Month: December 2024

Reflect and Recommit

| jamiefeinberg

I’ll be honest. Some years, I feel super inspired to reflect on the year that’s passed and plan ahead with some goals and perhaps a word of the year for the year to come. But this is one of those years where I haven’t really been feeling it. 

I think it’s because I’m tired. I’ve been focusing on resting and healing as much as I can lately after a very busy holiday season wrapped up, with a total of 8 performances (plus countless rehearsals) for various musical organizations I’m a part of in some form. 

While this hasn’t looked like lounging on the couch much, it has seen me organizing my apartment and enjoying the process of decorating or decluttering. And yes, that kind of external work can be healing for my inner mind as well, though I know that isn’t true for every personality out there. 

So here we are, New Year’s Day, and while I had been considering skippingb a post until I felt inspired, last night I felt myself interested in doing some reflection for myself (finally!), and I figured if I’m going to do it for myself, I might as well share some of my process with you. Perhaps it will be the inspiration you have been looking for – and if not, perhaps you’ll find something else useful to take from it. 

For the past many years, nearly seven, I met weekly (or so) with a marvelous group of humans I met in an accountability group online. One of my favorite practices with this group was reflecting on the year that had passed and making plans for the future. 

I’m going to teach about this process live today in my Facebook group, Crafting Your Life Adventure, but if you want to walk through it on your own, here are the highlights: 

  • Using meditation, music, or your other favorite tools, tune into your body and clear your mind to set the table for reflection, without judgment or criticism of yourself. The goal is observation and celebration, and to let the wise part of you drive the bus. 
  • In a journal or another safe and accessible space, list all the things you accomplished this year. Consider all the areas of your life, such as family, friends, career, home, personal goals, hobbies, spirituality, physical health, emotional health, new habits, even media or books consumed. Accomplishments don’t need to be physical, and they don’t need to be “measurable” in the traditional sense. Did you make any new friends? Did you survive another year? Did you do something you were afraid of? It can be helpful to ask a loved one we trust to help us do this with compassion if we struggle to recognize our own value or remember our own accomplishments. 
  • Review any past lists of goals you’d set for this past year, and with gentle observation and no judgment, observe any progress you made toward those goals. If you didn’t get there, what obstacles did you hit? What lessons did you learn along the way? 
  • Consider what you’d like to accomplish in the upcoming year. Sometimes, before I do this step, I dream up where I want to be in five years, or ten years. And that can help me get attuned to steps I want or need to take in the next year to make that happen. 
  • As you dream up your next year of goals, again consider all areas of your life. Make sure you are tuning into YOUR goals, not society’s goals. If you don’t care about losing weight, why would you focus there? If you like renting instead of owning a home, awesome! Choose goals that are meaningful for you, with your own priorities in mind. Again, keeping sight of your goals for the future can help you here. 
  • Consider if there’s a word that will sum up the spirit of the year you’re envisioning for yourself. Past words for me have included “Trust” and “Abundance”. Elizabeth Ryder does a lovely job of explaining how and why we might choose a word for the upcoming year. (And remember, you can always change your mind! It’s just a tool to help you remember your own goals in the busy world we so often get caught up.) 
  • Consider working with a coach or reaching out to a friend for support if you want further clarity or a mirror for your own goals. 
  • Consider finding a friend, coach, or joining a group for accountability in the coming year. (I lead several groups in this vein, and the new year is a great time to find one. Contact me to learn more.)
  • Want to start the new year off on a new foot? Why not schedule a Saboteur Assessment to learn more about what keeps you from your goals to help you feel more joy and become more effective in the new year? 

When you feel complete in this process, find a way to let go of the past year and welcome the new year. It could be with a prayer or intention, a lighting of a candle and blowing it out at completion, or repeating an affirmation. A great thing to do is to end your reflection and goal-setting with gratitude for what was and for the lessons that came from it. 

It’s never too late to do this type of work. Do you have a reflective practice at year end? Do you have goals for the upcoming year? I’d love to hear about it! You can comment or share with me in my Facebook group. 

Congratulations on getting through this year. I’m very proud of you. I hope you are too. Wishing you all the best in the year to come. 

P.S. I still have space for a few more participants interested in learning more about themselves and the patterns of their personality (and how to break free of them) using the Enneagram. Reach out to sign up, or join me for an intro!

Photo credit: photo of an evening with moon, tree, and water reflection by Pixabay.

Five Ways To Make the Holidays Work For You This Season

| jamiefeinberg

How are you feeling, friend? Let’s take a moment to just be. Observe your breathing, in and out, if that feels comfortable for you. Or take a look at a pretty object or window near you, and observe what you see. Count backwards from 20. Let’s just be for a moment. 

It may be cliche at this point, but it’s that time of year when it’s common to take time to be grateful. I know I’m not alone in having a dedicated gratitude practice (running on at least five years now, wild!), and if you haven’t yet tried it, whether during the holiday season or any time of year, I definitely recommend it.

Back in 2020, I wrote a blog on how to make the holidays work for you. At the time, a lot of people were struggling with the holidays and how to celebrate them. While Ross and I were living an RV and used to doing our own thing for the holidays, we were aware of local grocery shortages on preferred foods, and where we were staying, in New Mexico, actually had a stay-at-home order in place over Thanksgiving that I’m sure was challenging for many. 

I’m grateful that a lot has changed for the better since then (namely, vaccines!), but the holidays are still a challenging time for many, whether due to viruses in the air or distance from family (physical or otherwise) or the challenges that happen when we return home and revert to our younger, less wise selves (or when our family assume we are the same person we once were, even if we aren’t!). Or all of the above, perhaps? 

It’s okay to have mixed feelings.

It’s okay to have moments when you feel wrapped up in the love of or even memories of your family/friends. 

It’s okay to, in the next moment, feel anxiety that your parents are going to do x, or miss loved ones, or feel resentment that you can’t do holiday celebration you did in the past, or feel jealous of y, who lives with their family or has many close friends while you are living and celebrating alone.

I hope that during this challenging time, you will give yourself forgiveness for these feelings. All emotions are valid. Offer yourself grace. I know you’re carrying a lot, and opportunities for anxiety and other challenging emotions abound. 

It may be helpful to remember that if someone else’s life looks glamorous on social media, that is just the tip of the iceberg that you’re seeing. The glamorous surface life may be only a passing moment in a chaotic day or week or month.

Here are a few things I recommend making time for this week, whatever your plans are. 

  • Practice gratitude – and mean it. This can take many forms, and all are valid. Start each morning picturing one thing you’re looking forward to today, in vivid detail, and then realize it. (A warm shower? A cup of tea? Enjoy the magic of simple pleasures you get to bring into your day.) Start or end each day by acknowledging five things you’re grateful for. Start a gratitude journal, whether it’s a big beautiful book or a note on your phone. If you’re connected with your family, begin a meal/Zoom call/family walk by having everyone share something they are thankful for this year.
  • Make time for exercise. I love indulging in rich holiday foods, as many of us do. Most of us, at least in the corporate sector or education, are also lucky enough to get time off this week. It can be tempting to use that time to relax on the couch, but making time to take a walk or stretch or lift some weights will give you more energy for the festivities and encourage you to enjoy your indulgences more, without guilt. This isn’t about losing weight. It’s about how you feel. Bonus points for combining it with outside time. 
  • Don’t let comparison steal your joy. Have you ever attended a family gathering or friend event and felt like everyone else had it “figured out” except for you? Ever find yourself stretching to describe your own work in a way that puts you in the best light? Ever wish you could be more honest, but find yourself afraid to admit where things haven’t been going your way yet? I find myself using authenticity as an antidote in these cases. And focusing on the good, the things you can be grateful for, is so key. I don’t have to talk about my work. Or I can focus on the happy feeling x gives me, rather than the funds in my bank account or how stressed I’ve been feeling covering for so and so lately. When I envy other’s travel or title, I turn my attention to all the joyful things I am grateful for in my own life. Eyes on your own paper, friends. This can also be a signal to get off of social media and dive into a book, go for a walk, dance to a holiday tune, or watch a favorite movie with a cup of a warm beverage. 
  • Carve out time for yourself. I love my family, but as an introvert who isn’t always her best self at large family gatherings, I’ve worked hard over the years to set boundaries for myself. For me, part of a successful holiday season is making time for my morning routine and making sure I have time to relax on my own. Even living far from family, it can be easy to fill my schedule with Zooms or friend gatherings if I am not mindful of my own needs. If you’re having trouble seeing blank space on your calendar, take a moment to block out a morning or an hour for you each week, or even 5-10 minutes each day. It will help you to be at your best if you are celebrating with others too. 
  • Strive to let go of perfection & release your expectations. I think one of the toughest parts of the holiday season is that we tend to bring to it so many expectations, whether it’s from holidays we experienced in the past, popular culture from movies and books that romanticize the holidays, or a growing awareness of limited time and not wanting to disappoint our loved ones. This season, when you catch yourself judging yourself, those around you, or the situations you are in, can you let those judgments go instead? What would it feel like, when you had a thought creep in, to look at your surroundings with loving attention and gratitude? To be present to joy, instead of to lack or imperfection?

Whatever your plans are this year, I hope you’ll find some comfort or guidance in this advice. No one has your best interests at heart in the same way you do, so go create a holiday schedule that will light you up and invigorate you.

Take care, and Happy Holidays! This may be my last check-in before 2025, so I wish you all the best as you end 2024 and look ahead to 2025. 

P.S. Are you ready for a shift? The holidays can truly bring out our lowest versions of ourselves – the parts we are least proud of. If/when you’d like to learn more about the ways we sabotage ourselves and carve out a path forward, please join me for a Saboteur Assessment. And if you’re curious about the role your personality plays in your life and find yourself Enneagram-curious, or you want to take advantage of my BOGO coaching deal before it expires Monday, send me a message to learn more or get started with us in January.

Photo credit (of strings of white lights in the dark): Dzenina Lukac

The Enneagram, COVID, and Me

| jamiefeinberg

What an interesting week this has been! Saturday afternoon, as I chatted with family on the phone and walked by the water in downtown Charlottetown, I received a text from my husband saying he had COVID. Oh joy! 

Given that we live in a two bedroom apartment, I knew there was a decent chance I’d already gotten it, but in case I hadn’t, we began Operation: Isolation in earnest. 

It’s fascinating, going from a fully shared space to masking in “public spaces”, avoiding each other’s presence, and carefully planning use of the kitchen or bathroom. 

The Enneagram, if you aren’t familiar with it, is my favorite tool for understanding personality, myself, and how I relate to other people. I’m a card-carrying Enneagram 1, and part of that means I am in the dependence stance: as a result, I have had to do a ton of boundary work, because my natural instinct is to accommodate other people and ditch my own plans. This is especially true with my husband. 

I began this COVID-venture assuming that it would be really tough for me to keep so much distance from my husband. Especially so because physical touch is so important to me (it’s definitely one of my love languages, if you ascribe to that). 

After a day or so’s transition though, I was pleasantly surprised to see how much I’d gotten used to the new normal. In some ways, it was freeing that I had to do my own thing, and trust my husband to do his. And in fact, I found that being in the midst of “Operation: Avoid COVID” worked really well for my rule-following 1 personality. I’ve been so busy masking and otherwise checking the boxes that I haven’t been nearly as preoccupied worrying about my husband’s needs or desires. 

Fascinating. 

In my mental fitness work, we refer to this as being a curious anthropologist. While my inner critic or judge voice might get judgmental and opinionated about my recent behavior, I’ve found it quite easy to tap into my curiosity and just observe myself and my behavior. 

And that’s something the Enneagram offers me in spades. I have names and a much fuller understanding of why I do what I do then ever before – and as you can see here, I keep learning, week by week and day by day, even more about myself and the world. 

Last night we had an informal get together for the members of our Enneagram Book Club, and it was a wonderful opportunity for community and learning. As I always do, I left feeling more confident about who I am and more aware of the ways I am both different and the same from other people. And I continue to feel gratitude that such wonderful people choose to join my programs and work with me. 

Have you ever had this kind of “curious anthropologist” experience in your own life? What did it show you? 

P.S. There are lots of ways to work with me in the new year! Do a Saboteur Assessment, an Enneagram intro, or just contact me to learn more!

Photo description: box of tissues in the foreground, with a mug of tea and a person with their setup for dealing with being sick in the distance

Photo credit: Cottonbro studio

Musings on a Snowy Day

| jamiefeinberg

I’m looking out the window as the snow comes down, at what looks like quite a vigorous pace, outside. I’m snuggled on my coach, laptop in my lap, cat snuggled under her blanket tent at my feet. I am getting work done in my business, fielding good news, looking forward to an Enneagram meeting where I know I’ll leave a little lighter and a little wiser than before. Life is good.

And yet….

I could just as easily write a different paragraph right now. Something like this:

I’m looking out the window as the snow comes down, at what looks like quite a vigorous pace, outside. I drink water frequently to keep from coughing from this post-viral loveliness that doesn’t want to leave me. The chill in the air and the lack of sunlight is depressing. And I look ahead to a meeting this evening, one I am looking forward to, but dreading the drive outside.

Some of us are extremely in touch with our emotions, but for most of us, I think there’s a spectrum. From those who never stop to consider emotions (theirs or others) to those who have tons of them, easily accessible at all times. I think I’m somewhere in the middle. Though I’m very in touch with how my body is feeling, I have to stop to contemplate where my emotions are at, most of the time, unless I’m just caught up in joy, or in rage (thankfully that one isn’t as frequent as it used to be!).

People can tell you to “think positive”. That’s usually pretty simplistic and dismissive, in my experience.

I prefer to choose joy. I can enjoy the wonder of a snowfall from under a warm blanket, with a snuggly cat. I can focus my attention on the positives I’m experiencing and on moments I am truly looking forward to, rather than focusing my energy on the negatives or on dwelling on potential negative outcomes in an anxiety spiral.

I can fear the unknown in the United States and around the world. Or I can celebrate the positive steps I took to make a difference this week, from sharing advice and lending an ear to reaching out to my senator to ask him to say no to the bill eliminating the Department of Education, and signing a petition against confirming a problematic politician.

I can focus on the uncertainties of self-employment, or rejoice in how freeing it was checking a bank account and seeing passive income from Black Friday purchases of my husband’s Play the Ukulele! course.

There’s no right or wrong here. And it’s so easy to see negative, and to get caught in dualistic thinking. But life is truly both/and. It’s scary and it’s beautiful. There’s love and there’s fear. Where will you focus today?

P.S. I’ve gotten much better at navigating, learning from, and simply recognizing my emotions since I started studying the Enneagram. I shared more about how to work with me, using the Enneagram or otherwise, last week.

Photo credit: Niklas Jeromin