, but if we are able to practice, day in and day out, being fully present where we are, whether that’s by getting outside in nature or fully savoring a meal or feeling the water on our hands, we are, step by step, loosening the grip of our personality and making it easier for the wisdom of our wise mind to make it to the surface.
You may be wondering what the heck this has to do with staying calm when we’re traveling. That’s fair!
But it has everything to do with it. If we practice grounding ourselves, using any tools of mindfulness, while letting go of judgment, we are increasing the likelihood that when we encounter a stressful situation, we will be able to hear the wisdom of our wise mind. We’ll increase the likelihood that we will know how to best take care of ourselves in that situation. We become calmer, and wiser, and less anxious. Our wise mind will recognize whether we need to go hide, or explore a solution, or fight back, or simply have the words to answer a question calmly and in the wisest way possible.
We don’t usually learn to do this work. We are rarely, if ever, taught these skills in school. We are not taught that our mental muscles need to be strengthened and exercised just as much as our physical muscles do.
If you’re curious about this, I’m pleased to offer a Saboteur Assessment, without cost, to anyone interested in learning more about how they’ve been getting in their own way. Whether or not you choose to work with me in the future, I’d love to help you gain the understanding to move forward in the world without being held back by your own patterns of personality.
I can’t control what happens to you when you travel. But I’d love to empower you with the tools to control as much as you CAN control in your life.
Hi folks. I hope this title spells out what this article will be. I’m going to specifically speak to those of you who are very concerned about what’s going on in the United States right now. In particular, I’ll spell out what’s making me most concerned. I’ll also share one way to help yourself to pay attention, but not too much attention, if you’re finding that looking at the news is really anxiety-provoking right now.
CW: I’m going to talk about some scary stuff that could happen very very soon. Especially to trans people.
Sound okay? Read on.
We as Americans are at an interesting time in our history. To say the least, right? Though I’ve been sounding the alarm for a long time, in the past week, I have gotten especially concerned that the combination of a government sending innocent people to prison and saying they can’t get them back, combined with talk of invalidating the passports/legal documentation of trans people entirely (as well as disenfranchisement for others, such as married women who changed their name at marriage but don’t have a matching birth certificate) is something we should find extremely frightening.
It’s such a tiny step to move from that to, oops, we are now sending trans people out of the country for the crime of being trans, and no, we can’t get them back. (And if the conditions are as awful as the 60 Minutes documentary exposes, how many people will die there? Even if it’s sometimes dying of lost hope?)
And after the trans folks are gone, what about the people of color? The liberals or the people who spoke against Trump? The intellectuals? The disabled? Queer people?
You get the idea.
If this stuff doesn’t scream Holocaust to you, then you don’t know your history.
And to be clear, I have trans friends, family members, work colleagues etc. Tons of people that I know and love and respect. I am so angry right now.
Many people I’ve been talking to have said they’re getting anxious, or even having a panic attack, when they look at the news headlines. I hear you, and it’s so hard right now.
My personal suggestions if you’re struggling in this way?
Limit yourself to a very short window where you check in on the headlines every day. If that proves too much, go to a trusted friend or family member for a daily summary of what you need to know, AKA what should I call my reps about today, or what should I make sure I do? If you can’t do it daily, do it weekly or as often as you can.
Before you check the headlines, take some time to meditate/practice some form of mindfulness. Savor the feeling of hot water on your back as you shower. Enjoy some tea or coffee and really savor it. Get outside for a walk in nature. Focus on the detailed sensations where you are. Then, and only then, when you’re in a good space, read the headlines. Set an alarm and then do some more self-care. Repeat as needed.
If your current source of news is “too real”, change it up. Skip the TV and read an article. Move to a weekly instead of a daily cadence if daily is too much. Read a blogger you respect instead of a Facebook feed.
These are the ways I am making it work for me right now, and I hope some combination of these things might work for you too.
And while I am 100% not a lawyer, not an expert etc., I will say that if you have some privileges right now, now is truly the time to use them. Things have gone south so quickly, and there’s not much progress happening. What does that translate to?
Keep boycotting if you can. Keep protesting if you can. Keep calling. And keep making noise. We are going to need as many people as possible to keep resisting.
And if you’re in a role where you are being asked to do something that you know is immoral by our federal government or by your organization, consider the consequences of saying no, or of quietly ignoring the order.
And if you’re trans? I am frightened for you. I know everyone’s circumstances vary, but if you can get to Canada or another country and ask for asylum, maybe it’s time to consider it? If I had the money and I were trans, I’d be gone. On the other hand, I know traveling at all right now could increase your visibility which may not be helpfull. So maybe talk to a lawyer. If you have these privileges, of course. Because of the ways we’ve treated you, you’re less likely to have the cash for such moves. I am so sorry, and I won’t stop fighting. But we are in the danger zone, friends, so while it’s only a small minority of you who may have these kinds of financial privileges and options, I don’t think there’s any shame in taking care of yourself if that’s available to you. (And for all of us, organizations like the Transgender Law Center would love your support.)
If you’re white and/or privileged, consider if there’s a bigger role you could play right now. Can you take a stand at work when they’re axing DEI programs to remain compliant with the government? Can you speak up to ICE or the police or elected officials when you see something wrong happening in front of you? Can you stage something larger, or fight back in a more prominent way? I remember how much I was in awe of Julia Butterfly Hill, living for 738 days as an act of civil disobedience in a redwood tree. Do you have a way to use your power and visibility to support the people and causes you care about?
I’d love to hear your thoughts on all of this. What are you doing? I know it’s awful, and I wish I could fix it. I’ll keep working to do whatever I can. And mental fitness will be playing a very important role in that.
Feel yourself wherever you are. Whether you’re standing, sitting, lying down, feel yourself on the surface you’re on. Touch an object (maybe try this device?) and observe the temperature and texture of it. Notice fine details you haven’t noticed before.
We are still here, friend. Let’s celebrate the little wins. You made it to today.
Photo of a monarch butterfly on a branch by Erik Karits
As much as there continues to be more horrendous news, I am seeing signs of progress regularly this week in the fight toward defending human rights and preventing more atrocities. Read on for more of the progress I am seeing ( in the United States, predominantly), if that interests you. And if not; go find some joy, and keep breathing! You’ve got this.
More signs of progress:
The unelected billionaire seems to be displeasing the Rump – or at least, seems to be leaving the prominent position he’s in. While I don’t trust any of that being simply face value, I am happy for signs of tension in that relationship. Cautiously optimistic, I’d say.
A great win in the courts in Montana this week for transgender and intersex (and any gender-noncomforming folks who might also be persecuted) folks in Montana. Their extreme bathroom bill was struck down!
Wisconsin’s election was NOT bought by Elon. His $25 Million could have gone so far, but instead he threw it at a candidate who was resoundingly defeated.
And while Florida’s election for two house seats was still easily won by Republicans, it was a MUCH lower margin than in November. Progress.
I’m also hearing more and more horror stories making headlines about visas being revoked. So while it’s disgusting that students and professionals alike are being deported or told to self-deport due to having an opinion the government doesn’t like, I’m heartened by how much people are talking about it and making noise about it to their reps.
And of course, I have to shout out Cory Booker, who spoke on the floor for more than 25 hours to make “good trouble” and make sure we know and understand that this administration is NOT normal and it’s NOT okay.
As I walked outside today before writing this, I enjoyed a gorgeous blue sky. I’ve recently booked another speaking gig and gotten myself a new part-time job I am thrilled about in addition to the beautiful mental fitness, coaching and Enneagram work I am privileged to share with the world.
I hope that whatever your own situation is, you’re finding signs of progress too. And if you have one, please consider sharing it with me!
Take care, and keep fighting the good fight. And remember, rest is resistance. Find joy. Be love. One step, and one day, at a time.
Curious about working with me? Want to learn more about what’s keeping you stressed or stuck? Book a saboteur assessment here, or learn more about the Enneagram here.
Crafting The Life You Want: A Practice in Living 