Month: March 2025

Finding empathy 

| jamiefeinberg

Are you trying to find empathy for people you don’t agree with, but coming up short. Do you have the spoons to figure out how to go there? Read on. If not, that’s okay. This article isn’t for you, but others will be. This is for folks trying to listen with empathy to friends and family who they don’t agree with, and feeling frustrated about it and wanting to know how they can find some.

Over the past week or so, I’ve seen several posts from people who are frustrated with the polarization happening right now. They spoke of seeing extreme posts from folks on both sides of the aisle, and they wish that instead of sharing divisive posts, people would work to find empathy for the other side, and try to be compassionate in these times. 

Photo credit of a protest crowd with a Free Hugs sign: Sides Imagery

I have a lot of compassion for people who are feeling this way. I know that the polarization is a problem. If we can’t treat each other with respect, how can we move forward as a country? Hateful comments aren’t solving anything. 

But unfortunately, some of these well-meaning people, by making these comments, more or less saying “can’t we all just get along?”, are actually showing that they might be lacking in empathy for the people who are sharing more extreme views. 

So if I’m on the far left, perhaps a trans person or an immigrant or someone doing everything I can to stand up for women and senior citizens etc., I might be feeling extremely fearful right now about the state of the United States or the state of the world. Don’t I deserve compassion for the fact that I share a lot of opinions I agree with? Even if some of them might come off as hateful toward billionaires or even of those who voted our government leaders into power? 

And if I’m on the far right, perhaps someone who sees myself as self-made, or who is fed up with what I see as a bloated government, or with the way the deficit continues to grow, I might be sharing what feels like common-sense opinions or articles. I might be feeling happy that the government is moving in the direction I voted for. Don’t I deserve to have my own opinions and share them, even if some people might not agree with me? 

I’ve found myself frequently wanting to comment on these “can’t we all just get along” posts to share my take on this. I want people to see the perhaps ironic reality that when we get angry at folks on both sides who aren’t willing to be empathetic to others, we’re also showing that we’re struggling to have empathy for people ourselves. (

I mostly refrain from commenting, though, because that in itself could look like I’m showing a lack of empathy for them. 

It’s tricky, isn’t it? 

I’d like to say I’m someone who never shares articles or posts on auto-pilot. I’d like to be someone who always pauses, ponders what’s the best use of my time, and posts only the most important things. 

But that’s not true. I’m a human, and I am imperfect. And it’s especially challenging to always be thoughtful right now.

If you’ve ever caught yourself sharing posts on auto-pilot, reacting to the news automatically or going on a doom scroll, I’ve been there. When we do this, we’re doing so out of fear. Our saboteurs and the judging part of our minds are running the show. 

But if we want to feel empathy or compassion, we can’t do so in that state of mind. The first step is to stop. 

When you recognize you’re acting out of habit, or acting out of fear, or anxiety, or anger, stop. 

Ground yourself. Feel yourself on the floor or a seat. Observe the temperature of your breath as you breathe in and out. Take note of the colors around you. 

Once you’re calm, you’re then able to access the wise part of your mind, which is capable of choosing love. The wise part of you will know whether it’s time to run away, to go do something, to show compassion and connection with someone or find common ground, to speak up, or to explore other options to problem solve through this situation.

This wasn’t always easy for me, to try to step into someone else’s shoes and show them compassion instead of judgment.

But I have had a lot of practice with empathy and compassion. The two best tools I know to cultivate them are mental fitness and the Enneagram. 

Learning to gain control of myself and break my habitual patterns has been a game-changer. The Enneagram is how I first developed an awareness of these patterns, and it’s how I continue to gain understanding of why I do what I do and how I can make a different choice. And my mental fitness work has given me the tools to use right now, in this moment, to regulate myself and more quickly shift into the wise part of myself. 

This is work that I do with my clients weekly, and for myself daily. The more challenges around us, the more news headlines, the more stressors present, the more we’ll need to do this work. 

Sometimes empathy isn’t the tool that’s needed. But if you want to know how to relate to someone, how to understand them, how to have compassion for them, even when they do hateful things? This is how we can get there. 

Not sure where to start? Let’s talk. 

I went deeper on this topic on Facebook this week. I’d like to shift from doing Facebook lives to doing them on Substack (where I can share video, audio, and text), but I need to reach 100 subscribers to do so. If you haven’t yet, I’d appreciate your subscription (no cost necessary!), and you’ll be notified if I go live. 

And if you found this useful, my recent article Knowledge is Power may interest you too. 

I’d love to hear how you’re finding empathy, for yourself and for others, in your own life. 

Sharing signs of progress

| jamiefeinberg

Gosh, it’s been a month of a week, and I have had a few days in particular where it’s been a struggle to keep myself grounded. On one of those days, I was working on some never fun bureaucracy type stuff, and it was triggering panic in my body, in spite of all the mindfulness work I was doing to work through it. I felt alarmed and had a day of important things to do, and as Ross tried to help me as we prepared for an important meeting, I realized if I didn’t get myself under control, I was bound to trigger him and likely have a rage episode.

So what does progress look like? In this case, progress was telling Ross I was going upstairs because I couldn’t get myself under control. There, I ran in place for two minutes to wear myself out. And then I just let my body settle down. As I prepared myself some lunch, I realized it had truly worked, and my body was grounded again. And thank goodness, because when a couple of hours later, I managed to spill water all over the kitchen floor washing dishes, I just laughed for a couple of seconds, grabbed a couple of towels, and cleaned it up. And when those kitchen towels weren’t enough, I headed downstairs for a bath towel, laughingly summarizing for Ross what I’d done in passing as he said he was sorry I had a hard time from the next room.

End of drama. I cleaned up in the kitchen.

Photo by Yana Kangal: https://www.pexels.com/photo/red-poppy-flowers-17868679/

Friends, in the past, this would have had me raging and upsetting my husband, perhaps getting in the way of his ability to show up for our meeting. It would have resulted in me beating other people up and then beating myself up for hours, thanks to the judge in my head.

Instead? It was just a day, friends.

This is what can happen when we take those small, daily steps to instill better habits. I’ve got a mindfulness habit. I do group work using mental fitness and the Enneagram throughout the month. And I’ve cultivated healthy communication and listening with my husband.

There are signs of progress outside of my own life too. I’m especially inspired seeing the media coverage of some of the things ICE is doing (like detaining and basically torturing lawful permanent residents of the United States, citizens of Canada who never violated laws, and many more stories of what those profiled in the media have seen). Knowing that judges are saying no (even if the administration is trying to pretend that doesn’t matter) and that some of the anti-trans laws and actions are being struck down is promising.

Spring is my favorite season, because it is such a sign of progress. We get to see bits and bobs of life springing up from nothing. It’s so exciting and beautiful and encouraging after a long winter.

Wherever you are, whatever you’re facing this week, I hope you can see glimmers of hope. Bits of progress in your own life and in the world.

Want help getting some clarity on what’s going on? You know how to reach me.

Take good care. Keep up the good fight.

Taking a Gratitude Break

| jamiefeinberg

I’m feeling rundown, friends. Tired from the news, angry for friends and loved ones and innocent strangers being targeted and persecuted. If I let my mind wander, it’s easy to move into a space of anxiety about what’s coming down the line. 

Keeping myself grounded and staying on top of self-care can be challenging in all of this. I know that the more I stay present to what I’m doing, my physical actions, where I am in this moment, the better I feel. But the old habits of worry can be tricky to avoid repeating. 

So I feel like now, more than ever, centering my day and my mind on gratitude is essential. 

Photo credit: Alex P

I’m grateful to be in a community (multiple, actually) where I feel seen and valued. 

I’m grateful to have a warm and comfortable apartment, with food in the refrigerator, running water and plumbing, and even a washer and dryer (something I’ve often lived without). 

I’m grateful to have hobbies and work that bring joy to my life and fulfill me, from taking walks in nature to solving mystery boxes to making music or coloring or playing games and solving mysteries with family and friends. 

I’m grateful for a husband and a cat who enhance each day with their presence. 

I’m grateful for family and friends around the world who make the effort to stay connected with me, even when it’s challenging to do so. 

I’m grateful to know why I am here and to have more and more tools to help me as I work to fulfill my mission in the world: to help people to create and live a life that they love. 

I’m grateful for my Enneagram Book Club, for all of my Enneagram friends on the journey, and for my mental fitness clients, coaches, and colleagues.

Especially if you’re struggling right now, I encourage you to take a moment, every day, to anchor into gratitude. The small stuff can be especially important to acknowledge.

Is a gratitude practice a part of your life? 

What are you grateful for right now? 

If this was useful, you might want to check out one of my recent, related articles: 

What Uncertainty Teaches Us

New Year, New Who?

Struggling with Motivation? Just Keep Showing Up

Thanks for being here, friend.

Knowledge is Power

| jamiefeinberg

It can be really tough, even on the best of days, to pause and take a step back. Such a high percentage of our actions are done on auto-pilot: we’re not even stopping to think before we do them. It’s the way we always did them. The action precedes the thought. 

Unfortunately this can also get in the way when we’re confronted by people whose views are different from ours, or whose words or actions are triggering us. We’re each bringing our own baggage to the table. We’ve got our own instincts, our own habitual patterns, and our own biases based on our own past experiences. 

Photo of a person with dark long hair, in the grass facing the mountains with their back to us, by Badri Rai from Pexels

People often ask me how I can stay connected to people whose beliefs are so different from mine. It’s honestly a skill I’ve been honing since I was a kid. I think there are a few reasons it comes so easily to me: 

  1. I am the oldest child in a family of six. I learned to get along and go with the flow rather than fight the more aggressive folks in my family. 
  2. I’ve always been genuinely curious about people and why they do what they do. This curiosity means that rather than focus on the hurt someone is doing, I can invest some of my time and energy into curiosity about how it came to be that way. 
  3. I genuinely believe we all have goodness in us – and if I can’t find it, I have compassion for what may have happened to them along the way. (I have always had empathy, but my compassion has gone through the ROOF since beginning my mental fitness and Enneagram studies.) 
  4. I have always treasured close, deep 1:1 connections with people, and some of the best times in my life have been sharing those types of conversations. If a past friend, perhaps someone I’ve had a great conversation, or many, with in the past, is doing things that I don’t understand, I tend to assume the best of them, and again, get curious about how they got to be here. 
  5. I’m aware that if I can engage with someone whose opinion I don’t agree with by striving to listen and find common ground, it’s the best hope I have for potentially changing their mind down the line. If I stop speaking to them, I’ve lost my chance for them to recognize someone’s humanity or the fallacy of something they’ve held to be true. 

When someone approaches me, full of anger or fear, shame or anxiety, I can recognize their saboteurs coming out to play. If I’m able to keep myself grounded and in a healthy mind state, instead of meeting their saboteurs with my own saboteurs (of judgment, of fear, of anger etc.), I can instead offer them an ear, or get curious, or take action to protect myself or others. 

The truth is, because I am well-practiced at letting my sage mind run the show, instead of my saboteurs, I am much less likely to respond in my own patterns. I’m more able to find a win-win-win for everyone. I’m more likely to have a positive view of the encounter. 

For instance, I could get upset if someone confronts me denying the harm a politician is doing and trying to do. OR, instead of getting upset, I could ask them clarifying questions, getting very curious about the fear hidden behind their comment. 

Maybe if I was able to ask them a few questions, I’d learn that we agree on 90% of an issue, or even 50% of an issue, when I previously thought we were on opposite ends. Maybe I’d learn that I needed to do a little more research on a particular topic so that I’d be able to speak to it more articulately next time. Or maybe I could share a personal anecdote that would humanize the people we were talking about. 

Whatever language you use to describe it, our saboteurs are real. Your saboteurs could be hyper-rational, or hyper-achievers, or perfectionists, or getting you caught in anxiety spirals. We all have strengths that served us at one point in time, but eventually we start overusing them. 

And we don’t have to. 

When you’re able to step back and see your saboteurs in the light of day, you don’t just understand other people better. You understand yourself better. And it offers you the opportunity to find ways to live that are easier, and kinder, and more fun, and with less judgment of yourself, or others, or your circumstances. 

Saboteur assessments are transformative. It’s a free opportunity to shine a light on where you’re stuck and imagine what’s possible. We can learn to turn down the saboteur noise and let our wise mind run the show. And we can find how to live lives that we truly love, full of joy, even when the world gives us every opportunity for anger and fear and frustration and anxiety. 

Imagine the possibilities.